A Politically Incorrect Zone

Men’s Health Magazine Ensures You Never Get Laid Again

Men’s Health magazine is chock-full of tips on how to seduce a woman, give her a better orgasm, etc. While some of their advice is okay, some of it is the wackiest, worst advice for men I’ve ever read.

Here’s an example:

“If you’re out in public but want to make your intentions clear, slowly and firmly flick your tongue against the palm of her hand. If she just wipes it off down her skirt, you’ve blown it.”

This is why we carry disinfectant everywhere, so we can take nasty germs off our hands. Don’t get me wrong. We want your tongues flicking against us—just not on our palms.



“Adding a touch of danger will stimulate dopamine in her brain, triggering her sex drive.”

Wear a hospital mask out in public. or try whispering in her ear, “Pssst, I have the deadly SARS virus. Yeah, you like that don’t you?”






“Women love to hear men use their names. The more unexpected the place—like in the middle of a sentence—the better. Better still, write her name on your shoulder, or hand, or anyplace she’ll have a chance of spotting it. ”

This would work if you’re in Junior High. And how do you write someone’s name on your own shoulder? If you did, it would be upside-down.






“Your post-run sweat has androstadienone… that spikes her arousal when she smells it.”

Your post-run sweat arouses us to demand you take a shower.  BO is not a turn-on for women. Trust me, you’re never going to discover your woman secretly pawing through your skidmarked tighty-whities to take in whiffs of your ball sweat.





“Put on your toughest, most confident mug as you look at her. Because of the shift in hormone levels, research says, women on the Pill are more attracted to men with rugged features, such as strong, wide jaws.”

This more manly jaw look can be achieved by simply jutting out your lower jaw. Make it a habit to practice daily in the mirror, like when you’re doing your morning taint lengthening exercises. (See diagram below for detailed instructions)

“81 percent of women do not want you to attempt anal without asking.”

100% of women don’t want you to attempt anything without first getting their permission. We don’t like Surprise Vaginal, either.

“Rope-a-dope: this is named after Muhammad Ali’s strategy for toppling George Foreman. When it comes to cunnilingus, be like Ali… Hit her with a series of fast vertical and diagonal tongue strokes on her clit. Then… return to slow, easy strokes… Repeat until she’s out cold.”

The amazing part of this advice is that the male writers compare vadges to George Foreman. Apparently to them, vadges are huge dark tough things that like to sear meat.\


“If you’d rather not have mutant sperm, try filling up on folate.”

I thought guys were supposed to go for ladies on the Pill that they uncovered via their rugged jaws? How does not having defective sperm help pick up hot babes exactly?

“Hey, I just thought you should know, my ”lil racers are super healthy.” Oh, I see, it’s the “danger” approach thing—cause that would be a really scary thing for a woman to hear.



This is not part of a woman’s anatomy

“Ask her to get a Brazilian. But it’s for her own good! Apparently with the mop removed, every sensation down there is heightened!”

A mop?? I’m beginning to wonder if the writers for Men’s Health have ever seen a vagina.







“Pop your c**k in a jar of Nutella, then present it to your lady. Be rewarded with a very enthusiastic blowjob.”

Now you’ve ruined a perfectly good jar of Nutella—-for nothing.

And remember guys:  “Penises are sexy to women.” 

Sigh. No comment.

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