A Politically Incorrect Zone

Three Hot Chicks On Porn – Review “Another Night in Chyna”

Chyna

This is the first official sex tape review for The Three Hot Chicks on Porn. They are:

Carolina of Staked in the Heart,

La La of Tales of a Charm City Chick,

Maggie

We chose “Another Night in Chyna” featuring WWE wrestler and reality TV star Chyna (Joanie Laurer) and her boyfriend, X-Pak (Sean Waltman), another WWE wrestler.

Chyna claims the video was amateur, done for their own private use, and it was “leaked.”  That happens all the time. You go to find the video of last Christmas and discover its gone, then suddenly its all over the internet.

 

 

Chyna and X-Pak kiss

The action starts with a pool scene where we see Chyna floating on a raft in a red bikini. X-Pak enters the pool to fumble around awkwardly trying to kiss her.

La La: “Have these two met? I feel like this is his first time.”

Carolina:  “It looks like she’s passed out cold and he’s administering CPR.”

Maggie:  “There is an ad for Get Pornstar Cock on the side of the video and it is distracting me. Pornstars must have very large, ever-expanding cocks that clearly wouldn’t fit in a normal pair of pants.”

X-Pak gives her oral through her bathing suit bottom, then the couple quickly move to a bed in the house. She pulls his pants down to reveal his not well-toned body.

Maggie: “Is this Russell Brand with a gut?”

La La:  “His butt is funny.”

Carolina:  “X-pak sure doesn’t have a Six-Pac.”

While he stands, Chyna gives him head. Like a trooper she does take his shaft all the way down, as opposed to most celebitches, but she is sloppy and spastic with it.

La La: “She gives boring head. I could do better porn than this.”

Maggie: “She must not be very good orally because he doesn’t let her do that for very long.”

Carolina:  “Why don’t any of these celebs know how to suck a c**k? Aren’t they having to do it all the time to get jobs?”

La La: “I think I used to have that bed spread, it’s from Bed Bath & Beyond.”

The shock and awe moment in the video comes when X-Pak starts giving Chyna oral and her clit is revealed in all its unusual glory. She has an ugly, steel bar clit piercing, that looks like she did it herself at home and just shoved it in crookedly.  Her clit is enlarged from her years of steroid use.

La La:  “Is that a tiny dick??”

Carolina:  “It looks like two gay guys getting it on.”

Maggie:  “The clit….yikes!!”

The couple halfheartedly go at it missionary style.

Maggie: “There’s a tummy tuck scar and I know because I have one of my own. Hers was  probably part of the sex change operation: put in boobs, dick reduction, tummy tuck and lasered all the hair off her/him. On the other hand, X-Pak  barely has bicep definition.”

La La:  “Lame sex.”

Carolina:  “Where’s the moaning and dirty talk? Is this a silent film?”

Then X-Pak flips her over to do her doggie style, grunts and finishes on her butt.

La La:  “He lasted like ten seconds tops.”

Carolina:  “She could use some anal bleaching.”

Maggie: “He has no quad muscles, either. Meanwhile, her thighs could crack walnuts.”

Way too much of her dancing around

The video cuts away to their stripper room which is decorated like an old whore house from the 1800s with lots of red velvet and animal prints. Repetitive cheesy 70s porn music has been added. Chyna gets on the stripper stage and wiggles and squirms around, but it’s not sexy because she’s too muscle bound to move with any sensuality.

Chyna spends too much time swinging on her stripper pole. X-Pak moves to hand her money—like he’s in a real strip club—but he transfers the hundred dollar bills from his mouth into hers.

Maggie:  “I don’t get the money. Are they role playing “stripper”?”

Carolina:  “If we had Fecal Vision Glasses on, we would see those hundred dollar bills they just put in their mouths are coated in sh*t.”

La La: “That’s gross. That’s the dirtiest part of this whole video.”

While still on her stripper stage, Chyna takes off her belt and snaps it, then whips X-Pak a little with it while he sits like a dog.

La La:  “Is he being punished for pooping in the house?”

Carolina:  “I need to get Chyna over here to housebreak the puppy.”

Maggie:  “She needs to take a pole dancing class. She’s not even graceful for a man.

The all-important wad of cash never far from reach

Finally, Chyna takes take off her clothes. The wad of cash gets placed in her necklace. Then she takes it out. Then she rolls around on the glass stage, counts the money. Puts the money back in her necklace. X-Pak disappears from the scene, leaving Chyna to swing on the pole.

Carolina:  “Where did X-Pak go?”

Maggie:  “He went to get more cash.”

La La:  “Her boobs are weird. I want to punch them.”

Maggie: “Her boobs look silly. I think she was a man at some point.”

X-pak does some oral, and bangs away at Chyna on her glass stripper stage. They switch into a 69. Note about decorating:  Remember, in order to make your stripper stage the focal point of the room, shove all your furniture pieces up against it.

Maggie:  “I find myself trying to figure out what is on the tv reflected in the mirror. Watching 69ing is stupid because it just looks like naked twister without anyone laughing.”

La La:  “He’s proved he can last more than 10 seconds, so that’s good.”

Carolina:  “She’s fondled the cash more than him.”

Chyna masturbates for the audience, but it’s not sexy or erotic, even for her. She takes a break in the middle to drink out of a red solo cup. She doesn’t climax.

La La: “Thrilling.”

Carolina:  “She can’t even turn herself on.”

Then X-Pak rejoins the scene to bang her on the glass stripper stage…..then a  leopard print couch. They stick to those spots. Stage, leopard print couch, stage.

Maggie: “I think he has good motion, good speed, stamina. I think the form is fine.”

Carolina:  “She’s using Evasive Blow Job Maneuver #3—putting only the head in the mouth, while moving the hand up and down the shaft.”

Now it’s all taking place in this darkened room

The couple move from the stripper room to a messy darkened bedroom. The music changes, but it’s just as bad. Chyna dances and shines a flashlight all over herself. A lot of fumbling around with clothing takes place, hard to figure out what’s happening.

Maggie:  “Uh, oh we got a little change up here! She’s got some sort of porn East German stasi outfit on and a flashlight. He’s got camo pants on. What in heaven’s name is going on?”

Carolina:  “Did someone slip acid into my ice tea? I think I’m having a bad trip.”

La La:  “I feel like I’m watching the end of Blair Witch Project. I’m actually dizzy. I’m not sure sex is even happening right now, there’s just a lot of movement and confusion. Wait…did Chyna get sparkles on his dick. He has sparkle dick. Glitter dick!!!!!!!!”

Maggie:  “I have a hangover. I’m going back to the couch to watch TV.”

The Three Hot Chicks on Porn Review:  Out of a possible Five Erect Penises being the hottest acton this rates: 1 Limp Dick.

This video is only worth watching to see  how taking steroids for years can turn a woman’s clit into a mini-peen, oh, and see a Glitter Dick.

And we have a winner!! Vicomte was able to determine the mystery blue object is a humidifer (and its reflection in a mirror.) Now he gets a cheesy prize.

To read The Three Hot Chicks Review of “Peeping Tom” go here.

Tagged as: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Subscribe to Blog via Email

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.