Not A Safe Space

Face it! He’s Giving Off Clues He’s Just Not That Into You

A few years ago, Sex and the City writer, Greg Behrendt wrote a brilliant book called “He’s Just Not That Into You” to help women figure out what was going on with men.

Greg got the idea to write a book after he wrote that line for the show. When the female cast and crew heard the line, it shocked them with its blunt honesty. He realized women don’t get men, so he wrote a book to help us out.

In the show, the group are at a bar with Miranda happily recalling the details of her last date. She then asks Carrie’s boyfriend if her date was going to call and ask her out again. The boyfriend replied, “I’m not going to sugar coat it for you. He’s just not that into you.”  Stunned, the girls argue with him until he explains how he knows the man isn’t interested in Miranda. The boyfriend went on to say it’s simple to figure out what’s going on with a man. There are no mixed messages with men.

The concepts of Greg’s book still apply, but need updating.

He’s not that into you if:

1.   He doesn’t call/text or email   Yeah, there’s nothing going on between the two of you except what’s happening in your mind, even if he smiles at you when you run into him wherever.

2.   He calls/texts/emails, but never asks you out – Here’s where it gets confusing: why would he text/call if he wasn’t into you? Because it’s an ego boost. He likes your attention, but not necessarily you. Or he kind of likes you, but not that much.

3.   All he does is text you –  I call this having a “textual” relationship, where all you do is text each other. Texting is nothing, takes little effort, and it’s convenient because he can easily text you while he’s with her. (see #2 for why)

4.   He disappears for a long periods of time or you call and it goes instantly to voice mail – Either he’s been arrested, or he’s on vacay with her. If you ask why he hasn’t returned your calls, he’ll say he was “busy”. Even the President isn’t that busy. If you were important to him, he would call you back.

5.  When you call he answers with an unenthusiastic, “Oh…(pause)….hi” – This used to be an indicator of his lack of interest in the days before caller ID, when he would be caught off guard not knowing it was you before he answered. It still applies today.

If he doesn’t sound happy to hear from you—it’s because he isn’t.

6.   He has another woman or women – Oh, sure he’s given great sounding excuses as to why he “has” to have this other woman in his life, like: “She’s a psycho. I have to break up with her slowly,” or “My mother would kill me if I got divorced,” or the classic, “But you’re my main girlfriend.”

If he was into you, you’d be the only one.

Be suspicious of a man you’ve just started seeing who refers to you by a cutsie name like “sweetheart” or “honey”.  He has so many women he can’t keep your names straight.

7.   He only texts/calls and wants to see you after 10:00 pm – You’re a booty call.

8.   He stalks his ex on Facebook – He’s still hung-up on her, and would go back to her in ten seconds.

9.   He makes excuses why he can’t call/see/commit/marry you – Trust me, he’s not intimidated/rebounding/shy/busy/traveling/taking care of sick relatives/any excuse. Unless he’s in junior high, your man isn’t afraid of your job/position/beauty/education. He just isn’t that interested in you.

Finally, the most important clue. You can tell he isn’t that interested in you if:

10.  You don’t have to beat him off with a baseball bat – When a man wants you, he will pursue you, often relentlessly. It doesn’t matter what’s going on in his life, how busy he is, how much traveling he’s doing. He will make arrangments to fit you into his life.

If your man isn’t actively working to spend time with you, in person, then you need to realize he’s not that into you.

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Categorised in: General Relationship Advice, The Best of

18 Responses »

  1. Just came across your blog, good stuff I like it! Keep it up!

  2. I had to reblog this. Love your updated version.

  3. Haha! Good ones. But all you really need is #10. I’d like to think so at least. If he’s into you, he spends time with you. If he isn’t, he finds excuses to avoid you or drive you away. It’s really that simple. It’s the women who are impossible to figure out, what with all their “signals” and ulterior motives. You never know why she keeps calling you.

    • Marius, the reason she keeps calling is because she wants something.

      Now, what that is, may not be so easy to figure out. Could be she wants you as a “friend” because women think men want to be friends with us. Could be she wants you as a lover. Could be she’s trying to make some other dude jealous by keeping in touch with you. Could be she needs someone to fix her lawnmower. etc.

  4. Reblogged this on Unexpected Destinations and commented:
    Here is a great post by Carolina. I couldn’t agree more. Take heed ladies.

  5. I couldn’t agree more. Greg Behrendt was right. Especially #10. If a guy is interested in you, you will know it. There will be no guessing or uncertainty about it. When a guy says he is “busy” that’s the kiss of death. Time to move on. Thanks for the post.
    Ellen
    unexpecteddestinations.com

  6. When your stud turns dud here are all the signs to look for. love it.

  7. Love it! I have flipped through the original book and I think your additions are great. Isn’t it funny how true these statements are, but sometimes it takes reading them to have that “Well, duh!” moment. Essentially, it all boils down to the fact that guys are far less complicated than women.

  8. Reblogged this on The Truth About Dating and commented:
    Thumbs up Carolina! This is definitely worthy of sharing with my fans! We know clues but sometimes we have to be reminded. These are great tips to know when he’s not that into you!
    Truthseeker411

  9. Exactly how say it he’s just not into u!
    Nice written!

  10. I find it amusing that men are either so simple that they can be summarized in a brief list, or so complex that women feel they need to be summarized in a brief list. Whenever I read similar things about women I can’t help thinking that everyone is different and treating half the population of the world like the instructions to a piece of Ikea furniture is somehow selling them short…

    For myself, If I like someone I call them, but I usually get the feeling that calling or emailing too much is a turnoff to girls. I’m shy and sometimes it takes me a while to ask someone out. Also, I’d never ask a girlfriend to get me anything unless I was too sick to leave my bed, and even then only maybe!

  11. Bravo, Excellent! You really put it right out there for all the delusional souls who get the number but never really “GET THE NUMBER” Men arent hard to figure out all we really want is food and sex. If he’s not knocking down your door for BOTH and forgetting nights with the guys to spend with you, hes just not into you. I think this is an excellent post. It’s Not harsh but realistic.

    Women are far more mysterious then men and that can sometimes intimidate a guy from moving forward. Ladies let me give it to you from the males point of view. The more you try to impress the bigger the ego trip is. Sure he’ll hang around but if he starts asking you to make him a sandwich and get him a beer in front of HIS friends then you are simply a trophy in the “STUD” case of conquests

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  1. More on how he’s just not that into you | Love, Ashley
  2. The 1 Sure Way You Can Tell What He Really Feels About You – Staked in the Heart

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