Does This Belt of Explosives Make Me Look Fat?

1409252701266_wps_15_A_new_English_language_AlAl Qaeda has published a new terrorist magazine in English. What’s its name? This Week in Death to America? The Popular Jihadist? Kaboom?

No, it’s called Palestine, as if it’s the ultimate insiders’ guide to Palestinian culture, recipes, travel and events, like California Living.

Claiming it “focuses on the raw emotions of  the victim hood in the Muslim world,” the new Islamic terrorist magazine urges lone wolf bombings of Las Vegas, Times Square, London shops and military targets. It features how-to articles on making car bombs and thoughtfully suggests terror targets. It calls upon Muslims around the world to follow Palestine’s bomb recipe to set off car bombs in crowded places.

One article is, “How to make a Bomb in the Kitchen of your Mom.” It details a DYI, illustrated guide on assembling a pressure-cooker bomb similar to the ones used in the Boston Marathon bombings. (Apparently, most Jihadists still live with mommy. Going around beheading people and blowing yourself up evidently doesn’t pay very well. )

“My Muslim brother, before you start reading the instructions, remember that this type of operation if prepared well and an appropriate target is chosen and Allah decrees success for you, history will never forget it. It will be recorded as a crushing defeat on the enemies of Islam.”

One article brags that the Palestine car bomb recipe is far superior to other car bomb recipes in that theirs gives one the ability to make a bomb even in countries with tight security and surveillance. (Well, I guess the Palestine car bomb recipe isn’t required for America.)

Palestine conveniently provides a list of supplies needed to make such a bomb, including cooking gas, oxygen gas, a barometer, decoration lamps, matches, and of course, mommy’s car.

[Note:  the above is taken from the actual magazine. Now I’m going to make fun of it.]

Jihadi Bachelor of the Month
Hunky Jihadi Bachelor of the Month

Palestine magazine features “Jihadist Bachelor of the Month” where the loyal Jihadistas can get to know a little bit more about the single, available mujahideens.

        Bachelor Data Sheet

Name: Abu Mansoor Al-Amriki*

Birth place:  United States

Ambition:  Kill the infidels

Turn-ons: A girl who knows her way around a bomb-making kitchen and girls who wear matching explosives belts and panties under their burqas

Turn-offs:  Women who still have their clitoris

Favorite Things to Do: Praising Allah, crazy ranting about America, reading goat porn and avoiding bathing

The Man I Most Look Up To:  Mohammad, of course

My Dream First Date: Dinner for two consisting of goats head soup followed by us running from drone strikes in the moonlight

Babes in Burqas

Palestine has also their exciting annual “Babes in Burqas” issue where readers use their imaginations to visualize what the women look like underneath their tents. Readers get to vote on which woman looks hotter based on the folds and the way the fabric drapes over her. The winner is then featured on the cover of the Palestine B ‘n B issue wearing her choice of burqa in either black or blue.

An upcoming special new section in future Palestine issues will be for the lady Islamic terrorists. “For Jihadistas Only” will have articles that address feminine issues such as how a bulky belt of explosives can add twenty pounds and “What does an orgasm feel like?”

Let’s take a look at some letters to the Editor of Palestine magazine, shall we?

Dear Editor,

While following your recipe to make a car bomb to kill American infidels, my car accidentally blew up and took out the side of my garage. Will my home owner’s insurance cover this?

Praise be to Allah!


Dear Editor,

I find it so annoying when I’m fruitlessly sawing and sawing at the neck of a non-believer. It just takes forever to cut off their heads! Do you have any suggestions for the best infidel beheading knife?


Loyal Jihadist


Dear Editor,

When I’m posing with my decapitated heads for Twitter and Instagram pics, the heads never look “real” in the photos. What can I do to convince my Muslim brothers that my infidel heads were not bought at the Halloween store?


Islamic Terrorist

Dear Readers,

Please don’t bother to write and tell me how I shouldn’t make light of such serious things. That’s what these Islamics do, let’s just call it like it is. Their behavior is so egregious, so horrific, so absurdly beyond the pale that they should be mocked, and right after that, they should be nuked.

Also, don’t tell me that “not all Muslims are bad people.” That’s a given. Not all Nazis were bad, either.

Islam is the problem, not “radicals” not “extremists”.

Islam: the religion of pieces.

 UPDATE  9/2/2014:  After beheading American journalist, James Foley, ISIS threatened to behead the 2nd American journalist, Steven Sotloff. They did so today. RIP, Steven.



*Al-Amriki is dead and decomposing. Even worse for him, he’s finished deflowering his 72nd virgin. Now what? He’s stuck with a bunch of demanding, nagging non-virgins. For eternity. Doesn’t seem like Allah thought that one through.




Meth Ain’t a Beauty Product

I’ve never tried meth because, honestly, it never interested me. Looking at this collection of meth addict mug shots taken at different ages, I’m glad I haven’t. These are gruesome. If I were shown these horrible pics as a teen, I wouldn’t have gone near the stuff. (Not that I did anyway.)

Without meaning to make a joke, this is the Zombie Apocalypse. These people look like the walking dead, rotting from the inside, their brains fried.

This is an anti-meth ad produced by It should be put up in schools, clubs, train stations, grocery stores, everywhere.

Meth ad

The Wacky Petraeus Love Pentagon Explained

No, this isn’t General Petraeus and wife Holly. This is Petraeus with his biographer and mistress, Paula Broadwell

There are so many players in the unfolding soap opera of the General Petraeus sex scandal that I decided to straighten them out. It’s confusing trying to keep track of who was sending what threatening and/or lurid email to whom.

It all started when General Petraeus had an affair with the biographer of his book All In: The Education of General Petraeus. The biographer/mistress was Paula Broadwell. They bonded over an interest in running and doing push-ups. She nicknamed him “Peaches.”

Recently, a local news station got mixed up and put the hilarious meme of the book All Up in My Snatch on the air by mistake. Here is that meme:

Jill Kelley

Anyway, Paula got jealous over a Petraeus family friend, socialite Jill Kelley and began to send her anonymous nasty emails warning her away from “her man.” She even accused Kelley of feeling “General Peaches” up under the table one night at a dinner.

Kelley got frightened by the harassing emails and reported them to the FBI. The FBI traced the emails to Paula Broadwell, and in the process discovered the sexually charged emails back and forth between the lovers, Petraeus and Broadwell. Petraeus resigned as CIA Director after their affair was made public.

Meanwhile, the FBI agent investigating the Broadwell-Petraeus-Kelley case became “obsessed”  with Jill Kelley–decided he wanted to probe her some more—and sent shirtless photos of himself to her. The Shirtless FBI Agent was ordered to “stay the hell away” from the investigation, but couldn’t resist continuing to poke around in it. He is under investigation for his unprofessional behavior.

General John Allen who succeeded Petraeus as Commander of the NATO and Afghanistan troops

While the FBI investigated Jill Kelley’s email harassment case, they discovered she had tens of thousands of “flirtatious” emails back and forth to the married General John Allen.

So here is the Love Pentagon in a nutshell: General Petraus had an affair with Paula Broadwell, who wrote harrassing emails to Jill Kelley, who reported it to the Shirtless FBI Agent who became obsessed with her while discovering thousands of flirty emails she and General Allen wrote each other.

Got all that?

Paula Broadwell looks adoringly at the old goat with his wife right there

I’m sure we haven’t heard all the twists and turns of this story yet.

Nothing Brings Out Your Cheekbones Like A Horrendous Disaster

“Does this smashed car make my butt look fat?”

New York City resident Nana Gouvea took full advantage of Sandy’s wreckage by sexily posing amidst downed trees, destroyed cars, and wrecked buildings.

Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking how could she do this when people have died in this hurricane; people have lost everything they own in this world. People are without power, water, and are forced to dumpster dive for food. They need help desperately. Shouldn’t she be passing out blankets or something? Don’t be ridiculous.

Nothing signals it’s time for a photo shoot more than a disaster.

A quick look through history and we find that this isn’t Nana’s first disaster. She’s a seasoned professional disaster model.

Nana at the sinking of the Titanic
Nana atop the exploding Hindenburg
Nana bravely carries on during Britney Spear’s disastrous comeback performance
Nana maintains her composure while victims of the infamous Andes Mountain crash consume the other passengers
Nana takes time out to strike a pose during the chaos of Pearl Harbor
Nana at an embarassing disaster
Nana has to rely on her keen modeling instincts to know whether or not to put her hands on her hips while posing in a river of raw sewage caused by a tsunami
This disaster in the Hudson river could have been much worse had it not been for Nana’s heroic modeling efforts
Whether it’s a nuclear explosion, raging fire, or a president getting his head blown off, Nana knows it’s important to maintain focus and hold that pose
Nana gets photobombed by refugees
Nana brightens up the otherwise dreary Chernobyl landscape
A good model knows whether to stand or sit in the life boat

The Chinese Invent a Robotic Vagina, Hilarity Ensues

The Chinese have done it again. This time they have invented what they delicately call a hands-free “sperm extractor.”  The entirely automated robot vagina can be adjusted for speed, frequency, amplitude and temperature, depending on individual user preference.

It has a small screen on the top which plays “helpful” XXX films complete with headphones to help with the “extraction process.”

It is currently in use at sperm donation clinics. The creators of  RoboVadge claim that the realistically colored neon pink and grey tube gives “a very comfortable feeling.” It helps patients who have a hard time ejaculating the old-fashioned way with a dirty magazine and their hand. It retails for $2800.

When you’ve been using it too much a friendly message pops up on the screen that reads: “Sorry, I have a headache tonight.” (I made that up.)

Finally, something made in China that people are going to want to buy.

See it in action here. Note the Chinese women giggling in the background:

Whore Pills are Causing You to Act Slatterningly and Are Turning Men Gay

The inadvertently hilarious video “You Deserve to Know the Truth: Contraception” warns of the dangers of birth control pills. According to the video, “contracepting” is the leading cause of sluttery and gayness. (Contracepting is their made-up word they must have thought sounded more sophisticated than “birth controlling.”)

Here is their reasoning behind this:

“Contracepting makes men not interested in having sex with women.” –Because the hormones in The Pill interfere with natural pheromones, men don’t find women sexually attractive. (This must be why no one is having sex anymore.)

“Contracepting confuses men.”  — When men have no fertile females around to mate with, they end up turning homo. Backing up this claim, is a “study” done in the 1970s that found male chimps turned gay if the females in their zoo enclosure were given The Chimp Pill.

(The study failed to note that homosexuality was also observed when the females were not given The Pill, because homosexuality is normally found in nature. Also not mentioned in the study was the chimps’ propensity for peeing in each other’s mouths and their tendency to pluck hairs from around their assholes and eat them.)

“Contracepting women degrade themselves through immodest dress and action in an attempt to attract men who are confused from a lack of fertile women.” — Since all men are turned off by the huge number of women on The Pill, this causes females to have to try extra hard to get them in the sack. The females are dressing immodestly with short skirts, fake eyelashes and clear heels. They are acting immodestly by taking cell phone pics of themselves scantily dressed and posting them on Facebook. Even worse, the little whores are banging whoever.

This huss is dressing and acting immodestly. This disturbing scene wouldn’t be happening if she wasn’t surrounded by sluts on The Pill

“If you had a valuable racehorse, because of its worth, you’d want it to have as many offspring as possible. But the value of a horse is nothing compared to the value of each and every human.”  — A comparison between horses and woman is completely appropriate here. Women are livestock who should be producing kids valuable foals as fast as they can. (Note: a horse isn’t worth near as a much as each and every human, unless of course, it’s a Triple Crown Winner.)

“There is no overpopulation problem on this planet.” – According to the video, the entire population of the earth could “fit comfortably” in the state of Texas. Texas would be a “functional megacity” with everyone living in their own ‘lil 900 sq feet of space. (That sounds so comfortable. It’s like the episode of Star Trek where the people on this one planet were wedged in like sardines and having to stand up all the time.)

“Birth control pills cause adultery, divorce, abortion, homosexuality, sexually transmitted diseases, promiscuity, and bestiality.”

—insert record scratch sound here—

Wait? What? The Pill causes bestiality? That’s right. Men are so confused by the hordes of infertile, non-pregnant women around them, they are turning to their dogs for sex. Can you blame them?

Here is the video:

And You Thought Botox Was Making People’s Foreheads Look Weird…..

Her bagel turned out perfectly! Now she just needs some cream cheese to smear on it

Japan has a beauty trend called “Bagel Head”. It’s where they have a doctor some quack inject lots of saline into their forehead with an IV. After the forehead is nice and puffy, the quack presses his finger in the center. This leaves an indent that resembles a bagel. (Here in America, we call an IV that has accidentally gone into the skin a medical mishap. In Japan it’s a beauty treatment.)

Here’s how you get a Bagel Head. The medical personnel quacks inserts several IV needles into your forehead. The needles are hooked up to little bags of normal saline that drip in under your skin. You sit patiently for a couples hours, and there it is:  a big swollen spot one would normally apply a bag of frozen pies to.

Doesn’t this look like fun, folks?
Normally IV needles sticking out of someone’s forehead would look odd, but in their case, you hardly notice them.
Now she has two belly buttons

The body absorbs the saline in about 24 hours so it’s not permanent.

Here is a video with more photos. Enjoy!

The Wacky Customers of Walmart Celebrate 50 Years of Pantlessness and Butt Cleavage

Walmart is 50 years old now, and what does that mean? Fifty glorious years of The People of Walmart! For some reason, Walmart customers are the wackiest people with their bizarre automobiles, freaky clothes, missing pants, major butt cleavage, and exotic pets they drag to the store.

In case you didn’t know, there’s an entire website devoted to the crazy Walmart customers. People send in their candid photos taken from Walmarts around the country. The website is called The People of Walmart. These are some of their photos.

The Walmart customer has refined taste in automobiles.

It’s a troll car!

Nothing says I love you like proposing to her at a Walmart in front of the canned tuna section.

WalMart is the place to go to get fresh ideas for hairstyles.

Dresscode:  Pants optional.

No comment

It’s a good thing these people had their pants on.

You can shop with your pet.

Wacky behavior is not only accepted, it’s the norm.

And there’s always plenty of butt cleavage at a Walmart.

Every day is Halloween.

To see more People of Walmart go here.

Living In The Zombie Apocalypse

The CDC wants you to know they are here for you when the zombies attack

The CDC wants you to be prepared for the upcoming zombie apocalypse, which is almost upon us. Their explanation for using zombies is to “spice up our general preparedness message.” (Because tornadoes and earthquakes aren’t sexy. Zombies are.)

These are zombies. Even Sarah Michelle Geller is one
Although they look mindless, these are not zombies











Once the zombies have arrived in your area, what should you do? Forget that useless CDC emergency kit you have for hurricanes or floods. You aren’t going to need clean bedding, hand towels or your frickin’ driver’s license when hungry zombies are chasing you.

You will need your Zombie Emergency Kit. This is it:

These people are doomed

The CDC recommends you have a meeting place chosen so you can regroup with your family. They suggest the family mailbox. This will not work in a zombie attack. Zombies love it when family members are stupidly standing around waiting for each other. It’s a brain buffet.

Next, you need to head to your escape home. That $100K hand-crafted fancy pants iron gate in front of your mansion isn’t going to do squat to keep out the staggering zombies mindlessly pushing against it. You need to live somewhere the zombies can’t get.

This trailer-apartment complex is the type of place you need to live. Ever seen a zombie climbing stairs like these? Didn’t think so.

Welcome to your new apartment complex

This next house is great for quick Zombie-get-a-ways.

While you plow through the horde, granny can shoot ’em from the porch with her shotgun

This Porta-Potty is totally zombie safe.

The last thing you need are zombies pushing at the door when you’re dropping a deuce

Everyone knows zombies can’t swim. Here are more zombie safe locations:

And, bonus, it has A/C!
In your Zombie Free RV you’ll be the envy of everyone still alive!
This houseboat boasts an upper level for sunbathing and picking off the undead stumbling near the water’s edge
This is the new luxury high rise
This is where HRH, Queen Elizabeth, will be living

You could hunker down in your own luxurious zombie proof bunker.

Wherever you end up living, things are going to change in the Zombie Apocalypse. We all have to make slight adjustments, even The Queen.

Read about how to find Mr. Right in a Zombie Apocalypse here.


Pervy High School Girl’s Coach Writes Gross Book About Vaginas

Bryan Craig, an Illinois high school girl’s basketball coach and counselor just resigned from his teaching job when it was discovered he wrote a bizarre book about sex called “It’s Her Fault.”

He claimed he wrote the 44 page book, which is for sale on Amazon, to “help others” have better relationships.

I forced myself to read the book this crap because that’s what I do for you, my dear readers. I read and watch the shi*t so you don’t have to.

Coach Craig explains why he’s eminently qualified to write a sex relationship book:  “I coach girls basketball, work in an office where I am the only male counselor, and am responsible for roughly 425 high school students a year, about half of whom are females. Suffice it to say, I have spent a considerable amount of time around, and with, the fairer sex.” (Correction: He has spent considerable time around underage girls.)

In his book, Coach Craig applauds strippers for their power to manipulate men and encourages women to learn from them. He also encourages both men and women to slut around before marriage so they can experience different co*k and pussies, find out what they like, try different positions. Yeah, that’s all great advice coming from someone who counsels teens. 

Coach Craig’s Cooch Color Chart

Then Coach launches into a discussion on how women’s “vaginal walls” have different colors, moistness levels, sizes and temperatures depending on the woman’s ethnicity. He describes Asians as having “standard” vaginal wall color.

He must keep a vadge color chart handy as a reference guide because I’m not sure what a “standard” vadge color is and I own one. He claims black women’s lady bits are “neon pink” and “meatier” which means they show more camel toe.

Coach Craig scanning the crowd for potential camel toes

It’s clear he has a fetish for camel toe. He mentions it often, along with how hard a man is going to get when he catches a glimpse of one. Thanks for sharing, Coach, but we don’t want to know what causes your insignificant erections.

He reveals that ethnicity influences vaginal warmth. Lighter skinned blacks, for instance, have less hot vadges than their darker skinned counterparts. Latinas have the hottest vadges, of course.

He claims “having sex with a Latin girl with a condom is equivalent heat-wise to having sex with a white girl [without a condom.]” I’m surprised he didn’t explain this increased “heat value” is because Latinas eat lots of hot peppers. (Note: he used the word “girl” not woman.)

It’s Just a Small World of Vaginas for Coach Craig

One of the worst aspects of the book, isn’t just that Coach McPervson works with young girls; it’s that he dedicated the book to his mother and his wife. (And his mother read it??)

He describes himself  “to be beyond the highest caliber of men, but I admit I have a weakness for cleavage.” He apparently thinks being a boob man is his worst quality.

Coach Camel Toe has absolutely no awareness of how creepy and inappropriate he is. Didn’t he think some of his underage students would read his book? Was that his intent? It makes me cringe to think what other possible gross misconduct he’s been doing under the guise of trusted school counselor and girl’s basketball Coach.

Now that he’s lost his job, maybe the Coach can pursue his true calling:  publishing his masterpiece “Vaginas of the World.” He can create a whole new branch of anthropology, and his work on ethnic vaginal classification can become the definitive go-to standard for future anthropologists. One day anthropologists won’t remember a time when Coach McPervson’s epic three-part Encyclopedia of Vaginas didn’t exist.

Coach McPervson looks like he’s been studying the diversity of weed in this photo

Something Women Have Needed For Centuries: Their Very Own Pens!

BIC has created a line of pens exclusively for women. I’ve been so tired of struggling my whole life to use those regular man pens with their massive barrels and  unmatched plug and ink colors.

Finally, I will be able to write things down!

They are called Cristal for Her, come in special girlie colors like Amber for Her and are “elegantly designed just for her!”  Here are their key features (these are real pens):

  • Tinted barrel (pink, purple, blue, green or orange) thinner for a better handling for women – You don’t have to write your feminist manifesto in hairy masculine colors like black and blue. *shudder* You can write in rainbow vagina colors as it should be
  • Quality ink, quick drying and smooth writing – For effortless drawing of unicorns and smiley faces. The pen practically dots each “i” with a heart by itself!
  • Tungsten carbide ball, perfect sphere and very resistant – All the better to stab him with
  • Packaged in a lovely shade of pink to please a woman’s taste – No more feeling “wrong” buying pens that were in gender neutral packaging
  • Attractive hexagonal shaped barrel for easier handling by women – BIC has realized our biological limitations and created a sparkly pen our delicate flower-arranging hands can hold without getting worn out
  • Light: designed and manufactured with just the right amount of raw materials – This lightness will help on those heavy flow days when you’re a bit peaked from anemia
  • PVC free product – This is very important to women, the first thing we do before we buy anything is make sure it is PVC free
  • Plug color matches ink color – Like drapes matching the carpet
  • Strong Enough for a Man, Yet PH Balanced for a Woman* – These pens are appropriately balanced for a woman’s gentle PH, unlike the man pens
Thanks to BIC, we women are no longer forced to write in a man’s world. Now we don’t have to suffer from pens envy.
*I admit I made up this one feature

Lay’s Potato Chip Contest Produces Some Truly Gag Inducing Flavors

Lay’s Potato chip has a contest running right now for a brand new flavor. The prize: $1,000,000. This has brought everyone out of the woodwork with their crazy, not-well-thought-out ideas.

Along with the usual bacon-cheddar-guacamole-jalapeno-taco-pizza entries there were some that were way out there. Keep in mind these are supposed to be potato chip flavors.

Broccoli and chicken alfredo – Oh, yeah, cause that’s what kids are craving to snack on:  dinner

Kentucky bourbon – This is excellent to get kids started early with their alcoholism

Peanut butter and jelly – Now there’s no need for mom to even bother making sandwiches for the kids, she can just hand them a bag of these chips

Irish corn beef – As opposed to the delicious English corn beef flavor potato chips

Cheese cake – Let’s put sugar and fat on top of our fat and salt

Tuna casserole – Uhm, when we open a bag of chips, we want to smell something pleasant

Salmon and lemon – Ditto for the salmon flavor

Cheetos – We already have a snack that is Cheeto flavored:  Cheetos

Yams and marshmallows – I can’t imagine how disgusting this could be. The real stuff is bad enough at Thanksgiving

S’mores – Ditto for this one

Waffle syrup – And this one

Almond milk and almond chips – It’s amazing this hasn’t been done before because everyone loves almond milk so much

Omelette – Because an egg adds such a delicious flavor to whatever it’s in…..oh, wait

Beer apple tea – This individual needs to Lay’s off the beer

Watermelon and cantaloupe – Part of why you bother eating a watermelon is to slurp all its juiciness, this is kinda lost in a dry chip

Ocean fish –  Okay, it’s not a contest for a cat food flavor

Then there were these kinds of entries, chip titles that gave no indication as to the flavor:

Flying Flavor of Lay – The Flavor of Lay? I don’t think I want to imagine what that could be

London Fog – This flavor would be an ancient street with essence of wet rotting garbage and vomit from local pub-goers

Tasty Hullabullo – Not sure what a hullabullo is, but Neosporin might help

Probasies –  This sounds like a milder form of rabies. “Good news! Turns out he only was infected with probasies. No need for you to have a bunch of painful injections.”

Gazpacho – This is cold soup. How is that going to translate into a dry room temperature chip?

Roasted Road Kill –  I think this person was joking, but, then again, maybe not. I did once catch my neighbor’s kids hauling roadkill home around Thanksgiving (true story)

Pebie – No idea whatsoever what this is supposed to be

Death by Chips – These must be laced with flavor of arsenic

Crimson and Clover – Maybe this person doesn’t realize clover is not a spice and crimson is a color

Smokin’ a Bowl – And we have a winner! Marijuana flavored potato chips! Lay’s needs to get right on this now

If you want to get in on the fun, check out the Lay’s Potato Chip Flavor Contest. (You don’t have to have a Facebook account to enter.)