Not A Safe Space

If You Find Yourself Being Smacked Around, It Is Your Own Fault

Dr. Phil is on a mission to keep women from being battered. His slogan is “End the Silence On Domestic Violence.”

But I recently watched him counsel a woman whose boyfriend, punched, choked, and kicked her. Dr. Phil told her she wasn’t to be blamed for the violence, nothing she said or did was wrong. She was a blameless victim. Really??

‘Cause, last time I checked, in order for someone to be able to punch, choke and kick you, you have to be physically near them.

So, Dr. Phil’s guest is hardly blameless. In fact, she’s fifty percent of the problem. She’s actively participating in the sick dynamic of their abusive relationship by continuing to be around him.

He can’t hit you if you’re not standing right in front of him

Sue Else, president of the National Network to End Domestic Violence, has six steps to protect yourself in an abusive relationship.

Here’s the most important step Ms. Else doesn’t mention:

Don’t ever be in the same room with him again 

I’ve watched my girlfriends over the years with their abusive men. Battered women have the lamest excuses for why they won’t leave a man. Here are some of my girlfriends’ excuses:

“But he’s normal some of the time.”

“I’m going to give him five years to straighten out.”

“If I dated someone else he would hit me, too.”

“He promised he wouldn’t do it again.”

“He needs my help. I’m helping him.”

“He was taking steroids for a cold.”

“I love him, damn it!”

What would end domestic violence?  Empowering women. Young girls need it drilled into their heads that if a guy physically assaults them ONCE, that’s it. Relationship over. No apology accepted. No second chance. Throw those red roses he brings with tears in his eyes directly into the trash can.

Young girls need to be taught that loving the guy isn’t enough; that the guy needs to love them in return.

Men don’t physically assault women they love 

Instead of calling women “victims” and proclaiming them “blameless,” women need to feel they can walk away from any man under any circumstances. We do this by teaching girls early on that they are emotionally strong, and don’t need a boyfriend or husband.

I’ve never understood how feminists claim women “can do anything a man can” like fly a jet fighter, run a huge corporation, or lead a nation, but yet women can’t leave men who beat them. They’re powerless.

Notice she’s isn’t kicking him from across the street

I can hear it now: “But domestic violence is much more complicated than you’re making it out to be. Women can’t just leave these abusive men.”

Ah, yeah, they can.

The only time it gets complicated is if the woman has allowed the violence to escalate to a point where her abuser feels entitled to kill her, as in the case of OJ Simpson. Then leaving is dangerous, but there are many opportunities to leave before he develops that sense of entitlement. There’s a lot of time between his first smack in the face and his thinking he has the right to kill her.

What makes me such an expert?

I have never been physically assaulted by a man.

Listening to the domestic violence excusers, like Dr. Phil, you’d think this was a rare and strange feat. How did I manage to date a lot, be married twice and not one man ever raised a hand to me in anger? (Since I’m just a potential victim with no control over what happens to me.) My men must have been saints or mild mannered, right? Wrong. I’ve dated some of the worst tempered, most aggressive men on the planet.

I have never been assaulted because I won’t tolerate a man smacking me around. Every man who’s spent more than two minutes with me knows if he touches me in anger—at the very least—he’s going to jail. I also have to add that I don’t hit men, either. I don’t slap, kick, punch or throw things at others.

Here is my slogan for ending domestic violence:

GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM HIM!

This isn’t the 1950s. In America we have a whole host of support services for battered women including shelters, child care, job training, free legal advice, etc. There’s no excuse for a woman putting up with domestic violence here.

 

UPDATE  8/16:  Rihanna was on Oprah’s show talking about Chris Brown, boo-hooing about how “he needs help”. There it is, a classic lame excuse battered women give. I suppose now she’s going to get back together with him so she can personally help him not punch her in the face again.

Ladies, the man who hits you doesn’t need any help:  you do—so you can stay the fuck away from him.

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Categorised in: Feminism, General Relationship Advice

34 Responses »

  1. I’ve been on the receiving end of DV , an ex girlfriend bit a chunk out of my left shoulder , she became ” ex ” the second I recovered composure…..instant dismissal !! Last year I was hit from behind across the back of the head by a stranger woman , with a stiletto heel , for no reason ( I suspect she mistook me for an ex ) I had to threaten violence to make her back off. Was also kicked by a snarling young ” woman” , my crime….holding a door open for her…WTF ??! Both genders are equally bad , men have the size & strength advantage , but have known of false DV allegations made against innocent male partners , this in turn , puts a lot of men off even dating women. No wonder so many people are cynical !!

  2. Many girls like getting hit and smacked around. They find it attractive while society condones it.
    There’ve been times where I went to work and didn’t want to deal with any bullshit from no one. So I pushed one aside, elbowed another out of my way, and even smacked a girl hard on her butt when she picked up my wallet as a joke.

    And guess what? They liked it. All 3 of them. So trying to tell many girls that getting hit once is enough won’t comply to them. Many of them get off on it.

    I persoanlly don’t want an abusive relationship in any form. I want a healthy one. But it seems as though the only way to even get one started is with a bad boy display of masculinity in some way.

    Nice guys end up last, after the girl has been battered around enough with the douchebags.

    • It does seem like nice guys finish last, sadly. I think women get addicted to the violence and chaos in an abusive relationship. They like it on some level.

      But not all women want to be smacked around. I have never had a man hit me and if one should….he’d find his ass in jail.

      • The sad reality is that many men find themselves in jail even without hitting the woman.

        • I don’t know if I think that’s so common, at least not in the U.S.

          But I will agree the man gets arrested whenever there is a fight, even if the woman is the aggressor. If she says the man hit her, he’s cuffed, and hauled off.

          • Now you’ve screwed yourself. The traditional response is that, yes, it happens all the time because feminists just like to hurt men any way they can.

            I think your should do some in depth research and find out just how easy it is to put a man in jail for assault.

  3. According to feminists and their supporters …

    Woman A meets a guy, guy later turns out to be a massive prick and he hits her.
    Woman B meets a guy who she knows is a massive prick with a record of violence … and he hits her.
    In their view Woman A is in exactly the same situation as Woman B. The fact that Woman B went into that relationship already knowing exactly what type of man he was and what was almost guaranteed to happen to her is completely irrelevant .. in no way is she responsible for her choices in any way shape or form and you’re a sexist misogynist pig for even daring to suggest that maybe it was a stupid idea to even think of dating him.

    The fact that DV campaigns still push the message that only men beat their partners is so wrong. There are studies which show that women are just as capable of violence, and also are more likely to use weapons – anything from boiling water to knives or guns. Plus there seem to be all kinds of stories of women cutting off penises (and women laughing about it, even on national TV). Any sick action by a man (such as the ones who throw acid) is rightly condemned (and I think that these men should get the same thing happening to them) – and no-one’s laughing about it on a talk show.

    Another thing that doesn’t get talked about – much is made of the fact that men are bigger and stronger, generally, than their partners. Women are portrayed as helpless victims when faced with that power difference and this is used to justify the use of weapons and drugs and even murder … but look at the amount of children who are beaten and abused by their mothers. The size/power difference is much bigger … but we don’t get the “all women are monsters” campaigns, PSAs etc. that we do about men.

    • Here’s something else that needs to be repeated: The first time a man hits a woman, she is a victim. The second time, a willing participant.

      • No, she is not ever a willing participant in a fight. Maybe unwilling participant would describe it. You are a woefully ignorant and uncompassionate person who causes trouble by spreading those words. People who are getting beat on don’t know how to stop it, they don’t understand the dynamic, they don’t know how to take care of themselves and sometimes they don’t even understand that there is another option. Don’t start up with your rants about their legal rights and everyone has the same opportunities and choices….Reality doesn’t work that way. Someone in their shoes is likely in a real bind and needs someone to take over for them sometimes. If they could sort out their life, they would. You with you little maxims- Don’t ever be in the same room with him again- they are drivel which has been repeated many times and if they solved the problem, I guess we wouldn’t have it anymore. You need some good books and maybe some real life experience. Sounds like you have been in a soap bubble too long. You don’t understand psychology nor the legal system.

        You might have noticed that I said “person”, not woman. That is because I know that woman can and are violent. They hurt their spouses and children. But everybody still has to take 100% responsibility for violent behaviour. Is it stupid to be around someone who might be violent? Yes! Is it your fault they hit you? No. Adults need to take responsibility for their own behaviour. What if someone hurt you and people said, “She brought it on herself by being in the public view and discussing controversial topics.” You want to take 50% of the responsibility if you refuse to hide and someone else from your fan club comes after you?”

  4. I think the point that is being missed here is that, once again, the Domestic Violence paradigm is being perceived as a male aggressor, female victim dynamic. While I applaud you for pointing out that a woman in an abusive relationship has a responsibility to keep herself safe, and if she keeps placing herself in situations that will cause her to come to harm, then she has to account for it, maintaining it as a message of female-only victimhood fails to address the reality of violent relationships.

    Domestic Violence is a far greater issue than simply an evil man beating a helpless woman, and I think this post doesn’t effectively express that.

  5. And the same applies if we reverse the gender. Heck – it applies if we reverse even one of the genders. If a woman you are out with decides it’s ok to just up and punch you in the arm, dump her immediately. This goes triple if she does it in order to try to get you to do something, or to agree with her on something. Don’t hesitate.

  6. This is an outstanding post and I hope I am teaching my daughters exactly what you have written. You don’t need a man to complete you or make you happy. And one slap or even the threat and get the hell out of there.

    Thanks for writing.

  7. This the same example I use to explain the hamster to women new to red-pill. And funny thing is…..they instantly understand.!

  8. You know I may be a lot of things, but a woman abuser I am not. I have never laid a hand on a female out of anger, nor have I raised my voice out of anger. Second I would never be with a female who has anger issues, I do not need that kind of drama.
    My lifestyle is Safe, Sane, and Consensual at all times. We as a couple knows where each of us stand.
    I want to to look at aneroidocean rebuttal, when I said a man should never hit a woman.WTF is wrong. If you have a woman who strikes you, out of anger put her out. If she hit’s you it does not give you the right to hit her back. I for one am not going to lose my concealed weapons permit for something that stupid.
    Aneroidocean said I was prejudice , really because I would not hit a female back, out of anger. Because a right does not make a wrong.
    If you choose that type of relationship, then live with it. If the anger issues come up later either put her out, or the male leaves.
    WTF has this country come to, I have never been with a female who has issues with anger, nor would I be, My Gf miya knows her place and we both have an agreement as adults….
    A woman should never be hit. Once a male gets something like that on his record he is finished done, and to lose my gun permit over something so stupid, give me a break.

  9. Thanks for slapping some sense into me.
    bbb

  10. bravo! there is never a reason to hit a woman or man, even if they’re hitting you. an abuser’s compulsion to abuse is deep and a woman can’t fix him so run like hell and never look back.

    • I wouldn’t entirely agree with this sentiment. There’s never any justification for initiating violence against another person, male or female, but if they’re attacking you, refusing to hit them back only encourages and allows them to continue. There are certain situations in which violence against another person is perfectly reasonable and justifiable.

  11. I dig this. Well expressed. And I agree with the idea that Dr. Phil is going about the campaign in a way that may not be best for those who follow him. Good post.

  12. Wow. Well said Carolina. I posted a link on my FB page.

  13. Even in my lifestyle I do not condone abuse towards women. Dr Phil is a poor example of a man trying to give a woman advice. He is a living pig. He cannot even control his own family,why would you take advice from him.
    There are no circumstances why a woman should hit hit, none. Even if she provoked the altercation, it does not matter.
    A man who beats his wife or girlfriend, should go to jail, and have to pay for any lost time at work , really anything. He should have to have a tattoo on his forehead. Stating he is a woman abuser . He should lose his rights to vote.

    Now your thinking Vile your one to talk, I am 49 years old and have never lifted a hand to a female, and never will. All my play is consensual for one. two its about being safe three and sane.

    Men who have mental problems, or an ego problem, or is disturbed about his manhood, those are the abusers.
    Anyway good topic wish it had been someone besides Dr Phil who would of never been anyone if not for Opra .

    • This is a great post Carolina. Your only comment so far by “thekinkyworldofvile” is a little Dr. Phil-ish itself:

      “There are no circumstances why a woman should hit hit, none. Even if she provoked the altercation, it does not matter.”

      There are plenty of circumstances where a woman should be hit. They are the same circumstances under which a man should be hit. As an example, if a woman is hurting another person, they should be able to defend themselves, whether they are a man or a woman. This is the kind of have your cake and eat it too feminism that revolts me.

      “A man who beats his wife or girlfriend, should go to jail, and have to pay for any lost time at work , really anything. He should have to have a tattoo on his forehead. Stating he is a woman abuser . He should lose his rights to vote.”

      A man who beats his wife or girlfriend should be punished, certainly, but he should pay for “anything?” He should have to have a tattoo on his forehead? What about men who beat other men or a woman who beats a man? Even if they go through counseling during/post prison and never touch another human being in violence ever again they should have to be branded like cattle?

      You’re funny.

      • If a man finds himself in an abusive relationship, then he should leave, just as the female, if a female starts to hit a male he should just walk away, but maybe not lets ask Nicole Simpson what she thinks about it.
        You take a female who stands 5ft weighs 100lbs, and her husband stands over 6ft 200lbs, even if she hit him he should walk away. What chance does she really have in a physical altercation.

        • The hugely offensive (to both men AND women) thing that you assume, is that it’s not okay for a man to hit a woman, period. There are MANY ways a 100 lb female could cause harm to a 200 lb male (or female).

          Or perhaps you think that women should be treated like delicate frail things that can’t possibly be responsible for their own actions, like a toddler or an insane person. If that’s the case, you are prejudiced, plain and simple. The worst kind of ignorance, male or female.

          “There is no reason to argue, you can have disagreements but argue nah.”

          Nobody said anything about arguing, that’s just a strawman…argument. Hilarious.

      • I have never been in a relationship with violence, or abuse. I have never even raised my voice towards a female, nor have I ever thought of hitting one.
        There is no reason to argue, you can have disagreements but argue nah.

      • I agree with you, Aneroid. There are circumstances when a woman should be hit, like in self-defense. I don’t think women should be smacking their partners around, either.

        I have never been hit by a man, but I also have never hit one.

    • I don’t take relationship advice from Dr. Phil, but millions of other people do. He has a huge campaign against domestic violence and is going about it all wrong.

Trackbacks

  1. Do Men Have a Right To Be Angry With Women? | Staked in the Heart
  2. “Hi, My Name Is Yunior Corbalan. I Beat Women” | Staked in the Heart

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