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Pickup Artist "Mystery" Makes Complete Ass of Himself Trying Desperately to Get Laid - Staked in the Heart
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Not A Safe Space

Pickup Artist “Mystery” Makes Complete Ass of Himself Trying Desperately to Get Laid

Mystery Douche

Remember “Mystery”, the pickup artist in the guy liner and swim goggles who had a TV show where he taught awkward dudes how to pick up women? He developed a system to pick up chicks called The Mystery Method. On the tv show he had his faithful wingman, “Matador” by his side to help out.

I have defended pickup artists because there’s nothing wrong with guys learning how to approach and talk to women. Guys who learn PUA techniques gain confidence, and learn how to relax and engage women in conversation. This can only be a positive thing. Think of all the missed opportunities because a guy didn’t have the nerve to approach a woman.


BUT…..A few months back, our man “Mystery” tried unsuccessfully to pick up a woman at a club. He crashed and burned so badly she posted his lame texts and the video he sent her on the Internet for all to laugh at. The video of him nodding to Nickleback singing about joining the Mile High Club while he waves around a badly rolled joint is a fine example of excellence in douchbaggery.

It’s also an example of what not to do. 

Here’s how she said the Mystery evening started:

Mystery and his wingman Matador both flanked me and threw a bunch of game. So I did all the PUA stuff like negging, being alternately interested and then completely ignoring or jumping up mid convo to cut them off and change the song, kiss a friend hello, etc. Mystery asked for my number, I gave him my card, and he texted like 30 times. I wrote back a short response or two, and then he sent this video. I can’t stop watching it. It’s like next level Starbucks Drake hands.

Matador in a horrid wig

Matador in a horrid wig creepily emerges from the shadows

When I started watching the video Mystery sent her I was surprised to see Matador—the old wingman from the tv show—whip around from the corner throwing devil horns and unsexily attempting to move his hips to the beat of the music.

What was Matador doing back there? Jerking off? And why is he in Mystery’s dreary basement apartment this time of night? Why are they still hanging out together?? They clearly haven’t got their own women.

All that skill in picking up women and the bottom line is that they are ALONE, SINGLE and having to bromance each other.

And then there’s the truly embarrassing throw-anything-out-there-and-hope-something-sticks-and-you-get-laid texts Mystery sent her:






A smart pickup artist would use his skills to find himself the most beautiful, sweetest, smartest, kindest, funnest girl he can and land her permanently.

Those skills shouldn’t for used for bouncing from from vadge to vadge like a Pinball Cock. That is only going to get one loneliness, herpes, and Hep C with a side of liver cancer.

I think the clear message here is that being a pickup artist has an expiration date.

There’s something pathetic about a middle-aged man nodding to a Nickleback song while waving a marijuana cig in the hopes of luring a young woman he met in a bar to his cheaply decorated, dungeon-like pad where his creepy friend is lurking.

Know when it’s time to bow out gracefully.

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Categorised in: Advice for the Guys, Humor

21 Responses »

  1. Yeah, Mystery may have been caught doing some lame game, but no one is perfect. If you’re in this game, your goal isn’t perfection, your goal is to better your odds and increasing the quality of women in your life. Despite reaching mastery in this game, you will still come across women who are not interested or who have other things going on that disqualify her from being in your life. That’s just the game, you knock on many doors, and although your odds do get better with time, you will never be 100% flawless. Mystery’s work is very under rated, his breakdown of social dynamics is just simply brilliant.

    • I agree with you.

      Mystery is The Master at knowing how to pick up women. I think my point, which you didn’t get was this: Mystery should have used his exceptional skills to find the best of the best, a life partner and stuck with her ONLY. It isn’t healthy emotionally or physically to jump from one woman to another. This is where he seems to have failed.

  2. No comments on the comments 🙂
    ‘Playing’ is all very well, but come on people, a little dignity isn’t a bad thing. I’ve always told my fellow gays that if you’re not tied down by the time you’re 30, you’re demoted to the second tier- and then you’re in trouble. The same is true of heterosexuals. If you haven’t been able to have at least one committed relationship by the time you’re 30, there’s something wrong with you. Sorry, there just is.
    Nothing wrong with being single forever, except all that black leather furniture (in the case of the men), and the cats (in the case of the women) are depressing.
    And I’m not even going to get into how pathetic it looks for someone over a certain age to still be trawling the bars desperately trying to pull.
    Having sex is great, but if that’s still the only objective after 30, something’s gone wrong with the brain…

  3. so what, you’d be amazed of how many women make an ass of themselves every night

  4. Well I’ve never had any problem with talking to women.
    Although married now. I am 51 she just turned 37. Very well fit a whale trainer. No drugs or drinking
    I did pretty well for myself

    • Good for you. Unlike you, I was always a guy who had major issues talking to women. I just couldn’t do it.

      In essence and theory, being yourself isn’t a bad thing. The question should be: “what is yourself”?

      If you’re a weirdo, antisocial loser who doesn’t have a social life or a life in general, then just “be yourself” is the worst advice ever. Terrible!

      Most men who get into pickup, were the worst on the totem pole as far as having a life.

      Also, knowing how to talk to women, or as a guy in your case, doesn’t mean you’ll automatically have the key of selectivity where you’ll be able to get women whom you’re attracted to. Most men “settle”. We settle for women, not whom we wanted, but the ones who chose us, which most times, aren’t to our liking.

      I’m not gonna get into the premise of your marriage, but I hope it isn’t a case of settling for a woman just because she’s younger, while having your manhood stripped away just to cling to a younger woman.

      • Wow ok I guess. It does take practice.
        A little game is good. As in talking .
        The women your afraid to ask out are most likely sitting at home like you do.
        Because guys for what ever reason are intimidated. Then comes the rejection so what if you get turned down so what you kick the dirt and move on

  5. @Carolina- Lol hilarious article though. Mystery’s my unofficial mentor as with any other guy who does pickup so you know I’ll have to defend him to the end. 😉 🙂

    Anyway, I think this was just a case of fucking around. Every PUA, including myself, has his days and moments of being self-amused.

    • I wondered what you were gonna say, but you know I’m supportive of the PUA community.: )

      I also feel Mystery came up with an ingenious way to get chicks. I give him total credit for that. There’s real genius there.

      • Oh no doubt as far as supportive goes.

        Most of us have been caught with our pants down in some way or another.

        We may advocate not to be needy and not to send girls cheesy texts, but behind closed doors, we may do it. Shit happens. 🙂

  6. @Thwkinkyworldofvile- Really? If just being yourself worked, then the pickup community wouldn’t have existed in the first place. Being yourself does NOT work…unless you consider guys settling for women whom they aren’t into as “working”. That is the most terrible advice a guy can ever get, which is to just be himself.

    • I guess it depends on who you are. For the guys who are dorks, being themselves isn’t such a good idea.

      I have to disagree with Vile on this one (sorry Vile!) and agree with you. Guys need to learn how to approach women and talk to them. Nothing wrong with learning some game.

      • Men need to learn the signals to see if she if she is really receptive to being approached ( not easy for men to do !! ). A lot of women HATE being approached , if it’s a large group of women ( night time bar / club scenario ) , it is strictly a ” girls only night ” , they do NOT want men in the picture. Working as a doorman teaches a lot about social dynamics , as we have to keep an eye on the whole venue.

        • They may not want the attention of “men” but they are still looking for the “man” to approach them. Or they wouldnt be flaunting sexuality in a public hooking up place.

  7. There are books out there that gives you key words to use. I think just being yourself works.

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