Not A Safe Space

You’ve Been Unceremoniously Dumped. Should You Go Psycho?

You’ve been seeing each other for a few months, maybe years. You’re in a committed relationship and you think things are going great. You receive a text from him, “I want to get my things out of your place asap.”

WHAT?!

Why?? It’s over?! How can that be? Your thoughts race as you try to figure out if he’s met someone else, who is she, you try to think back for signs this was coming.

Your heart pounds as you text him back, thinking it has to be a joke. He doesn’t respond. You try calling, only to get his voicemail. You send dozens of texts, and call dozens of times. No response.

You reach him the next day, and he explains coldly, “This isn’t working for me.” You cry and demand an explanation, demand to know if there’s someone else. He hangs up in the middle of one of your tear soaked tirades. You fill his voicemail with ever increasingly angry messages, and send a flood of  expletive laden texts.

Stop it.

The guy just dumped you. Accept it with some shred of dignity.

Did he owe you more than to break up with a vague text? Did he owe you some kind of detailed verbal exchange about your relationship after everything you have meant to each other? Sure. But…

Men would rather eat shards of broken glass then tell a woman it’s over in actual words.

A man wants a clean getaway, so let him have it. Why?

You can’t force someone to love you.

One of the biggest mistakes I’ve watched my girlfriends make in life is their inability to let go of a man. They have literally wasted years of their lives on dead or toxic relationships. They have hung in there, trying to “work things out,” endlessly rehashing everything he said or did for hours with their girlfriends, staying emotionally invested with men who didn’t want them.

Then, after wasting all this time, effort and emotion, they discover the man is marrying someone else.

It’s okay if a man wants to end things with you.

I don’t care if you’re just newly dating, have only had a one night stand or have been married for over twenty years. For some reason, women have gotten this bizarre idea that a man is a total asshole if he ever wants to end their relationship. He isn’t. He’s human. Most romantic relationships end. It’s called life.

Don’t get angry with someone for rejecting you.

I can hear it now:  “But, we were together for years! We went to [fill in blank] together! He can’t do this to me!!!”

Yes, he can.

Just because someone was involved with you for “x” amount of time doesn’t mean he is a now an indentured boyfriend/husband, stuck with you in a life sentence.

Here is what I did when someone broke up with me:  Nothing.

I didn’t go psycho. I didn’t call everyone he knew to boo-hoo about him. I didn’t hold it against him and plot his downfall. I had no problem with it. Why? Because it’s okay for a man to want to end things with me, for whatever reason.

Work on adopting my philosophy. Train yourself to accept being rejected gracefully. Learn to be able to let go emotionally, regardless of how much time or emotions you’ve invested. (If you have a problem with that, get counseling.) In the long run it will be in your best interest.

I mean, seriously, do you really want a collection of restraining orders?

*This advice also applies to men

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21 Responses »

  1. This is great advice. Too many of us hang onto the idea of a relationship instead of realizing that the relationship lacks the things we need & want. So, what do we do? Blame men for not being what they were the entire time we dated them. It was an illusion that we created the entire time. Men leave relationships because they aren’t happy, but don’t express it. That would mean failure. Who wants to admit failure?

  2. PLAY IT COOL! IF YOUR LOVER WANTS OUT; LET HIM/ and or her go. HOWEVER, WHEN HE OR SHE COMES BACK ; DO NOT TAKE HIM OR HER BACK! IT IS ALWAYS OTHER
    FISH , IN THE SEA AND YOU DESERVE BETTER! ALBERTA

  3. I wasnt even technically with this guy but he decided before we’d even got together went down the whole ‘you’re the one, i love you’ root and I needed a get-rid-quick plan (sorry to sound heartless) I could literally do nothing wrong in his eyes so I went down the mentally-unstable-crazy-lady thing. I cackled in his face (never more than 2 inches away), made animal noise randomly, and kept saying “do you hear that?” at nothing imparticular. I kept it up for at least an hour until he slowly got up and made an excuse to leave. I waved him enthusiastically out and I have never felt better. hahaha he didnt even attempt to call afterwards either. Job done, I was off the hook! Guilt-free too 😛

    • Oh, that’s priceless! That method might also have the bonus effect of keeping a dude from getting all stalkerish on you. Who wants to stalk a crazy person?

      • Precisely!!! I didnt hear a peep out of him, and it spared the whole “aww its not you, its me” speech because he was definitely a cry-er and I’m a complete sucker for crying people. Hope I dont have to go to that extreme again though, was exhausting 😉

  4. I have been witness to this one to many times with my girl friends. It makes me want to shake them violently until they get the picture. Taking your pride with you when you go through a break up is the way to go. You may feel like death, but at least your ex won’t have the satisfaction of knowing.

  5. Well done.

    I got the classic “Let’s just be friends” speech when my first girlfriend dumped me at 14. It hurt; like a lot of things do at 14, it came out of nowhere. I took her at her word and quickly found she wanted nothing to do with me. Her doing so only increased the hurt, but I knew even then that fighting back for her wouldn’t change anything. I let it go. It sucked sitting next to her in class for the rest of the semester, but such is life. So it goes.

    In break ups, few if any reasons will ever satisfy the other person. It’s best to accept that the other person had a change of heart and let him/her go. Going crazy will not bring the other person back, for that behavior will drive the person away.

  6. A woman after my own heart….a person can leave you for wearing the wrong jeans if they wants. Self- worth is understanding that you are worthy of someone that wants you back so regardless to the reasoning we have to deal with the lost. Now, don’t get me wrong a person can chase the other person but they shouldnt play victim. Choice just consist of being honest after that a person can take it or leave it. Closure is something we all desire but something the only explanation is they don’t want you and why may be given to you by an honorable person but unfortunately we don’t always come across those types of people. Ultimately we could fight for someone but don’t blame them for not joining the fight!!!!

    • Agreed, there doesn’t have to be a reason why someone wants to leave a relationship. No reason satisfies the person being dumped anyway. They won’t accept it.

      Taking rejection well should be something children are taught.

      • Children take rejection a little better than adults….There are reasons that would satisfy the human ego but “your right” most of the time they aren’t satisfied. Are you one of those people that don’t give your all in hopes you may fall too hard???? because the pain of a broken heart is a blow but we have to always keep in mind that we don’t own someone else….

  7. Hey, I got my heartbroken too. Several times in my life. In no case did I stalk them afterwards or try and hurt them with their family, friends, or at their job. I was hurt. Crushed. Angry. But I walked away to lick my wounds. You shouldn’t have to convince someone to be with you, no matter how “good” it was at one point or whatever promises they made. Sometimes people just leave because they’ve decided they want something better or just don’t want you. That’s life. But stalk and harass them after? It’s hardly mature, evolved behavior.

    I’m sure this applies to men as well, but I once read something that I never forgot — “you find out who a woman really is only after you break up with her.”

    Meaning, when things are rough. When you disappoint them in a significant way. When they are under extreme stress, THIS is who they actually are. So true in my case.

    It’s easy to be great, and kind and loving when things are going great, but how you act when a person distances themselves from you speaks volumes about your character, maturity, and viability as a long-term partner.

    To this day, I’m sure my ex-OW does not realize how here actions post relationship termination completely and forever altered my views on her — and for the worse. She has not a clue how much this matters. Even if I were single, I would never take her back into my life. Never. And every good thought I ever had about her pretty much has been driven out of my brain. All because of psycho ex behaviors.

    • That’s an excellent point that you see someone after you have split up.

      Your ex-gf has the classic stalker belief that she’s the victim. That’s what they all think. That’s what justifies what they do.

      • I know it. I can’t believe I missed the clues about who she really was — that she wasn’t what she pretended to be. My internal radar is broken. My ability to trust anyone now is virtually extinct. I’ve never been so completely betrayed. I dont even fully trust my wife. And no, I’m not saying I’m the victim. It’s just an unfortunate and lasting side-effect of doing what I did with the kind of person I did it with. Perhaps it’s just punishment.

  8. As an aside, when it comes to break ups, the whole “I’ve met someone else” is a real bullshit reason, I think. It seems to me that if you’ve met someone else, then you’ve been looking for someone else while you’ve been dating me, and that’s a shitty thing to do. It means you’ve been aware that something has been lacking in our relationship, and rather than deal with it as a team, you’ve just cut your loses and started looking elsewhere behind my back.

    But even then, psycho isn’t a good response. I’ve had three serious long term relationships in my life, only one of which I ended, and only one of which did one of us go pyscho about it. I’ll let you guess as to whether I went psycho the two times I was cut loose or if my ex girlfriend went psycho the when I broke it off. 😛

    In the end, you’re right, for both sexes. No matter how hard, bad, or harsh the breakup is, weather it with some dignity, and learn for next time.

  9. Excellent advice. Something similar once happened to me. I didn’t go psycho. I said “Follow your heart and d what makes you happy.” It didn’t take long before he came crawling back. Another time with another guy, he didn’t want to break up but he wanted to stay together even though he told me he was in love with someone else. Again, I didn’t get angry or show much emotion. I told him I wasn’t going to share him with someone else and that I deserved a man who was going to be emotionally committed to me as well as physically. I told him I’d give him space to figure out what he wanted. 5 days later he said she wasn’t worth losing me over.

  10. wish my ex-OW would read this. She would reject it of course. She sees herself as a victim and justified everything she did because of her pain. Psychos cannot be reasoned with. But good try! 🙂

    • I think it’s not about psycho, it’s just delusional egomaniacal bullshit people do. On what planet can she be the victim? She was the OW who was building a lie in her mind to begin with. All other actions that she does is because she is mad at herself. So many people think their genitals are dipped in gold, but their actions make their genitalia’s value be a Scooby snack. My next post should be don’t treat your vag like a sandwich. Ughhhh!

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