Not A Safe Space

5 Ways Your Online Dating Profile Will Keep You Single Forever

I started reading women’s online profiles from dating websites after discovering male bloggers were mercilessly mocking them. I wanted to see for myself just how bad women’s profiles were. They were terrible.

If I was a man I wouldn’t date any of you ladies.

You all clearly have no clue about men.

Ladies, this is some of what you need to do to improve your online profiles:

“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”

1)  Stop quoting famous sluts, like Marilyn Monroe. This quote of hers (seen below her photo) is on many profiles. It makes you sound psycho. And just how successful was Marilyn with men?

She wasn’t.

She was divorced three times, having affairs with married men, and the rumor is one of them had her murdered to make her go away.

Don’t quote anyone. Guys looking at your profile are not interested in reading what someone else had to say; they want to know what you have to say.

And a quick note about Marilyn:  Although we love MM madly, guys don’t. To hetero guys she’s just an old, dead actress.

2)  Stop describing yourself as “spoiled” or “I’m a brat” like it’s a cute thing. You’re trying to attract an adult man, not a play date friend. Men are looking for a partner, not a babysitting job.

3)  Almost every woman says “family and friends are important to me.” It’s overused to the point it’s become a meaningless platitude. Say something that doesn’t sound canned.

4)  Stop boasting, “I’m awesome!” or “fantastic”  or  “I am not only good I am The BEST !!” without any explanation was to what you’re so good at. An online dating profile is not the place for self-affirmation. It’s a place to try to sell yourself to someone—a man—and make him want to meet/date you.

5)  Don’t put your wish list for Mr. Perfect in your profile. Men aren’t interested in what you want them to do for you, they are interested in what you can do for them. 

This is a standard “perfect man” wish list I’ve seen many times on dating profiles. He has to be:

attractive
good sense of humor
easy-going & open-minded
positive outlook in life
reliable & responsible
respectful
have a good job
resourceful & handy
honest/trustworthy
genuinely passionate
caring & considerate
generous & supportive
spiritual
brings me peace and balances me
a true gentleman

This list probably seems reasonable to most women. It’s not, but that’s a discussion for another time. For one thing, it’s not a man’s job to “balance” and “bring you peace.” That’s on you.

Let’s look at some excerpts from actual online profiles that would make a man think “‘next” and quickly hit the search button:

“I would say I’m that girl most guys wanna have but no one knows how to keep. I’m hard headed, strong minded and to independent for my own good, an asshole at times.”
Men don’t want to butt heads with your strong, independent, egotistical self. If you’re all that, why are you on a online dating website trying to get total strangers to ask you out?

“I am very passionate, opinionated and I tend to speak my mind.”
 — This screams, “I love to argue!”  When a man reads this, he thinks he’s going to be fighting with you constantly over your passionate opinions. Exhausting.

“I’m competitive.”
— I was amazed at how many times I saw this phrase in a profile. Men don’t want to compete with you; they have other men to do that with. Women are supposed to be partners with men, part of a team, not competitors.

Remember, when you’re writing a dating profile:  you’re trying to attract a man, not make him sprint the opposite direction in horror. Think about what you’re saying.

Read the You’re Going to End Up A Crazy Cat Lady post here.

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32 Responses »

  1. The conclusion some guys have reached is that these women are not on the dating sites to find a partner, they are simply writing some stuff that makes them feel good about themselves. There’s a word starting with ‘m’ that rhymes with “central station” that describes this.
    Or maybe it’s that weird feminine mysticism – making “requests to the universe” a-la “The Secret”. Someone needs to tell these children that The Universe doesn’t actually give a shit about any of us.

  2. I’m glad i started a revolution of sorts. Finding and shaming profiles of self-aggrandizing women without a clue.

    Perhaps someone should do a gender switch and pick out terrible pathetic male profiles and pick them apart. Tho i wonder what form that will take? Will it be the alpha dog profiles that get targeted or the overly supplicating beta ones?

    Curious minds want to know.

    • I’d be curious about this too. After dipping my toes in the water for a week, I’ve nearly written POF off as a waste of time. Maybe I’ll get bored and send out some more messages later this week, but it’s not something I go on with any expectations.

      Oh, I should say that I’m also targeting the 19-25 year old category of women, to be clear on why my expectations are low. I figure I can meet older, jaded hipsters at any bar in my part of Chicago, so why waste effort finding one online? Go big or go home.

      • I think in my advanced old age i can’t deal with the vapid pop fluff that the 19-25 demographic lives day in day out. it hurts my brain. most of them want they’re ego stroked and perhaps talk about Jersey Shore or 16 and Pregnant. I’d rather masturbate with a cheese grater.

        I’m going half-mentu with POF. I target single moms and the 25-35 crowd since i can ‘speak’ their language, and less dramatic. over 30 they start becoming more aware of the wall. so i’m putting all my online money on double zero so to speak.

        Coincidentally.. and much to the chagrin of HUS i imagine.. the majority of major convos i’ve had online…

        Married women.

        Let that one sink in.

        • “I’d rather masturbate with a cheese grater.” LMAO! You say the funniest things!!

          Do women really want to talk about Jersey Shore? What’s there to talk about?? (I’ve watched it so I have a clue what they do: Gym, tan, laundry, drink, throw up, fight, schmush).

          • hehe. i was just being facetious about the j.shore thing.

            truthfully i don’t know what they speak of really. i try and extrapolate from things i hear on patios from other young girls talking to each other. like how hot certain guys are in their vampire shows? how missy did this and this to chloe like OMG really? how there was this one time her hairdresser totally messed up her hair and she had to wear a hat for like a week?

            honestly i don’t know. what i do know is that not many give a crap about politics, world events, or anything meaningful in regards to the world happening around them. it’s all about ‘me me me’.. and it totally turns me off. it’s all about drinking and partying and whoooo just have a good time, YOLO (you only live once).

            YOLO leads to STD’s too.

            • Eh, if I was able to get one to actually step off her imagined pedestal (IE – get out of the gutter and off the carousel), I’ve always had a good time. Those age women…. Man, they like to experience things on a whole other level. If you can do that for them, they can make you come alive in some crazy ways. You’ll do stupid shit and you’ll love every moment of it. They’re horrible relationship material, but what age group isn’t a bad choice? So far I’ve had a couple land beasts message me without prompting, I’ve had a couple 30+ message me back, and I got that one 19 year old I posted to you. I’m convinced that as a 27 year old my target range on POF should be the 25-35 year old attractive women, with single moms on the younger end going to add to whether they’ll message me back or not. Not sure if that’s worth it. My gut recoils from single moms because my mind imagines that I’m playing Russian Roulette on the pregnancy issue, and I’m already paranoid enough about that shit.

              Meanwhile, at a bar or on the street I’ve been able to converse with women from 18-40 without ever getting a blow out and usually it’s me that gets bored and walks away. I almost always get a number, rarely get a kiss, once every few months a same night lay. I rarely bother even following up after the night if anything happens less than a lay. I have two numbers from shopping and errands today I’ll follow up cause they were cool, but I don’t expect anything.

            • To clarify, at the top of the post when I say “Those age women” I mean the 19-24 age range.

              Honestly, the sweet spot for a feminine woman that might be relationship material and inclined seems to be 22-26. Older than that and they get jaded or worship the carousel to a point where they acknowledge they’ll never settle down. Younger and they have claims of settling down, but the carousel beckons, and she ‘trips’ with her vagina falling right onto it.

  3. HAHAHAHA….I say be yourself; don’t sell yourself. If they are all those things then they should be honest. Why attracted men then later show them everything that will make them run. If she is an asshole; a man knows what he is getting into before answering her profile. What are you saying about man???? The only way we would be attracted to women if they show us their good quality!!!! With that being said “I agree” they should explain their descriptive more. If they are amazing or competitive tell me, why when how and where!!!!

  4. When I was doing online dating, about 10 years ago, I was stunned by the number of women who had those sorts of profiles. They said things like, “I expect to be treated like a queen,” and “I won’t compromise.” I mean, they may as well just call themselves Bitchy Gold-digging Shrews with that kind of attitude. They really made me want to bitch-smack them.

  5. We used to ‘stalk’ friends (male and female) on dating sites and laugh at their profiles… Ahhh the good old days…

  6. Well said. I’ve seen much the same thing on hundreds of profiles too. One girl actually wrote something like,”I’ve been single for 5 years and I’m not sure why. Friends tell me I’m picky, but I don’t know.” I thought,of course you know why. You’re fussy. Not exactly an attractive trait.

  7. Do you think they just thought it would come off as the “play hard to get” strategy, or make men think they were a challenge instead of simply a challenging person to be around?

  8. Mine worked a little too well and I got far too many messages and a lot of weirdos crossed my path… so I not longer have an online dating profile and I am a-ok with that! 😉

  9. ‘And a quick note about Marilyn: Although we love MM madly, guys don’t. To hetero guys she’s just an old dead actress.’

    Quoted for truth.

    A mentally unstable, slutty, vapid, dead (crappy) actress.

    But she’s pretty in black and white, so let’s idolize her.

    • Women LOVE Marilyn Monroe and it doesn’t occur to them that men don’t. Women (and men) have a hard time seeing things from the other gender’s perspective.

      And I do love MM, but you can add “drug-addled” to your list. Let’s be real.

      • Is it fair to say women mostly like the attention she received, rather than the woman herself?

        I prefer Marilyn Manson. He made better music, for a while.

  10. A little side note is that women don’t have to do much with online profiles to get attention from guys.

    Remember, we as men are the chasers. We’re the one who have to have the stunning profiles. A girl can just put up any old sloppy thing and get tons of messages.

Feel Free to Let Me Have It!

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