Al Qaeda has published a new terrorist magazine in English. What’s its name? This Week in Death to America? The Popular Jihadist? Kaboom?
No, it’s called Palestine, as if it’s the ultimate insiders’ guide to Palestinian culture, recipes, travel and events, like California Living.
Claiming it “focuses on the raw emotions of the victim hood in the Muslim world,” the new Islamic terrorist magazine urges lone wolf bombings of Vegas, Times Square, London and military targets. It features how-to articles on making car bombs and thoughtfully suggests terror targets. It calls upon Muslims around the world to follow Palestine’s bomb recipe to set off car bombs in crowded places.
One article is, “How to make a Bomb in the Kitchen of your Mom.” It details a DYI, illustrated guide on assembling a pressure-cooker bomb similar to the ones used in the Boston Marathon bombings. (Apparently, most Jihadists still live with mommy. Going around beheading people and blowing yourself up evidently isn’t a great paying career path. )
“My Muslim brother, before you start reading the instructions, remember that this type of operation if prepared well and an appropriate target is chosen and Allah decrees success for you, history will never forget it. It will be recorded as a crushing defeat on the enemies of Islam.”
One article brags that the Palestine car bomb recipe is far superior to other car bomb recipes in that theirs gives one the ability to make a bomb even in countries with tight security and surveillance. (Well, I guess the Palestine car bomb recipe isn’t required for use in America.)
Palestine conveniently provides a list of supplies needed to make such a bomb, including cooking gas, oxygen gas, a barometer, decoration lamps, matches, and of course, mommy’s car.
[Note: The above is taken from the actual magazine. Now I’m going to mock it.]
Palestine magazine features “Jihadist Bachelor of the Month” where the loyal Jihadistas can get to know a little bit more about the single, available mujahideens.
Bachelor Data Sheet
Name: Abu Mansoor Al-Amriki*
Birth place: United States
Ambition: Kill the infidels
Turn-ons: A girl who knows her way around a bomb-making kitchen and girls who wear matching explosives belts and panties under their burqas
Turn-offs: Women who still have their clitoris
Favorite Things to Do: Praising Allah, crazy ranting about America, reading goat porn and avoiding bathing
The Man I Most Look Up To: The Prophet Mohammad (Blood Be Upon Him)
My Dream First Date: Dinner for two consisting of goats head soup followed by us running from drone strikes in the moonlight
Palestine has also their exciting annual “Babes in Burqas” issue where readers use their imaginations to visualize what the women look like underneath their tents. Readers get to vote on which woman looks hotter based on the folds and the way the fabric drapes over her. The winner is then featured on the cover of the Palestine B ‘n B issue wearing her choice of burqa in either black or blue.
An upcoming special new section in future Palestine issues will be for the lady Islamic terrorists. “For Jihadistas Only” will have articles that address feminine issues such as how a bulky belt of explosives can add twenty pounds and “What does an orgasm feel like?”
Let’s take a look at some letters to the Editor of Palestine magazine, shall we?
While following your recipe to make a car bomb to kill American infidels, my car accidentally blew up and took out the side of my garage. Will my home owner’s insurance cover this?
Praise be to Allah!
I find it so annoying when I’m fruitlessly sawing and sawing at the neck of a non-believer. It takes forever to cut off their kaffir heads, and my arm tires! Do you have any suggestions for the best beheading knife? Is there an As Seen On TV Infidel Beheading knife?
When I’m taking a selfie with my decapitated victim’s heads for Twitter and Instagram pics, their heads never look “real” in the photos. What can I do to convince my Muslim brothers that my infidel heads were not bought at the Halloween store?
*Al-Amriki is dead and decomposing. Even worse for him, he’s finished deflowering his 72nd virgin. Now what? He’s stuck with a bunch of demanding, nagging non-virgins. For eternity. Doesn’t seem like Allah thought that one through.