Meet The Gross Dude Who Will Pay $1500 to Find a Perfect Woman

This is Romeo Rose

A man named Romeo Rose, who calls himself a rock star/poet/artist/photographer/romantic, created a website where he posted his wish list for the perfect woman. He’s so serious about finding the future Mrs. Rose that he’s offering $1500 to whoever introduces them.

His list is as ludricrous as the perfect man wish lists of the Crazy Cat Ladies. Let’s take a look at what this amazing specimen of a man loser wants:

No sluts or fat asses need apply

“I will not date a overweight or fat girl. I like girls that are 130 pounds or less.

I will not date any girl that has ever had a threesome, or a large number of past sexual partners. I do not want a promiscuous slut,…

I will not date a Black girl. I don’t care if she looks like Halle Berry….And, I do not believe that Whites & Blacks should mix races sexually and have kids. I think it’s ok for Whites & Hispanics. But not Blacks. I would NEVER, EVER, EVER date a woman if I found out she had EVER been sexually active with a Black man.”

So he doesn’t want an overweight woman, someone who was promiscuous, or of a different race.  Well, that’s okay. He can be a bigot if he wants to be.

“I prefer a woman that has never had children, because having kids does ruin a womans body. They end up with stretch marks. And also sometimes it makes their vagina looser, and I don’t care how many kegel exercises a woman does, after she has 2 or 3 eight to ten pound babies, you can’t tell me it’s going to be 100% as tight as it ever was! Plus, what’s even worse than all of that, is sometimes during childbirth the lips/vulva of a woman get torn and they never look the same as the did originally even after they heal, that’s why some women even get cosmetic reconstructive surgery to their vulvas after childbirth to try and regain their original appearance.

Wow. He expects flawless skin and a perfect vadge. Does he have a perfect penis? Not that I want to think about his. At. All. I just threw up a little in my mouth.

I also like girls with long hair. I like a girl to look like a girl, not a man, I like a feminine, pretty girl. I like hair down to the shoulders at least. Sometimes I can make exceptions if it is shorter depending on how it looks on the girl….

I do not like glasses on a girl. Although, it’s not a dealbreaker, as long as she can wear contacts at least most of the time.

If a girl is wanting to have babies, I am not her man.

I will not date a girl that does not have a job or career.

I am not looking for any type of woman that is materialistic or a gold digger or expects a man to pay for everything.

I do not like tattoos on a woman. To me, tattoos just represent white trash or somone that’s been in prison.

Redheads are my favorite, next is Brunettes, and next is Blondes, in that order. I like all 3, but I’m just saying if I had to choose, that’s my order of preference.

Women all over the world are rushing to change their hair color, and get Lasik eye surgery.

I also do not like piercings…I do not like a woman to have anything pireced other than her Ears….

I will not be in any relationship with a woman that gambles or wastes money on such things.

I do not like strippers!  I believe that the only person that should ever see a womans naked body is only her boyfriend or husband.

Romeo doesn’t like female nudity, unless the woman is naked with him, of course

Oddly enough, Romeo has a photo of himself on the internet with a naked woman. I guess she isn’t ever going to be Mrs. Romeo Rose.

I will not date any girl that can not always be honest & faithful to me.

I prefer a girl that does not smoke.

I will not date any girl if she is still friends with any men that she has been intimate with in the past, I believe once a relationship with someone is over, it’s OVER.

I will not date a selfish woman. I do not like selfish women at all.

I do not like sarcastic or cynical people, I do not like people that always think negatively either, so that type of girl would also not be a good match for me.

I do not expect a girl to agree with all of my beliefs or opinions etc, but I do not like to argue.

Translation:  the woman shouldn’t voice her opinions if they differ from his.

I like a girl that dresses on the conservative side. Not like a slut, and not anything weird. Just normal…T-Shirt & Jeans are OK. But a girl in a dress really gets my heart racing! I also love it when a girl wears a mini skirt with boots, not cowboy boots, but sexy boots. Or high heels, I love spiked high heels!

I like a girl that takes care of herself and keeps herself clean of course.

I love it when a girl wears sexy lingerie in the bedroom! Especially thigh highs!

I need a girl that can be very warm & affectionate and loving.

It’s also nice if the girl has a big heart and appreciates simples things, and understands the value of sentimental things etc.

I like a girl that appreciates romance and the art of courtship.

Kissing is one of my most favorite things to do with a girl, it’s very important.

It dosen’t matter at all to me how big or small a girls breasts are. I prefer them to be real & natural though. I am against breast implants, I see that as unnecessery self mutilation, and I would not want a girlfriend that has breast implants.

I like to get a lot of attention in a relationship, and I like to give it as well.

I also have a very high sex drive.

I know sometimes on my website here, I may seem like a negative person because I point out sooooo many things that I dislike, but I assure you I am a very positive person, I am just tring to put out here my likes/dislikes so you can know more about me and what type of girl may get along with me.

Thanks so much for creating this great list, Romeo! Because we women really care about what type of girl you want.

In closing he gives us this:

I never said I was a Don Juan with women, although “Romeo Rose does Pimp them Ho’s… From the Ghettos to da Limo’s.”

You could be this clown’s girlfriend, if only you hadn’t gotten that butterfly tat during spring break!

It’s like he’s ordering up a woman from a menu.

His perfect woman is a long haired, redheaded, white, thin, warm, affectionate, sentimental, giving, romantic, loving, honest, faithful, sexually inexperienced, career minded, non-sarcastic “girl” with 20/20 vision, a tight pretty vagina, no piercings, no tats, flawless skin, natural breasts, hasn’t had children and doesn’t want them. She doesn’t smoke, doesn’t gamble, isn’t materialistic, doesn’t speak to exes, doesn’t argue, gives him constant attention, and she will wear whatever he wants because it turns him on—while she agrees to have sex whenever he wants it—which will be all the time.

What are the odds that this combination of woman exists? In order for them to be a match, she would need all of those things listed above in addition to having poor judgment and very low standards for her men.

‘Cause Romeo (aka Larry Busby) has a restraining order out on him from a previous ex-girlfriend for harassing and stalking her. Oh, yeah. He’s that kind of guy.

Here’s what the future Mrs. Romeo Rose’s Wish List would have to include in order for them to be a good match. He would have to:

  1. Have brown, unwashed hair
  2. Have scary Morton Downy chompers
  3. Look like Dave Grohl gone terribly wrong
  4. Be Delusional
  5. Be Narcissistic
  6. Be a Bad guitar player
  7. Be Jealous
  8. Be Controlling
  9. Be Sexist
  10. Be Racist
  11. Be Horny
  12. Be Under-deodorized
  13. Be Abusive to women
  14. Be a Poor dresser
  15. Be an Egomaniac
This is a Real Doll. She costs about $5K

What we have here is a Real Doll Winner. Like the Crazy Cat Ladies who will end up with a collection litter boxes, Romeo is going to end up with a collection of faux women and their various accoutrements, like removable vadges and wigs.

A Real Doll meets all his requirements, except for the career, but hey, he can always rent her out.

This is the same old problem of a person putting a list out there in the hopes the universe will spit back out a fantasy mate.

If you want to attract someone, you need to have something to offer them.

“World War Z” is an Epic Failure

World War Z is a predictable, clichéd film that—with the exception of piles of cheesy CGI zombies—we’ve seen before.  Stars Brad Pitt as a retired UN Inspector charged with saving the world after almost everyone turns into a zombie because UN inspectors do more than check for chemical weapons. Brad has to be forced out of retirement on threat of having his family evicted from a safe zone because he’s the best—and damn it—the only one who can get the job done. He is the world’s only hope because apparently, Bruce Willis, Robert Redford, Sly Stallone, Tom Cruise, Will Smith, Arnold, Denzel Washington and Clint Eastwood have all been eaten by zombies.

Also stars Mirielle Enos as his “One Each Caucasian Wife”. Her character is so undeveloped she doesn’t do anything but shriek and cuddle The Kids. Anyone off the street could have played her role. Pitt’s UN boss is played by Fana Mokeona because Hollywood always puts a serious black man in charge of whitey as a way to somehow rectify slavery.

Brad is the standard noble, altruistic, resourceful, tough under pressure, independent, hero who loves his family…..zzzz… ZZZZZ…..Oh, sorry, I dozed off from boredom writing about Brad’s character. Brad jet sets around the world searching for the elusive origin of the infection. He ends up at the World Health Organization in England.

Brad, his One Each Spousal Unit and The Kids loot a store

Brad, not the trained WHO scientists with PhDs who have been studying the zombies 24 hours a day, notices that zombies don’t eat people suffering from fatal diseases.  World Health Inspector Brad injects himself with an unidentified microbe and walks unharmed right through a crowd of biters to prove his theory.  This means that people can camouflage themselves from the zombies.

Brad is miraculously cured of the “fatal” disease by the same incompetent, unobservant WHO scientists. This cure happens without Brad having to spend a moment looking sick or less than hunky. Brad is then reunited with One Each Spousal Unit Submissive Level 2 and The Kids. Movie over.

There are plenty of absurd moments. At one point when Brad and his team are trying to sneak past a mass of walkers, his clingy One Each Wife calls to see if he’s okay. Here he is on this dangerous mission, surrounded by the undead, trying to go unnoticed as a survival tactic and who is calling? The wife. The phone ringing alerts the zombies who then slaughter everyone but Brad and the pilot. Brad not only doesn’t say, “What the fuck you doing calling me now? Jesus, you’re going to get us all killed!” He doesn’t even mention the incident to her. A normal husband would have screamed at her afterwards, “How many times have I’ve told you to not call me at work, you stupid bitch! You got my entire team massacred!”

Yeah, this cost $200 million

Most of the characters in this film are so two-dimensional that cardboard cutouts could have been moved around the set in place of actors. That would have saved the producers on salaries and Kraft services, and they needed to save money. This film cost a whopping $200 million. I gotta wonder where the money went. Do CGI zombies cost a $1,000,000 apiece to create?

My conclusion:  World War Z is a steaming pile of “S”.

Start The New Year With Gwyneth Paltrow And Explosive Diarrhea

“I am who I am. I can’t pretend to be somebody who  makes $25,000 a year.” (She’s an Oscar winning actress, but it’s too much for her to not act like a pretentious, completely oblivious idiot.)

Actress Gwyneth Paltrow has her own website called “Goop”. She refers to it as “an eminent lifestyle publication, dedicated to informing and positively inspiring its audience.” Its purpose is to help you “save time, simplify and feel inspired” through her ridiculous suggestions about stuff you can’t possibly afford.

Here are Goop’s Categories of Interest:


Be, Do, Make, Shit.

Gwen likes to start the new year shitting out her guts with a detox program called “The Goop Cleanse.” She personally developed this using her extensive knowledge of all things goop poop. For $425 you can blow your colon out along with her. Or you can do it for FREE by eating at any Furr’s Cafeteria.

She admits “an obsession” for $250 Turkish towels, which she suggests we buy as gifts for our hostesses when we swing by The Hamptons. Newsflash Gwen:  Most people don’t know what “The Hamptons” is, let alone know a single person who lives there. And most of us—when we go over to someone’s house—we bring a six-pack.

chia pudding
Chia Pudding

Gwen’s latest breakfast fad is a chia seed pudding. This is what Gwen recommends as a healthy meal: a bowl of the gelatinous muck with half a cup of algae water heated to precisely 98.6F. Starving people in the Sudan would refuse to eat this crap.

Below are recent pics of Gwen when she was in Dubai pushing perfume at a store in a mall. (She doesn’t mention that sordid detail on Goop because money is so icky to her.) She vaguely claimed to be there “working.”

But here’s what Gwen had to say about Reese Witherspoon earning money.

“Even actresses that you really admire, like Reese, you think, ‘Another romantic comedy?’ You see her in something like ‘Walk the Line’ and think, ‘God, you’re so great!’ And then you think, ‘Why is she doing these stupid romantic comedies?’ But of course, it’s for money….”

What Gwen does share about her Dubai trip is how she stayed in some penthouse suite that’s so expensive and luxurious, only Tom Cruise has “showered in it” before her. Imagine, their mutually exclusive pubs clogging the drain together forever.

“I love being. There’s so much wisdom in it. You wake up in the morning and you think, Hey, isn’t it great just being?” (Yeah, it’s great just being rich and famous and clueless.)
This is the result of cupping. It’s supposed to draw out toxins. It doesn’t.

Gwen even has Goop Apps that will guide you to her fav places in cities like London. After your hot yoga class,  you can check the Goop app for the nearest smoothie shop. As soon as you’re done leisurely sipping a  seaweed smoothie, you can find an upscale spa to get your cupping therapy session. No need to miss out on your important activities just because you’re away from your, you know, main main home.

It’s pretty clear that Gwen has “detoxed” her effing brains out.

“When I pass a flowering zucchini plant in a garden, my heart skips a beat.”
What Gwen meant to say: “When I pass gas in a garden, my heart skips a beat.”

This Week’s Most Horrifying Things Seen on the Internet

Dental Mannequin3I think I should start featuring the most horrifying things I’ve seen on the Internet each week. This first item is weird and creepy, but hey, why have  calendar of boring, hot babes in bikinis when you can have this? It’s a calender of dental mannequins dressed in clothes and put in normal situations. And you can share the creepiness! You can purchase it for family and friends this Holiday season.
dental hideous

You can order a calendar for yourself from Practicon’s Facebook page.







Butt implant
Laugh now, but some day this “look” will be considered very sexy

Butt Implants have struck again. In case you’ve missed this story, this is a photo of a woman who has her silicone butt implants in backwards. Apparently, butt implants that are placed incorrectly can flip causing Suction Cup Ass. It’s reminiscent of one of the alien creatures in Star Trek.

The good news is, she can stick herself to the side of any building and just hang there, or even better if she’s using the bathroom on an airplane and turbulence hits, her Suction Cup Ass will adhere to the toilet seat where she will remain safely and firmly stuck.


Penis Worm
That’s its official scientific name:  Penis Wormus


A Cock Worm. Enough said.










China Holds a Masturbat-a-thon

A Chinese sex toy company sponsored China’s first official Wank-a-thon. 

Wearing masks, the contestants discretely covered their man junk with orange buckets. For some reason, they used a round-eye blow up doll for “inspiration.”

To see more pictures from the exciting event and read all about it, go here.

It looks like they’re holding the blow up doll prisoner


China's Wank-a-thon
What is Hitler doing there?














Chinese wank-a-thon
What a bunch of jerks
The problem with masturbating to a Chinese blow up doll is that half an hour later, you’re horny again
















I need to go scrub my eyes with Tilex.

Gift Ideas For The People You Loathe 2012

Yes, it’s that time of year again. Time to buy gifts for those you couldn’t care less about. Maybe you’re the Secret Santa for a drunken uncle or back-stabbing co-worker. Show them just how much you don’t care with one of these lovely gifts.

1)  Anything from – Etsy is a website where people sell their amazing crappy homemade or “vintage” junk. Most items found on the website are bizarre and tacky. (Although it’s a great place to look for costume stuff.) The number one homemade thing for sale seems to be vagina oriented, like custom painted sanitary pads and vagina puppets, necklaces and pillows. Here is a lovely purse made from roadkill.

Those brown spots are its nipples. It’s a whole raccoon

Check out these other Etsy items.

crocheted vadge
Standard item on Etsy: the crocheted vagina
vagina bottle holder
Yes, that’s a crocheted vagina bottle holder guaranteed to get a male fired from his job for sexual harassment 
Wonderous vulva puppet
This is a “Wonderous Vulva Puppet.” Note roses coming out of the vadge, like they do in real life
Iphone docking station
This is a “Dual Iphone  Docking Station” otherwise known as a block of wood found lying around
Painted sanitary pads
Homemade reusable sanitary pads that look pre-worn
Zombie Joseph, Mary and Baby Jesus
Baby Jesus Squid (I have no idea what this is about)
twig pencils
Decorative “White Twig Faux Pencils”
This is a “Non-violent Wild Silk  Bracelet” otherwise known as a ratty piece of ribbon

2)  Get the person you loathe something that sends a message 

3)  Nothing says I hate you more than giving something awful to wear, like the Ponchillo. It’s a fugly pancho made with a pillow in the hood. You can give your unloved one the warm embrace of fabric made in China that is highly flammable and laced with heavy metals, toxins, pesticides and possibly nuclear waste. Liver cancer here we come.

No one looks alpha in a Ponchillo

4)  Anything made with a 3D printer. This one is great for making it seem like you care when you can’t be obvious you don’t. It’s the latest thing:  printers that can print out 3 dimensional items. (You create a 3D image on a computer and send the image to the printer, where the object is created in layers.)

This is a perfect gift choice for the unloved. It’s new, unique, and the beauty is most of the stuff made from 3D printers is absolute garbage, like this X-mas ornament that looks like it was manufactured in China for less than $.25.

X-mas ornament
Oh, yeah, this is just gorgeous and what a bargain for $30
Earrings of a head
These are 3d printed earrings of  a poorly wrapped Mummy head

5)  An Unvalidated Gift Card – This is where you take a gift card off the shelf, but don’t Story_GFCA_102812_HERO_C_insideactually pay for it, or put any money on it.  Since 75% of all gift cards are never used, odds are that your unloved one will never know you didn’t get them a thing.  The bonus happens if your unloved one goes to use the gift card, like say in a restaurant, only to discover he or she has to pay. Just make sure you aren’t with them at the time.

So there it is, plenty of gift ideas for those you truly loathe.

Happy Holidays!

“Diz and Lick” – My Review of Lindsay Lohan’s Comeback Movie

Lindsay stars as Cleo-FAT-ra. The black actor behind her looks like he wants to crawl under the chaise lounge

Dick and Liz aka Diz and Lick, starring Lindsay Lohan premiered Sunday. It is the story of the tumultuous love affair between Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton. They were both married when they met and fell in love during the filming of Cleopatra in 1963

Diz and Lick has plenty of screaming, pouting, sighing, boozing, bad acting, and ridiculous lines. Liz asks Dick about their relationship, “Tell me, will this pass? Because it doesn’t feel that it will.” (Not a very romantic thing to say. She makes it sound as if she’s in dire need of Correctol laxative.)

LiLo doesn’t seem much like Liz despite a super padded chest, troweled on makeup, horrid wigs and a faux double chin—at least, I think it was fake, but maybe that’s Linds’ real chin now. At times she looks more like Liza Minnelli or Joan Collins from the 80s tv show Vaginisty.

Lindsay Lohan as Joan Collins

Grant Bowler plays Richard Burton, and stays in character by appearing to be three sheets to the wind through the entire movie, just like Dick would have been. He has the only good lines, “Go away, you harridan!” (Now that’s a word we don’t hear often enough.)

The movie starts out with Dick as a dying old man looking back over his life.  Then in an odd choice from the director, the story-telling switches. Liz and Dick are in their prime sitting  in some sort of alternate universe where everything is black. From this unknown place—Purgatory? Hell?—they both reminisce together. Hilarity ensues. At one point Liz pensively thinks back about how much she misses Dick since he died, and he is sitting right next to her. 

The film is supposed to show us this epic love the couple had, but it’s a lot of hurling of insults, jewelry buying, door slamming, glass throwing and fake suiciding. I was embarrassed for them as they scurried frantically from trailer to trailer because they just couldn’t bump uglies fast enough. Were they really that immature?

This movie is good for only one thing:  a drinking game. Only don’t take a drink every time they do, you’ll die of alcohol poisoning.

So the big question is whether this movie will bring Lindsay’s movie career back. I don’t think so. John Belushi was a better Liz Taylor. Who could forget his classic portrayal of Liz choking on a greasy chicken bone on Saturday Night Live?

John Belushi as Liz Taylor on SNL


Nothing Brings Out Your Cheekbones Like A Horrendous Disaster

“Does this smashed car make my butt look fat?”

New York City resident Nana Gouvea took full advantage of Sandy’s wreckage by sexily posing amidst downed trees, destroyed cars, and wrecked buildings.

Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking how could she do this when people have died in this hurricane; people have lost everything they own in this world. People are without power, water, and are forced to dumpster dive for food. They need help desperately. Shouldn’t she be passing out blankets or something? Don’t be ridiculous.

Nothing signals it’s time for a photo shoot more than a disaster.

A quick look through history and we find that this isn’t Nana’s first disaster. She’s a seasoned professional disaster model.

Nana at the sinking of the Titanic
Nana atop the exploding Hindenburg
Nana bravely carries on during Britney Spear’s disastrous comeback performance
Nana maintains her composure while victims of the infamous Andes Mountain crash consume the other passengers
Nana takes time out to strike a pose during the chaos of Pearl Harbor
Nana at an embarassing disaster
Nana has to rely on her keen modeling instincts to know whether or not to put her hands on her hips while posing in a river of raw sewage caused by a tsunami
This disaster in the Hudson river could have been much worse had it not been for Nana’s heroic modeling efforts
Whether it’s a nuclear explosion, raging fire, or a president getting his head blown off, Nana knows it’s important to maintain focus and hold that pose
Nana gets photobombed by refugees
Nana brightens up the otherwise dreary Chernobyl landscape
A good model knows whether to stand or sit in the life boat

The Chinese Invent a Robotic Vagina, Hilarity Ensues

The Chinese have done it again. This time they have invented what they delicately call a hands-free “sperm extractor.”  The entirely automated robot vagina can be adjusted for speed, frequency, amplitude and temperature, depending on individual user preference.

It has a small screen on the top which plays “helpful” XXX films complete with headphones to help with the “extraction process.”

It is currently in use at sperm donation clinics. The creators of  RoboVadge claim that the realistically colored neon pink and grey tube gives “a very comfortable feeling.” It helps patients who have a hard time ejaculating the old-fashioned way with a dirty magazine and their hand. It retails for $2800.

When you’ve been using it too much a friendly message pops up on the screen that reads: “Sorry, I have a headache tonight.” (I made that up.)

Finally, something made in China that people are going to want to buy.

See it in action here. Note the Chinese women giggling in the background:

The Coolest Homemade Zombie Costumes

Who can forget the delightful Half Woman in the grass?

If you’re a horror fan or a zombie fan and you haven’t been watching The Walking Dead, you have been missing out. This is a tv series about a group of people left alive when the rest of the world has gone zombie. There are twists, surprises, plenty of gore, and you never know who’s going to get eaten next. The special effects zombie make-up is amazing, and the show makes you think about what you would do if you were in a situation like that.

If you don’t get the AMC channel, you can buy the first three seasons used on Amazon. Buy the first season here for only $14.50. You can even resell it on Amazon to get most of your money back.

The universal symbol for RUN!

I was looking for Halloween costume ideas and discovered these zombie costumes. There are some really creative people out there—I’m just not one of them.

Baby Zombie

Dismembered hands are often just tossed away and never used, but they can make great finger foods for zombie infants and toddlers.










Zombie Librarian
Isn’t motherhood beautiful?
She can easily hide those inconvenient rotting holes by wearing a one-piece with swim skirt
Victoria’s Secret, eat your heart out
Even when you’re the undead, it’s important that your hair be well groomed
Nothing a little foundation can’t cover up
This is the result of working at a McDonald’s
This is the result of eating McDonald’s “food”
The couple that eats brains together, stays together
This is what’s going to happen to Lori on The Walking Dead

Make your own IWound using your Ipad or a cell phone:


Read How to Find Mr. Right in the Zombie Apocalypse here.


Read How to Live in the Zombie Apocalypse here.

You’ve Been Unceremoniously Dumped. Should You Go Psycho?

You’ve been seeing each other for a few months, maybe years. You’re in a committed relationship and you think things are going great. You receive a text from him, “I’ve met someone else. I want to get my things out of your place asap.”


He’s met someone else?? It’s over?! How can that be? Your thoughts race as you try to figure out who she is, try to think back  for signs this was coming.

Your heart pounds as you text him back, thinking it has to be a joke. He doesn’t respond. You try calling, only to get his voicemail. You send dozens of texts, and call dozens of times. No response.

You reach him the next day, and he explains coldly, “This isn’t working for me.” You cry and demand an explanation, demand to know who she is. He hangs up in the middle of one of your tear soaked tirades. You fill his voicemail with ever increasingly angry messages, and send a flood of  expletive laden texts.

Stop it.

The guy just dumped you. Accept it with some shred of dignity.

Did he owe you more than to break up with a text? Did he owe you some kind of detailed verbal exchange about your relationship after everything you have meant to each other? Sure. But…

Men would rather eat shards of broken glass then tell a woman it’s over in actual words.

A man wants a clean getaway, so let him have it. Why?

You can’t force someone to love you.

One of the biggest mistakes I’ve watched my girlfriends make is their inability to let go of a man. They have literally wasted years of their lives on dead or toxic relationships. They have hung in there, trying to “work things out” or gone back and forth, staying emotionally invested with men who didn’t want them. Then, after wasting all this time, effort and emotion, they discover one day the man is marrying someone else.

It’s okay if a man wants to end things. For some reason, women have gotten this bizarre idea that a man is a total a**hole if he wants to end their relationship. He isn’t. He’s human.

Don’t get angry with someone for rejecting you.

I can hear it now:  “But, Carolina, we were together for years! He can’t do this to me!!!”

Yes, he can. Just because someone was involved with you for “x” amount of time doesn’t mean he is a now an indentured boyfriend, stuck with you in a life sentence.

Here is what I did when someone broke up with me:  Nothing.

I didn’t go psycho. I didn’t call everyone he knew to boo-hoo about him. I didn’t hold it against him and plot his downfall. I had no problem with it. Why? Because it’s okay for a man to want to end things with me, for whatever reason.

Work on adopting this philosophy. Train yourself to accept being rejected gracefully. Learn to be able to let go emotionally, regardless of how much time or emotions you’ve invested. (If you have a problem with that, get counseling.) In the long run it will be in your best interest.

I mean, seriously, do you really want a collection of restraining orders?

*This advice also applies to men

Your Crazy Cat Lady Online Dating Profile Deserves Five ScoopFree Cat Litter Boxes

Each week I am going to review a woman’s online dating profile for her potential to end up a Crazy Cat Lady. I will evaluate how desirable a man might find her to be, how likely a man is to want to get to know her based solely on what she wrote. What these women write speaks volumes about how much they know about men. And a woman who doesn’t know men is not going to attract a decent man or keep one. She will end up a Cat Lady.

No other factor will be considered, including her looks. Although looks are something men take into consideration.

I will award each profile the number of ScoopFree Cat Litter Boxes the woman will be needing in her Crazy Cat Lady house.

One ScoopFree – There are warning signs she does not know men, but she says things that a man might find desirable, like “I love to cook.” A decent man might respond to her. (Creeps will respond to any female profile.)

Two ScoopFrees – She shows definite signs of cluelessness about men, and writes things like, “I’m a princess,” or “I don’t need a man.” If she isn’t overweight and fairly attractive, decent men might respond.

ThreeScoopFrees – She is heading straight into a ManFree zone with her “all about me” profile. She has misused the opportunity to sell herself and instead has listed her dream requirements for a man. This woman has serious trouble finding a man and/or keeping a man.

FourScoopFrees – Her profile is so bad she is going to end up manless unless an intervention is done with a dating coach, a psychologist, and she studies a lot of relationship books about what men like.

FiveScoopFrees – A foregone conclusion of her entry into The Crazy Cat Lady Club. At this high a level, she could be a supermodel and men aren’t going to want to have anything to do with her.

Let’s begin with this lady’s online dating profile. I call her “The Queen.”

“I could write some lame profile saying everything the typical male wants to hear. Or I could be honest and say…. I am a female; which means I am as close to absolute perfection as you can get. With that being said, I expect more than most people settle for. I DO expect to be treated like the Queen I was in my previous life and consider myself to be now.

I have a twisted, sarcastic sense of humor that is not appreciated or even understood by most. If you get my sense of humor, you might be someone I would be interested in. I have a Top Ten list of traits I look for, and a sense of humor is one of them; now you just have to knock out the other nine!! That list is available upon request.

You need to actually put some effort into keeping me entertained. I don’t find hiking ten miles to be entertaining, unless of course you’re going to fall on your butt and roll backwards down a hill. Otherwise, I would consider this to be some demented form of torture. I am not a survivalist or a sports star. I am a woman in the most feminine sense of the word. I do not like insects or any other type of slimy creature. I can be overly emotional given the right atmosphere. So choose your activities wisely.

I have been told I am a “self involved” person; it’s not my fault the world revolves around me.

In all seriousness I am generally considered to be easy going and easy to talk to; and those who know me understand my sense of humor, style and overall attitude.

I have a son that is legally considered to be an “adult”. However there are moments that I definitely have my doubts. This leaves me the freedom to come and go as I please, as long as work permits. I am content going out and letting loose, staying home watching a movie or reading a book. It just depends on the company, the movie and the book.

Please DO NOT respond if you fall into any of the following categories……

Dishonesty/Faithful…. there go 90% of all men
Physical (lack of: grooming, style etc.)…… another 5% eliminated
Irresponsibility…. another 3% gone
Over sensitive (clingy)…. another 1% shot down.

That leaves 1% of men that might fill my expectations for my Top Ten list.”

Review:  She thinks she’s the reincarnation of a Queen and that the world revolves around her. (Why is it a woman in a previous life was never a lowly serving wench?) In-between bowing and scraping, a man must keep her entertained like a court jester.

She makes it be known that she has Top Ten List of traits her man must possess and then thinks there’s a man out there who is going to request to see it. A man is going to stumble across her profile, read what a demanding diva she is—how he needs to keep Her Majesty entertained while keeping bugs at bay—yet, he’s going to request her list of requirements to see if he is lucky enough to qualify.  She is as delusional as she is egomaniacal.

A man reading her profile is going to think one thing:  “Psycho!”

Rating:  Five ScoopFree Cat Litter Boxes. These boxes are going to be working overtime to keep up with her growing cat collection.

“ScoopFree:  For all Your ManFree Homes”

Read the original Crazy Cat Lady post here.

Whore Pills are Causing You to Act Slatterningly and Are Turning Men Gay

The inadvertently hilarious video “You Deserve to Know the Truth: Contraception” warns of the dangers of birth control pills. According to the video, “contracepting” is the leading cause of sluttery and gayness. (Contracepting is their made-up word they must have thought sounded more sophisticated than “birth controlling.”)

Here is their reasoning behind this:

“Contracepting makes men not interested in having sex with women.” –Because the hormones in The Pill interfere with natural pheromones, men don’t find women sexually attractive. (This must be why no one is having sex anymore.)

“Contracepting confuses men.”  — When men have no fertile females around to mate with, they end up turning homo. Backing up this claim, is a “study” done in the 1970s that found male chimps turned gay if the females in their zoo enclosure were given The Chimp Pill.

(The study failed to note that homosexuality was also observed when the females were not given The Pill, because homosexuality is normally found in nature. Also not mentioned in the study was the chimps’ propensity for peeing in each other’s mouths and their tendency to pluck hairs from around their assholes and eat them.)

“Contracepting women degrade themselves through immodest dress and action in an attempt to attract men who are confused from a lack of fertile women.” — Since all men are turned off by the huge number of women on The Pill, this causes females to have to try extra hard to get them in the sack. The females are dressing immodestly with short skirts, fake eyelashes and clear heels. They are acting immodestly by taking cell phone pics of themselves scantily dressed and posting them on Facebook. Even worse, the little whores are banging whoever.

This huss is dressing and acting immodestly. This disturbing scene wouldn’t be happening if she wasn’t surrounded by sluts on The Pill

“If you had a valuable racehorse, because of its worth, you’d want it to have as many offspring as possible. But the value of a horse is nothing compared to the value of each and every human.”  — A comparison between horses and woman is completely appropriate here. Women are livestock who should be producing kids valuable foals as fast as they can. (Note: a horse isn’t worth near as a much as each and every human, unless of course, it’s a Triple Crown Winner.)

“There is no overpopulation problem on this planet.” – According to the video, the entire population of the earth could “fit comfortably” in the state of Texas. Texas would be a “functional megacity” with everyone living in their own ‘lil 900 sq feet of space. (That sounds so comfortable. It’s like the episode of Star Trek where the people on this one planet were wedged in like sardines and having to stand up all the time.)

“Birth control pills cause adultery, divorce, abortion, homosexuality, sexually transmitted diseases, promiscuity, and bestiality.”

—insert record scratch sound here—

Wait? What? The Pill causes bestiality? That’s right. Men are so confused by the hordes of infertile, non-pregnant women around them, they are turning to their dogs for sex. Can you blame them?

Here is the video: