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Men's Health Magazine Ensures You Never Get Laid Again - Staked in the Heart
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Not A Safe Space

Men’s Health Magazine Ensures You Never Get Laid Again

Men’s Health magazine is chock-full of tips on how to seduce a woman, give her a better orgasm, etc. While some of their advice is okay, some of it is the wackiest, worst advice for men I’ve ever read.

Here’s an example:

“If you’re out in public but want to make your intentions clear, slowly and firmly flick your tongue against the palm of her hand. If she just wipes it off down her skirt, you’ve blown it.”

This is why we carry disinfectant everywhere, so we can take nasty germs off our hands. Don’t get me wrong. We want your tongues flicking against us—just not on our palms.




“Adding a touch of danger will stimulate dopamine in her brain, triggering her sex drive.”

Wear a hospital mask out in public. or try whispering in her ear, “Pssst, I have the deadly SARS virus. Yeah, you like that don’t you?”






“Women love to hear men use their names. The more unexpected the place—like in the middle of a sentence—the better. Better still, write her name on your shoulder, or hand, or anyplace she’ll have a chance of spotting it. ”

This would work if you’re in Junior High. And how do you write someone’s name on your own shoulder? If you did, it would be upside-down.





“Your post-run sweat has androstadienone… that spikes her arousal when she smells it.”

Your post-run sweat arouses us to demand you take a shower.  BO is not a turn-on for women. Trust me, you’re never going to discover your woman secretly pawing through your skidmarked tighty-whities to take in whiffs of your ball sweat.




“Put on your toughest, most confident mug as you look at her. Because of the shift in hormone levels, research says, women on the Pill are more attracted to men with rugged features, such as strong, wide jaws.”

This more manly jaw look can be achieved by simply jutting out your lower jaw. Make it a habit to practice daily in the mirror, like when you’re doing your morning taint lengthening exercises. (See diagram below for detailed instructions)


“81 percent of women do not want you to attempt anal without asking.”

100% of women don’t want you to attempt anything without first getting their permission. We don’t like Surprise Vaginal, either.


“Rope-a-dope: this is named after Muhammad Ali’s strategy for toppling George Foreman. When it comes to cunnilingus, be like Ali… Hit her with a series of fast vertical and diagonal tongue strokes on her clit. Then… return to slow, easy strokes… Repeat until she’s out cold.”

The amazing part of this advice is that the male writers compare vadges to George Foreman. Apparently to them, vadges are huge dark tough things that like to sear meat.


“If you’d rather not have mutant sperm, try filling up on folate.”

I thought guys were supposed to go for ladies on the Pill that they uncovered via their rugged jaws? How does not having defective sperm help pick up hot babes exactly?

“Hey, I just thought you should know, my ”lil racers are super healthy.” Oh, I see, it’s the “danger” approach thing — cause that would be a really scary thing for a woman who doesn’t want to get pregnant by you to hear.



This is not part of a woman’s anatomy

“Ask her to get a Brazilian. But it’s for her own good! Apparently with the mop removed, every sensation down there is heightened!”

A mop?? I’m beginning to wonder if the writers for Men’s Health have ever seen a vagina outside of their grandpa’s old Penthouse magazines.







“Pop your c**k in a jar of Nutella, then present it to your lady. Be rewarded with a very enthusiastic blowjob.”

Now you’ve ruined a perfectly good jar of Nutella —- for nothing.

And remember guys according to Men’s Health:  “Penises are sexy to women.” 

What happened here is a huge typo. The word “women” was supposed to be “gay men.”

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Categorised in: Humor, You Got No Game

24 Responses »

  1. Men’s Health is still in print? I thought it went the way of flannel shirts and grunge.

    Although, I have dated a woman who LOVED how I smelled after going for a run. I realize not all women big it, but some do. One gf asked me to sleep in one of my white undershirts and mail it to her while I was on deployment.

  2. Do men really skid mark their underwear? I don’t think I’ve skidmarked my underwear since I was a very young child. I didn’t think it was “that” hard to wipe clean. Worst case you gotta use a decent amount of TP and get it damp with warm water (feels nice too!)


  3. That last one was the best! My man had better NEVER pull some crazy shit like that!

  4. OMG! You are fucking hilarious. I love it, I love it, I love it!

    “Trust me, you’re never going to discover your woman secretly pawing through your skidmarked tighty-whities to take in whiffs of your ball sweat.” So, fucking true!! This is why you never hear of women stealing men’s underwear or sniffing them. We don’t want to go near them!

    • Thank you, Mercy. Your website is an absolute riot.

      One of the funniest scenes on TV was from Sex and The City. It was when Miranda was doing the laundry and came across Steve’s skidmarked white briefs. I almost died laughing. The production department must have smeared a Hershey bar on them to get the effect. Can you imagine how hard they were laughing doing that?

  5. Quite possibly the funniest thing you’ve ever written. I laughed out loud several times. Excellent stuff.

  6. Hahaha! You find some of the best stuff.

  7. Wow. Good to know Men’s Health readers are being done the same disservice Cosmopolitan readers are– terrible advice that nobody should ever use. Equality at last!

  8. Which men’s magazine did these tips come from?

    I get the feeling that you put your spin on them to make them seem hilarious and ridiculous.

    Some of the tips or pointers are spot on.

    But I still think you put your twist on them.

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