Today’s post is about a serious topic: domestic abuse. Dr. Phil is on a mission to keep women from being battered. His slogan is “End the Silence On Domestic Violence.”
But I recently watched him counsel a woman whose boyfriend, punched, choked, and kicked her. Dr. Phil told her she wasn’t to be blamed for the violence, nothing she said or did was wrong. She was a blameless victim. Really??
‘Cause, last time I checked, in order for someone to be able to punch, choke and kick you, you have to be physically near them.
So, Dr. Phil’s guest is hardly blameless. In fact, she’s fifty percent of the problem. She’s actively participating in the sick dynamic of their abusive relationship by continuing to be involved with him.
He can’t hit you if you’re not standing right in front of him
Sue Else, president of the National Network to End Domestic Violence, has six steps to protect yourself in an abusive relationship.
Here’s the most important step Ms. Else doesn’t bother to mention:
Don’t ever be in the same room with him again
I’ve watched my girlfriends over the years with their abusive men. Battered women have the lamest excuses for why they won’t leave a man. Here are some of my girlfriends’ excuses:
“But he’s normal some of the time.”
“I’m going to give him 5 years to straighten out.”
“If I dated someone else he would hit me, too.”
“He promised he wouldn’t do it again.”
“He needs my help. I’m helping him.”
“I love him, damn it!”
What would end domestic violence? Empowering women. Young girls need it drilled into their heads that if a guy physically assaults them ONCE, that’s it. Relationship over. No apology accepted. No second chance.
Young girls need to be taught that loving the guy isn’t enough; that the guy needs to love them in return.
Men don’t physically assault the women they love
Instead of calling women “victims” and proclaiming them “blameless,” women need to feel they can walk away from any man under any circumstances. We do this by teaching girls early on that they are strong, and don’t need a boyfriend or husband to complete them.
I can hear it now: “But Staked, domestic violence is much more complicated than you’re making it out to be. Women can’t just leave these abusive men.”
Ah, yeah, they can.
The only time it gets complicated is if the woman has allowed the violence to escalate to the point her abuser feels entitled to kill her, as in the case of OJ Simpson. Then leaving gets dangerous, but there are many opportunities to leave before he develops that sense of entitlement. There’s a lot of time between his first smack and his thinking it’s okay to kill.
What makes me such an expert?
I have never been physically assaulted by a man.
Listening to the domestic violence excusers, like Dr. Phil, you’d think this was a rare and strange feat. How did I manage to date a lot, be married twice and not one man ever raised a hand to me in anger? (Since I’m just a potential victim with no control over what happens to me.) My men must have been saints or mild mannered, right? Wrong. I’ve dated some of the worst tempered, most aggressive men.
I have never been assaulted because I won’t tolerate a man smacking me around. Every man who’s spent more than two minutes with me knows if he touches me in anger, at the very least, he’s going to jail. I also have to add that I don’t hit men, either. I don’t slap, kick, punch or throw things at other people.
Here is my slogan for ending domestic violence:
GET THE F**K AWAY FROM HIM!
This isn’t the 1950s. In America we have a whole host of support services for battered women including shelters, child care, job training, free legal advice, etc. There’s no excuse for a woman putting up with domestic violence here.
UPDATE 8/16: Rihanna was on Oprah’s show talking about Chris Brown, boo-hooing about how “he needs help”. There it is, a classic lame excuse battered women give for abusers. I suppose now she’s going to get back together with him so she can personally help him.
Ladies, the man who hits you doesn’t need any help: you do, so you stay the f**k away from him.