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Kim Kardashian's Sex Tape: A Semi-Unbiased Review - Staked in the Heart
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Not A Safe Space

Kim Kardashian’s Sex Tape: A Semi-Unbiased Review

Recently, Kris Jenner has come under fire for suspicion of being the master-mind behind the planning, staging and releasing of Kim’s scandalous sex tape. Trust me. She isn’t responsible.

I’ve seen Kim’s tape. I was forced to watch it. I didn’t want to.

It was clear no one directed the embarrassing abomination known as “Kim Kardashian Superstar.”

Here she is in her $1000 bra that definitely isn’t getting sprayed with icky sperm

First of all, Kim K and Ray J are two of the most unimaginative “lovers” out there. There are no sex toys, no role playing, no kink. Not even a lousy pair of pink fluffy handcuffs. There is no steamy foreplay where he slowly rips her clothes off or teases her with his tongue.


Kim has to give herself foreplay

What we get is Kim prancing around in a robe and expensive lingerie, probably purchased at Agent Provocateur, you know, $800 panties. Those come off pretty quickly because—God forbid—she doesn’t want that fancy French lace to get torn crusty stains on it.



One of the rare times their mouths are closed and not exposing chomped on gum

She and Ray J both smack gum the entire time like two cows chewing cud. I had a revelation watching them. I realized chewing gum, and having sex at the same time is not sexy. At. All.

The ancient hotel phone in their room piercingly rings. Ray J answers it—in the middle of their getting down to business—because who wants to miss that important call from hotel staff about whether you need more towels or not?


Later, Ray J is going to enjoy watching himself looking at himself

They both pose and play up to the camera constantly. I’m not sure who they think their audience is. But maybe they know that some day the world will be seeing them doing the nasty.

Okay, here’s the fun part you’ve been waiting for: Kim gives Ray J a perfunctory blow job. She uses the clever two-handed method created by women so we don’t have to actually go all the way down a man’s meat shaft. Kim barely dips his tip into her greedy unwilling mouth before quickly spitting it out. (It’s obvious that’s one more job Kim doesn’t want to work at. )

Ray J gives her oral, and she lies there unmoving like a slice of cold lox waiting silently to be smeared with cream-cheese.

Its hard to tell which entry he goes in because of the camera angle, but he does her doggie style while she lies on her stomach on the bed. (I’m thinking Greek.) He pounds her bulbous buttucks region like a champ.

Go ahead. Pretend you’re Ray J at this point

Kim moans and screams over and over, like a broken record, “Oh, shit BABY, oh shit BABY, oh shit BABY, oh shit BABY….” But she changes things up for her man by varying the rhythm and word emphasis, “Oh, baby SHIT, oh baby SHIT, oh baby SHIT….”

What is he thinking? He’s going to smear her makeup

Then to get him to hurry up already and cum–’cause she’s bored and getting sore—she fakes orgasm.

She grunts and cries out repeatedly, “BABY, I’M CUMMING! I’M CUMMING! I’M EXPLODING ON YOUR COCK!!!! I’M JUST EXPLODING BABY!!”

Kim needs to watch more videos done by highly trained professionals so she can learn some tips on how to properly fake an orgasm.

RATING:  With the highest score being a possible 5 Erect Penises, this gets a 1 Limp Dick.

Click here to see the 1 Night in Paris sex tape review.

Click here to see the infamous “Dirty Sanchez” celeb sex tape review.

Click here to see the review of Colin Farrell’s sex tape.

Check out The Three Hot Chicks on Porn’s hilarious review of “Another Night in Chyna” here

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37 Responses »

  1. Great review… Kim definitely could have taken some acting lessons. I am guessing she is coaching Blac Chyna on her sex tape advice. I doubt Kylie or Kendall will follow in her footsteps, but Blac and Rob seems almost inevitable.

  2. Kim Kardashian is the fattest nastiest horror I’ve ever seen

  3. Your review and many comments are priceless. I knew I’d be rewarded to search for reviews of that tape, rather than actually pay to see it! Its so true, all reviews of pron should be done by women…incl the popular forms of kink!!

  4. Thanks for the review

  5. O.M.G. my sides are dying LMFAO! I’m glad I’ve stumbled upon this and Paris’ tape review, it made my day! (Really hoping you could do more of these ahaha)

  6. You just saved me money (not really more than a few buck) and the trouble of signing up and wasting time watching and god knows whether the distributor keeps billing you until you cancel. I really appreciate this review a lot, thanks.

  7. Agree, and no passion was there.

  8. lol…That sounds like a torture session for you, not a porn video. Did you hack off the wrong person???

  9. “like a slice of cold lox waiting silently to be smeared with cream-cheese” – !!! I think I almost died laughing. like, you almost sent me into a full blown laughing-induced asthma attack (those are real, you know). Thanks for a great laugh!!

  10. Perfect analysis. Love porn reviews written by ladies! haha was planning to post one soon, myself. I think the world needs more critical eye on phony sex.

    • I agree! We need more reviews from women, cause we don’t just love everything in a porn movie like the menfolk. I can’t wait to read your review. Hurry up and do it already.

      • ACTUALLY some of us “menfolk” have brains, which really prevents this condition we can call “porn-blindness” or “porn-goggles” (your pick). See, some of us are just a tiny bit more evolved than “oooh girl, boob, must touch penis….. ooooh!!!” so, I hope you take us into consideration next time. We do exist.

  11. Are you sure this wasn’t a commercial for lingerie? I’m thinking she got an endorsement. I’d like to put a bestbathroombooks.com sticker on her ass for the next one please.

  12. Up until now, I was always sort of curious about that tape, but your description has done to me exactly what your rating of the video is; given me one limp dick.

  13. Sounds lame, I didn’t know people still faked orgasms. I can’t fake orgasms and I don’t want to fake them….and absolutely never would fake it on video because you know someone out there, like your fine self, would notice.

    I am going to watch it just to make sure it was as dumb as you say it is….just like I did with the other celebrity videos. We could female porn critics. That’s not a terrible idea.

    • OMG. That is an idea! We should!!

      I was at someone’s house for a party and they porn running on the tv. It was very bad porn. You know, cheap sets, poor camera work, hideous actresses. Apparently, they couldn’t afford male actors so they dragged men off the street, like homeless bums, who were staggering up the bed to do their part.

      I was mocking it the entire time, but the men were getting mad at me. LOL

      • hahahaha, I’m glad you did it then!

        • Another time someone was watching “Houston’s Gang Bang”. That thing was so awful. I mocked it, too.

          Maybe I need to see it again just to blog about it. They allowed any man to come on set and do her so they could reach 300. There were some priceless moments, like when one of the chumps, after banging her, thinks they’ve bonded. He tries to carry on a conversation, and she cuts him off yelling, “NEXT!”

  14. Something about so-called celebs fucking doesn’t appeal to me.Never have.

    I’d watch granny porn before a celeb-sex tape.

  15. Considering how fake Kim is, and how plastic her personality, is it really any wonder that it’d be more exciting to fuck a light socket than kim k?

    She’s a vapid waste of DNA.


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