My Life’s Most Hilarious Moment, Courtesy of My Mother

There’s a moment in my life that really sticks with me. No matter how many times I relive it, it always makes me laugh.

I was a teen and flying to meet up with relatives in Hawaii. My parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins were all waiting for my arrival at the Maui airport. They were standing with dozens of other people outside the doors of the airport.

The stairs were similar to this only taller, and on a platform with wheels

Island to island flights are on smaller prop planes and they roll a treacherous metal outdoor stairway up to the plane to let the passengers exit.  It was extremely windy. As I gingerly stepped onto the stairs in my heels, the wind caught my skirt. I had never been to Hawaii before, and didn’t know a flowing skirt wouldn’t be a good choice.

I frantically grabbed at my skirt to keep from exposing myself to everyone and thanked God I wasn’t going commando. The wind was blowing my long hair in my face making it hard to see where I was stepping. The stairs were steep, slick, narrow and not sturdy. I struggled to keep myself from slipping onto the pavement and breaking my front teeth out, while keeping my skirt from blowing over my head.

In the middle of this tricky descent, I heard my mother scream at me at the top of her lungs like a crazed fan, “ISN’T SHE GORGEOUS??!!!!”

Recognizing that voice, I froze in mid-step and, mortified, stared through hair strands in her general direction. A hush fell over the crowd waiting on the tarmac, as all eyes turned toward the plane. People then glanced at each other in thrilled disbelief, ”Oh, my God, someone famous has arrived! Right here!”

A buzz of excitement washed over the group as their excitement grew. Their eyes quickly scanned the area. They looked again toward the stairs, their eyes looking right..…past me as they wondered, ”WHERE?! WHERE IS SHE?!”

I can still see their excited expressions turn to slight bewilderment as they tried to figure out where the Sports Illustrated supermodel went. I laugh my ass off when I remember this.

Not a future supermodel

My Mother: A Perfect Example of A Ridiculous Feminist

Mother’s poster was similar to this

My mother got an artsy poster depicting a fish riding a bike with the quote by feminist leader Gloria Steinem: “A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.”

She put it in the hallway. When I asked her what was up with it, she smirked. Here’s why I asked:

My mother never worked a day in her life, thanks to my dad.

She never had to drag herself out of bed day after day to go to a job she hated. She never had to worry about where the money would come from to pay bills. She was never stressed with fear of pleasing a boss, getting along with co-workers or possibly losing her job. All that was on my dad.

And aside from his full-time job, my father was responsible for all the “man” work (translation: grungy and unpleasant) including repairing cars, fixing the roof, yard work, carpentry, plumbing, etc. My mother is, and always has been, completely dependent on my father for absolutely everything.

One day my mother decided she didn’t want to drive any more. She didn’t flunk the driving test. She didn’t have a disability. She just wanted to be chauffeured around by my dad. She wanted to be delivered to your doorstep like a present.

Somehow burning bras in the “Freedom Trash Can” became a symbol of the fight against men’s repression of women, but men never forced us to wear bras. In fact, men would prefer it if we all were free-boobin’

It’s on one of those chauffeur driven trips that mother found the fish on a bike poster and evidently thought, “Oh, this is for me. Who needs a man? I sure don’t. I guess I’m a feminist!”

My problem with her getting that poster—isn’t so much the slogan and her inability to see that it doesn’t apply to her—is that it’s a slap in the face to my dad.

Where’s the gratitude for all that my father has done for her? How about getting a poster that says, “I owe everything to my husband”?

My mother takes my father for granted like he exists only to serve her needs, while erroneously believing she can do without him.

That is modern day feminism. In a nutshell. My mother is a perfect example of a feminist. That is the root problem, her kind of thinking. This is what men have a right to be angry about.