Five Ways To Avoid Being “Catfished” While Online Dating

Catfish are a serious problem in online dating. Catfish are people who pretend to be someone they are not online. They create false IDs in order to pursue deceptive online romances. They can string people on for years and apparently, have no remorse for their actions.

Getting catfished is such a common problem that filmmaker Nev Schulman made a documentary called Catfish about his own experiences getting duped by a girl he met on Facebook. In the film, he goes on a journey to meet his gorgeous online love in real life. Of course, Nev discovers she wasn’t what she presented herself to be. Not even close. If you haven’t seen the film, I recommend it. It’s a great cautionary tale with a shocking ending.

There is also Nev’s series Catfish: TV Show on MTV. Each week he features a different person and the online love interest they haven’t met in person. Nev tracks down the mystery online love and arranges a meeting. There is always an interesting twist.

This is who Nev thought he was sexting
This is who Nev was really sexting









Another riveting documentary about being catfished is TalHotBlonde: Everybody Lies Online. This is about an online love triangle that ends horribly in murder.

Here’s how to avoid getting catfished:

1)   First, stop automatically trusting everyone and what they tell you. I talk about the dangers of being trusting here. It isn’t a virtue to trust, it’s just plain stupid.

2)   Get real about Twitter, blogging, chat room, gaming and Facebook “friends.”  If you haven’t met someone outside the Internet, you haven’t actually met. Stop thinking of online people as “friends” when, in reality, they are barely acquaintances.

A friend is someone who will get up in the middle of the night to bail your ass out of jail.

3)    Be suspicious of everything your new online “friend” tells you.

  • Google their name.
  • Check up on what they claim. If they say their twin sisters died in a car crash, Google their names and look for their obit.
  • Have your online friend send you a photo of themselves holding a card with your name and the date on it.
  • Run a Google Image Search to see where else “their” photos turn up.

Then don’t be in denial when you find out information that doesn’t jive with what they’ve told you. Realize you’ve been lied to, and cut the phony person off immediately.

4)    Pay attention to Red Flags. A huge red flag is when your online friend doesn’t ever want to meet in person. There’s a reason why they always have an excuse:

a)  They are not who they say they are
b)  They are married/living with someone
c)  Or they don’t think you would like them if you two met in real life. In which case, you should trust their judgment. They know themselves far better than you do.

5)   Catfish tend to tell outrageous lies maybe because they are online. They figure, why not lie big? Their lies are a dead give-a-way. For instance, a catfish will claim to be a model, work for a major tv show, have cancer, be in car crashes and be constantly traveling all over the world. Red flag here. No one has all these things happening to them.

Using this advice you can avoid the dreaded bottom-feeding catfish.

UPDATE 1/17/2013:  Notre Dame football player  Manti Te’o  recently admitted to being catfished by a “girlfriend” he dated for three years who claimed to be dying—and later died of leukemia. Turns out she never existed.

Okay, we obviously need to define what “dating” is.

Dating is when you actually go somewhere with somebody in person. You can’t date through instant messages, Facebook comments, and texts.

And We Have a Four ScoopFree Cat Litter Box Winner Here!

This week, my ScoopFree Cat Litter Box review is of a blog post. In case you’re new to this, each week I review a truly awful online dating profile or a Man Wish List. I then award it with the number of ScoopFree Litter boxes from 1-5 that the potential Crazy Cat Lady will be needing in her ManFree future.

She decided that after flocks of men on OKCupid overwhelmed her with their desire for her “boobies” she would try a different approach.

I’m not sure how many of you are aware but ……is single again and on the prowl.

I’m taking applications.

Now Hiring at …… Incorporated!

Position to be filled: Boyfriend

Position vacated: August 13, 2012


Day job (not as boyfriend, husband or gigolo)

Car (2009 or newer)

House (no roommates, kids don’t count)

Children OK but no psycho ex-wives

Adventure seeking, vodka drinking, affable and outgoing

Handsome (in my opinion)

Brains (mmmm, yummy, brains)

A sense of humor (if you can’t laugh at life, I have no use for you)

Please submit resume along with a photo and drink invitation (you are buying, buddy), to apply for a face to face interview. VEGANS NEED NOT APPLY! Anyone under the age of 33, I do not need to hear how age is just a number and you are so mature and don’t get along with women your age. I know damn well why you are cougar hunting and I just have to say, if I’m the cougar, I get to choose my prey.

Review:  This is a single woman with kids.

Now she may be joking with this whole application thing, but it doesn’t come across like that when she insists the applicant has to buy her drinks while she mulls over during their “interview” whether he’s good enough for the “job.”

This application is not romantic or enticing. She says she doesn’t want a gigolo, but what does she think she’s asking for with an application for the position of boyfriend?

Any man who would respond to this “application” is going to be suspect, a con artist, or some real creeper. 

Rating:  This deserves Four ScoopFree Cat Litter Boxes. The only reason she didn’t give a Five rating is because she can cook. There might be one decent man out there who would consider her because of that. Men love a woman who cooks.

To see the entire Litter Box rating system and read the first ScoopFree Cat Litter Box review go here.

No Man Reached Up a Woman’s Skirt Searching for a Library Card

There are a lot of ladies who would love to have this guy

Since I started reading women’s online dating profiles, I  realize women are clueless about men. I’ve blogged about what men don’t want. This time I’m discussing what they do want.

When you are trying to meet men through online dating, you need to sell yourself, not list your impossible-to-meet requirements. Think about it this way:  dating is a competition, and the competition is fierce for the great guys out thereIf you want one of them, you’re going to have to work at it.

If you have a bad dating profile or bad attitude, you will be weeding in losers, because decent guys will run the other direction.

There are also a couple women who would love to have this loser, because no matter how gross a man is, there is some woman who wants him
  • Men like women who want them. Men aren’t challenged by your icy demeanor. They don’t want to be Friendzoned. They want a woman who finds them desirable.

    I remember how one billionaire met his wife.  He was a nerd, never married, hadn’t made his fortune yet.  He found himself awkwardly standing around at a party, unsure of what to do next. Then he saw a woman sitting alone gazing out the window. He got up the courage to approach her, and nervously muttered, “Hi”. She turned to look at him, and with the most brilliant smile, she said enthusiastically, “Hi!’  That warm response won his heart. They have been married now for over twenty years.

  • Men are old-fashioned. Although there was a sexual revolution for women, men didn’t get the memo. Most men are not so liberal they want a woman who is promiscuous.  Men aren’t threatened by your sexual experience, they are disgusted by it. Yes, it’s a double standard.
  • Men want feminine, soft women. If they wanted strong, independent, competitive, challenging, argumentative, hard-headed, stubborn partners, they could just hang out with their guy friends.
  • Know how to take care of a man. This means know how to pamper a man, make him feel cared for, desired, comfortable, masculine, nurtured. This means he is your #1 priority.
  • Men want you to share your problems and girlie interests with someone else. Men don’t want to be your counselor. They don’t want to help you “heal,” or “balance” you.
  • Do your homework. Research what men want or don’t want. For instance, most men don’t care about a woman’s education. Mentioning your degrees on your profile does nothing for a man. As Joan Rivers put it, “No man reached up a woman’s skirt searching for a library card.” How do you do research men? Read some manosphere blogs. Read books by men about men.
He isn’t thinking how hot her thoughts are
  • Men are very visual. Physical appearance is important. You don’t have to be a supermodel, but you should keep yourself in shape and have a feminine hairstyle. Sexy clothing helps. Put it this way: men are not masturbating to images of your mind. Give him something to work with.
  • Men are sexual.
  • Men like their space. Once you have a man’s interest, don’t bombard him with cutsie text messages or phone calls. You don’t have to be his Siamese twin. Let him have time to miss you. A man falls in love with a woman in the space she’s not there.If you insist all this isn’t fair—that is sounds too 1950s—and you aren’t going to cater to any man—fine. Then don’t complain when you find yourself manless surrounded by half empty bags of cat litter.

*This is mostly meant for what not to say in an online dating profile, In other words, if you are strong and independent, don’t say that. Give a man a chance to get to know you before you turn him off.


To read the original “You’re Going to End Up A Crazy Cat Lady” post go here.

Whore Pills are Causing You to Act Slatterningly and Are Turning Men Gay

The inadvertently hilarious video “You Deserve to Know the Truth: Contraception” warns of the dangers of birth control pills. According to the video, “contracepting” is the leading cause of sluttery and gayness. (Contracepting is their made-up word they must have thought sounded more sophisticated than “birth controlling.”)

Here is their reasoning behind this:

“Contracepting makes men not interested in having sex with women.” –Because the hormones in The Pill interfere with natural pheromones, men don’t find women sexually attractive. (This must be why no one is having sex anymore.)

“Contracepting confuses men.”  — When men have no fertile females around to mate with, they end up turning homo. Backing up this claim, is a “study” done in the 1970s that found male chimps turned gay if the females in their zoo enclosure were given The Chimp Pill.

(The study failed to note that homosexuality was also observed when the females were not given The Pill, because homosexuality is normally found in nature. Also not mentioned in the study was the chimps’ propensity for peeing in each other’s mouths and their tendency to pluck hairs from around their assholes and eat them.)

“Contracepting women degrade themselves through immodest dress and action in an attempt to attract men who are confused from a lack of fertile women.” — Since all men are turned off by the huge number of women on The Pill, this causes females to have to try extra hard to get them in the sack. The females are dressing immodestly with short skirts, fake eyelashes and clear heels. They are acting immodestly by taking cell phone pics of themselves scantily dressed and posting them on Facebook. Even worse, the little whores are banging whoever.

This huss is dressing and acting immodestly. This disturbing scene wouldn’t be happening if she wasn’t surrounded by sluts on The Pill

“If you had a valuable racehorse, because of its worth, you’d want it to have as many offspring as possible. But the value of a horse is nothing compared to the value of each and every human.”  — A comparison between horses and woman is completely appropriate here. Women are livestock who should be producing kids valuable foals as fast as they can. (Note: a horse isn’t worth near as a much as each and every human, unless of course, it’s a Triple Crown Winner.)

“There is no overpopulation problem on this planet.” – According to the video, the entire population of the earth could “fit comfortably” in the state of Texas. Texas would be a “functional megacity” with everyone living in their own ‘lil 900 sq feet of space. (That sounds so comfortable. It’s like the episode of Star Trek where the people on this one planet were wedged in like sardines and having to stand up all the time.)

“Birth control pills cause adultery, divorce, abortion, homosexuality, sexually transmitted diseases, promiscuity, and bestiality.”

—insert record scratch sound here—

Wait? What? The Pill causes bestiality? That’s right. Men are so confused by the hordes of infertile, non-pregnant women around them, they are turning to their dogs for sex. Can you blame them?

Here is the video:

The Man Translator: What He’s Really Thinking

Men and women think so differently it’s no wonder we have constant miscommunication. We truly speak a different language. What’s needed is some kind of translator, like Google has for foreign languages, so I’ve created The Man Translator. It takes what a woman says and translates it to what he hears her saying with his man ears. And what he hears you saying, ladies, isn’t what you meant.

What You Say:                                      What He Hears:                                                                    

“I don’t need a man.”                               “I don’t need or want you.

“I’m a princess.”                                       “I’m a high maintenance, royal pain in the ass.”

“I’m strong and independent.”                “I’m domineering and controlling.”

“I’m a challenge.”                                      “I’m a nightmare.”

“I’m competitive.”                                     “We’re going to be fighting all the time.”

“I’m a brat.”                                                “I’m really immature.”

“I like to party.”                                           “I’m a slut.”

“I’m hard to handle.”                                  “The cops have to be called on me all the time.”

“My ex and I are just friends.”                   “My ex is still in the picture and wants me back.”

When you put a man in the dreaded Friendzone, don’t do it with the idea that some time down the road you’re going to be a couple. Men don’t like being Friendzoned and put on the back burner.

When you say, “Let’s just be friends.”

He hears: “I don’t find you attractive enough to have sex with, but I want you around to cry on your shoulder over other dudes I do bang who have mistreated me. In exchange for your strictly platonic devotion, we can gossip about shit I’m into, but you aren’t.”

blah blah blah blah blah

One of my girlfriends feels compelled to tell men on the first date how badly other men have treated her. She goes into painful detail. She tells the new man how he is going to have to work “extra hard” to win her over because she doesn’t trust, blah, blah. She thinks she’s communicating to him about her heartache, and that he needs to have patience and do all the pursuing.

But this is what a man thinks when she shares all this:  “What’s wrong with her?” 

Maybe seeing these translations will help keep some of you ladies from writing an awful online profile that turns men off.

Your Crazy Cat Lady Lists for Mr. Right Are Beyond Stupid, Here’s Why

I blogged awhile back about this woman who put her requirements for Mr. Right on her blog. She called it her “Non-Negotiable List”. I called her the Crazy Cat Lady. Her perfect man list is so insane she isn’t going to find a man who fits it, and she is going to end up a Crazy Cat Lady surrounded by hairballs and cat litter boxes.

Let’s revisit the list to examine why it’s so bad, and I will explain why she’s never going to find a man who fits it. Never.

  • Honesty/Integrity/Loyalty/Sincerity/Values/Priorities, no flirting with other women allowed
  • Confident/Secure
  • Ambition/Dreams/Goals
  • Respectful
  • Non-abusive
  • Sense of humor
  • Responsible/Dependable

The first ones are okay, but the “no flirting” command is controlling and reeks of insecurity. 

Now we’re starting to get into some trouble with these next “non-negotiables.”

  • Best Friend/Confidant – Your man can sort of be a best friend, but he doesn’t want to hear about your new Louboutin shoes or the latest thick-lash mascara. That’s what your girlfriends are for. Female characteristic.
  • Self-awareness – Don’t know why this is here because if he’s conscious, he’s going to be self-aware.
  • Humility – knows/accepts when he’s done or said something wrong and can apologize (no excuses, but rather reasons) – Are you wanting a man or a puppy dog? 
  • Chemistry/Passion/Intensity/Sexual Compatibility – Compatibility doesn’t just work one way. This would mean YOU staying in shape, wearing sexy lingerie, watching porn and agreeing to threesomes. 
  • Enjoys snuggling/kissing/PDA – Grown men are not all that into PDA and snuggling. They tend to want sex, and view such actions as foreplay. Female characteristic.
  • Non-procrastinator (terminal) – If you expect a man to never procrastinate, you don’t get to, either.
  • Social/Work/Hobbies/Alone Time – Men are good at spending time alone, but something tells me you would bitch if he spent too much alone time.
  • Financial stability – Of course, he has to be financial stable, even if you aren’t.
  • Work Ethic –  Are you going to be a work horse, too, or is it all on him?
This doesn’t actually exist, like the man who would fit this list

Now the wish list is entering what I call The Rainbow Unicorn Fantasy Zone of Unreality.

  • Must be good to me and FOR me (as well as for my children…i.e. role model) – Why should a man, who isn’t the father of your children, have to be a role model? Isn’t that their bio dad’s job?
  • E.Q.- The ability to correctly assess the emotions and oneself and those with whom one interacts – Female characteristic.
  • Empathetic – Female characteristic.
  • Conversation/Communication skills – Men’s brains are not wired for verbal communication. Female characteristic.
  • Shares all household responsibilities (cooking/cleaning/bills etc) – And the man also has to fix the flat tires, change the oil, mow the law, or will you be sharing those responsibilities?
  • Vulnerable – Female characteristic.
  • Compassionate – Although men can be compassionate, they don’t express it like women. I’m assuming you want to see him cry watching “Terms of Endearment.” Female characteristic.
  • Willingness to grow – Most men are not into “feel-good” new age philosophies about “personal growth”. Female characteristic.
  • Enriching/Challenging/Nurturing – So a man has to be challenging, while simultaneously nurturing? Two of these are female characteristics.
  • And maybe even more….    – More?! You want even more from this poor schmuck? 

This wish list for a man is describing an incredible superhuman with amazing qualities, half of which are female.

If this man existed, he would be a woman.

I’m not a fan of these wish lists, but if you have to make one, at least make it with qualities that men actually possess.

Better yet, don’t make one at all. Don’t have any expectations or requirements other than Mr. Right be employed and not be a drug addict or serial killer.

Keep in mind, this is your future if you don’t get real about men:




Read the original “You’re Going to End Up A Crazy Cat Lady” post here.

Your Ridiculously Bad Online Profile Will Ensure You Stay Single Forever

I started reading women’s online profiles from dating websites after discovering male bloggers were mercilessly mocking them. I wanted to see for myself just how bad these profiles were. I wasn’t disappointed; they were terrible.

If I was a man, I wouldn’t date any of you ladies.

You all clearly have no clue about men.

Ladies, this is some of what you need to do to improve your online profiles:

“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”

1)  Stop quoting famous sluts, like Marilyn Monroe.  This quote of hers is on many profiles, and I don’t understand why since it makes you sound psycho. And how successful was Marilyn with men? She wasn’t.

Don’t quote anyone. The guys looking at your profile are not interested in reading what someone else had to say; they want to know what you have to say.

And a quick note about Marilyn:  Although we love MM madly, guys don’t. To hetero guys she’s just an old dead actress.

2)  Stop describing yourself as “spoiled” or “I’m a brat” like it’s a good thing. You’re trying to attract a man, not a play date friend. Men are looking for a partner, not a babysitting job.

3)  Almost every woman says “family and friends are important to me.” It’s overused to the point it’s become a meaningless platitude. Say something that doesn’t sound canned.

4)  Stop boasting, “I’m awesome!” or “fantastic”  or  “I am not only good I am The BEST !!” without any explanation was to what you’re so good at. An online dating profile is not the place for self-affirmation.

5)  Don’t put your wish list for Mr. Perfect in your profile. Men aren’t interested in what you want them to do for you, they are interested in what you can do for them. 

good sense of humor
easy-going & open-minded
positive outlook in life
reliable & responsible
resourceful & handy
genuinely passionate
caring & considerate
generous & supportive
brings me peace and balances me
a true gentleman

This list probably seems reasonable to most women. It’s not, but that’s a discussion for another time. For one thing, it’s not a man’s job to “balance” and “bring you peace.” That’s on you.

Let’s look at some excerpts from actual online profiles that would make a man think “‘next” and quickly hit the search button:

“I would say I’m that girl most guys wanna have but no one knows how to keep. I’m hard headed, strong minded and to independent for my own good, an asshole at times.”
Men don’t want to butt heads with your strong, independent, egotistical asshole self. If you’re all that, why are you on a online dating website trying to get total strangers to ask you out?

“I am very passionate, opinionated and I tend to speak my mind.”
 — This screams, “I love to argue!”  When a man reads this, he thinks he’s going to be fighting with you constantly over your passionate opinions. Exhausting.

“I’m competitive.”
— I was amazed at how many times I saw this phrase in a profile. Men don’t want to compete with you; they have other men to do that with. Women are supposed to be partners with men, part of a team, not competitors.

Remember, when you’re writing a dating profile:  you’re trying to attract a man, not make him sprint the opposite direction in horror. Think about what you’re saying.

Read my post here on How to Attract a Man.

Read the You’re Going to End Up A Crazy Cat Lady post here.

“The Week The Women Went” Makes Men Look Like Frickin’ Idiots

Here the women are happily leaving for their vacay

The TV show The Week The Women Went” premiered last night. Called a “groundbreaking social experiment,” it’s a reality show where all the women are taken out of a town to leave the men to fend for themselves. The women were whisked away on a train to a luxurious spa resort for a much needed vacation.

The show was worse than I thought. It was set-up to make men look like buffoons. I expected that. What I didn’t expect was the continual negative digs at men throughout the program.

The narrator, traitor Jeff Foxworthy, said at the beginning, “Most people think the men are gonna be doomed.” Then later on reiterated how bad things could get without women, “Many think that leaving businesses and children in the hands of men will lead to disaster.”

Really? ‘Cause as I’ve pointed out in previous blog posts, men have been doing without women for centuries in the military.

Before they left, the women made strong comments like, “This is going to be like Katrina,” and “This town is going to go to sh*t!”

These men are discussing how scary it is when the washing machine gets off balance

The men made wimpy comments like, “It’s going to be dangerous,” “I’m terrified,” and “A washing machine is an intimidating machine!” Come on. Are men really that low on testosterone nowadays?

During a church service a pastor said to one of the husbands, “You married way out of your class, Richard. You better appreciate her.”

For some reason it’s okay to poke fun at men like that, as if it’s understood any man has married way above him. Can you imagine if this were said publicly to a woman, “Elizabeth, you married way out of your league. You better appreciate him.” That would be considered shocking and rude.

Without men, nothing in this picture would be possible

Not mentioned on the show was how the women were at a spa resort designed by men, built by men, maintained by men and the electricity running the place was provided by MEN.  (Also not mentioned, the train that took the women to said resort was designed, built, maintained and operated by men. Even the aluminum the train was built with was mined by men. )

This portrayal of men as incompetent, bumbling fools who don’t contribute anything but sperm needs to stop right now. I don’t know how the pendulum swung so far in the opposite direction, but it needs to do some swinging back to reality.

Let’s see a TV show where the men are taken out of a town. I want to see how long women would last with garbage piling up, the power lines down, water mains bursting to flood streets, rats crawling everywhere, etc.

Read my blog on taking the “We Don’t Need Any Men In Our Town” challenge here.

A Sexual Contract

Men in our society seem to have a fear of being accused of rape. Maybe they should be afraid. Case in point: the Duke LaCrosse players who were falsely charged with rape by a stripper/hooker they hired to entertain at one of their parties.

Some people have come up with the idea that a sexual contract between couples would be a good idea. (Although it’s not legally binding.) I can just see it now, the two attorneys hashing over the details:

Her female attorney:   “My client wants to amend paragraph B, subsection 4 as it pertains to performing fellatio. She only wants to place 1.25″ of the penis into her mouth at any given time regardless of overall penile size. She also reserves the right to engage in the Hand-Over-Hand Blow Job Evasive Maneuver #1. Furthermore, my client stresses that she will not be swallowing under any circumstance, this to include any pre-ejaculation that might surreptitiously occur. If this is acceptable to your client, we can proceed.”

His male attorney:  “My client agrees to the amendment only if his tongue doesn’t have to penetrate any deeper than 1.25″ of her vaginal area during cunninlingus. This to include labia majora, minor and the vaginal vault itself. Aforementioned vaginal area must be free of hair via a Brazilian wax. My client will allow for a landing strip. In addition, my client reserves the right to use the wet finger, lip smacking sound method of Imitation Pussy Eating. If this is acceptable to your client, we can proceed to the anal penetration section.”

The future of sex


Here is a Sex Contract for the woman someone else wrote. Find it here if you want to print it out.

Sexual Contract for a Woman
Consent to mouth-to-mouth kissing
Yes No
If yes, what kind:
closed mouth kissing open-mouthed kissing with lips open-mouthed kissing with tongue light biting/nibbling heavy biting/nibbling
Consent to being kissed on the face and neck
Yes No
If yes:
will not hold the kisser responsible for hickies
Consent to being touched or fondled
Yes No
Consent to being touched on the breast
outside of clothes: Inside of clothes
Consent to being touched on the buttocks (not including anal penetration)
outside of clothes: inside of clothes
Consent to being touched in the vaginal area (not including vaginal penetration)
outside of clothes: inside of clothes
Oral-Genital, Oral-Anal Contact
Consent to receive oral sex 
Yes No
If performing fellatio:
consent to allow ejaculation in my mouth
Consent to receive oral sex performed on my anus 
Yes No
Genital-to-Genital Contact
Agree to genital-to-genital contact, not including penetration (outercourse)
Yes No
If yes:
require the use of a condom
Vaginal penetration
Agree to vaginal penetration by fingers
Yes No
If yes:
1 fingers 2 fingers 3 fingers 4 fingers full fisting
Agree to vaginal penetration by sex toys
Yes No
If yes, which kind:
dildo vibrator
Agree to vaginal penetration by a penis
Yes No
If yes:
require the use of a condom
I require a prescription from a licensed physician before using Viagra or Levitra during sex
agree to allow ejaculation within the vagina
Anal penetration
Consent to anal penetration by fingers
Yes No
If yes:
1 fingers 2 fingers 3 fingers 4 fingers full fisting
Consent to anal penetration sex toys
Yes No
If yes, which kind:
dildos vibrators butt plugs
Consent to anal penetration by a penis
Yes No
If yes:
require the use of a condom
agree to allow ejaculation within the anus
Have or had in the past the following STDs (sexually transmitted diseases): Check all that apply:
herpes syphilis gonorrhea genital or anal warts chlamydia HIV/AIDS hepatitis yeast infection
If I become infected:
will not hold the partner responsible for any disease or condition acquired during the sex act
Birth Control
I will use the following form(s) of birth control:
diaphragm cervical cap IUD spermicidal jelly/foam sponge birth control pill am sterile
Required: I am 18 years of age or older and possess the intellectual and emotional maturity required to consent to sex.

I consent to the sex acts listed above of my own free will. I have not been coerced into signing this document or agreeing to these terms.

I have also not been paid any money, or expect to receive any form of remuneration now or in the future, for performing these sex acts.

I am not intoxicated with drugs or alcohol, my judgment is in no way impaired and I offer full and informed consent to these sex acts.

I acknowledge that this contract is for informational purposes only and may not be enforceable. I agree to review this contract with a licensed attorney in my locality before using it.

If You’re Over 45—And Want A Man—You’re Going to Have to do Certain Things, Whether You Like it Or Not

The recent “Crazy Cat Lady” blogger got me thinking. (She’s the one who wrote the insanely ridiculous “non-negotiable list” for her next man. My post on that is here.) I guess women have no idea what the reality is for a woman over 45 years old in the dating world. It’s time for a reality check.

Women who are over  45 years old are not a hot commodity.

Men can have any age woman they want—especially successful ones—and they prefer 20-somethings. Rather than have a list of requirements for him, an older woman is going to have to be the accommodating one. Yes, I know that’s not fair.

This means that as an older woman, you’re going to have to work hard to attract a man.  

Let’s start with the basics:

1)   Get real – Accept that the competition is younger, funner and more sexually vibrant than you are, and you need to go the extra mile to make up for this

This is your competition right here

2)   Weight – Lose it. Men are not attracted to women who look like they could be linebackers for the Miami Dolpins

3)    Hair – Style it. Don’t just chop it off in some non-style and let it air dry. Get a  style. Also men like flowing, longer hair. Get hair extensions. Color your greys

4)   Dress – Be sexy. Work what assets you have. Wear high heels, show some cleavage, show some leg. If you can’t wear high heels, just don’t wear comfy shoes a 90 yr old would. Don’t wear sweat pants unless you got them from Victoria’s Secret. Buy sexy lingerie.

5)   Baggage – Lose it. Men don’t want to hear about how badly your exes treated you, and how you’re going to have a hard time trusting again

6)   Sex – Learn to like it because men love it. They are with us for sex. If your man likes to watch porn, watch it with him instead of giving him grief when you discover his stash of XXX DVDs under the bed

7)   Cook – Men love to eat homemade cooking. Learn to make delicious cakes, icing, cookies, and all kinds of yummy dishes. Most men are not vegans; they don’t want to eat tofu burgers. They want Angus.

8)    Be quiet – One of the main complaints men have about women is that we yammer too much. Let him get a word in edgewise

9)    Men are visual – Put effort into your physical appearance. Work out. Get Botox, fillers, facials and anti-cellulite treatments. Take advantage of the high tech anti-aging stuff out there. Here’s a great book that advises about the latest beauty stuff out there and cheaper alternatives to plastic surgery

10)   Always remember that women need men more than they need us

Now you can dig your heels in and declare that you aren’t going to do any of these things. You are going to be who you are—by God—and a man can just accept you.

That’s fine.

This is what a man free house and yard looks like

Prepare to die a lonely, bitter old woman, surrounded by hair balls with your house falling apart around you.

See my blog that started this discussion here.

See the hilarious male equivalent of the Crazy Cat Lady list here. 

My Open Letter to the “Crazy Cat Lady” Blogger

I recently wrote a post called “You are Going To End Up a Crazy Cat Lady!” in response to a ridiculous  list of requirements a woman blogger had for her next man.

Absent from Stormlover’s “non-negotiable” list was the most important thing:  that he be attracted to her.

Stormlover commented that lots of people made fun of her insane list, but I was the harshest. That ticked me off. I wasn’t being harsh.

Now I’m going to be harsh.



Dear Stormlover:

There isn’t a huge demand in the dating world for 45+ menopausal women. Men aren’t lining up waiting for a chance to date aging, dried-up, bitter women who have emotional baggage from all their previous bad marriages/boyfriends.

Your competition is giggling, firm-assed 18 year olds with zero baggage.

That means if you want a man at your age, you’re going to have to work at it. You, not him.

Here’s what you should put on your blog if you want to attract men. Otherwise, start stocking up on the catnip.

This is catnip

“Hi, my name is Storm. I am looking for a man to share my life with, and I have a lot to offer. I know men; I know what you want. I know how to take care of a man.

1)   I love to cook. While you’re grilling the steaks, I’ll be battering the onion rings, and icing the homemade chocolate cake

2)   I love sex. I like to dress sexy to show off my lush curves, and want you to pick out my lingerie :)

3)   I don’t need your money. I can take care of myself financially

4)   I don’t nag

5)   I realize you need alone time, and I have plenty of things I can do without you

6)   I keep a clean, comfortable home filled with big, soft furniture that you can sink into and relax. I want you to feel pampered

7)   I don’t need you to solve all my life’s problems. I have friends and a therapist I can unload on if I need to

8)   I am very nurturing

9)   I listen as much as I talk

10) I enjoy life and love to laugh

I look forward to speaking with you.



Once Stormlover has men expressing an interest in her, she can then apply a couple of her non-negotiables. In other words, she must first find men who are attracted to her, and from that pool she can pick ones who might be a good match.

And Stormlover:  you’re welcome.

To all you readers out there who defended her list: Which one of the two lists has half a snowball’s chance in hell of resulting in her in actually getting a man, mine or hers?


See my original “You’re Going to End up A Crazy Cat Lady!” blog here.

See the hilarious male equivalent of the Crazy Cat Lady list here.

I’m a Dude and This is What I Want in a Perfect Bitch

Recently, Kanye West wrote a love song for Kim K called “Perfect Bitch” so I asked a male friend to come up with a list of qualities his ideal woman should possess. He used, as a base, the exact list from the female blogger I mocked in my “You’re Going to End Up a Crazy Cat Lady!” blog. I thought her list of requirements for a man was beyond ridiculous, but others thought it was “reasonable.”

Let’s see how her “non-negotiable list” sounds coming from a man. (Her original list is in bold face. What he wants in a woman is written after that.)


  1. Honesty/Integrity/Loyalty/Sincerity/Values/Priorities – I would prefer a virgin, but it’s okay as long as she hasn’t spread herself around too much. Sluts need not apply. (And I don’t like tramp stamps, ladies.) I am to be her priority, of course.
  2. Best Friend/Confidant – She needs to keep her big mouth shut and not blab everything to her girlfriends or the gay guy doing her her hair.
  3. Confident/Secure – I don’t want to have to give her compliments every five seconds or lie and tell her I don’t want to bang any other women.
  4. Self-awareness – A lizard has self-awareness, why is this on the list?
  5. Humility – She needs to know/accepts when she’s done or said something wrong and apologize
  6. Responsible/Dependable – She needs to accept responsibility and take care of things and not expect me to do everything because I’m the man.
  7. Chemistry/Passion/Intensity/Sexual Compatibility–  She needs to have a perfect body, Nice tits, nice ass. And be horny for me all the time. She needs to engage in lesbian sex while I watch. Also she needs to change her hair color often. I don’t always want to be boning a brunette.
  8. Respectful – She needs to know when to shut up when I am tired of hearing her little stories. She should quickly back out of the room when I give her “the look” that I’m bored with her.
  9. Non-procrastinator – She immediately needs to jump when I tell her I want something, whether it be to bring me a beer or get me another pillow. I don’t want her late for things, either. No excuses, like she had to do her hair.
  10. Must be good for me – This goes without saying.
  11. Enjoys snuggling/kissing/PDA – She needs to give head often and engage in threesomes. I also don’t want her embarrassing me in public with displays of PDA.
  12. Social/Work/Hobbies/Alone Time – I don’t want to spend time with her family. And she needs to accept I need alone time. Leave me alone so I can jerk off in peace.
  13. E.Q. – the ability to correctly assess the emotions and oneself and those with whom one interacts – She needs this in order to read my mind so she doesn’t get on my nerves by babbling about topics I’m not interested in, like fashion, her family or celebrity gossip.
  14. Conversation/Communication skills – She needs to stop trying to communicate so much. I want quiet, especially when the game is on. See #13
  15. Shares all household responsibilities – In addition to the household chores, she should change the oil in the car, be able to overhaul the engine, clean out  gutters, repair the roof, trim hedges, that sort of thing.
  16. Ambition/Dreams/Goals – She needs to do whatever she can to help me achieve my goals. I don’t care what hers are. I don’t want to deal with some woman’s pipe dream of being a “singer” some day.
  17. Non-abusive – That means no throwing vases and slamming doors when she’s angry.
  18. Vulnerable – I want her to be less vulnerable. I don’t want to have to deal with tears. Stop crying so much.
  19. Compassionate – Goes without saying
  20. Empathetic – See #13
  21. Willingness to grow – This is psycho babble. I don’t even know what this means.
  22. Boundaries – She needs to respect my boundaries, like when I want to go out with my guy friends without her.
  23. Work Ethic – She should work at a full-time job like I do.
  24. Enriching/Challenging/Nurturing – I don’t want her “challenging” me. I don’t need that from a woman. Nurturing goes without saying.
  25. Sense of humor – It’s okay for her to have sense of humor unless she brays like donkey. And no raunchy jokes or jokes about sex, unless we’re in private.
  26. Financial stability – Stop spending so much of my money, especially on shoes. I don’t give a rat’s ass about fancy shoes.
  27. And maybe even more….I would also like her to go to that Geisha school in Japan. No, I don’t want her wearing all that clown makeup or playing that stupid little instrument. I want her to learn how to please me.

Now, readers, how does this list sound coming from a man?

He sounds like a male chauvenist. Why is it those of you who found The Cat Lady list to be reasonable, think when a man demands the same things, he’s a pig?

Admit it, you think he’s a pig.

Because when you look at this list from a man’s point of view it is patently absurd. But, hey it’s her list.

To see the Crazy Cat Lady Blog go here.