Not A Safe Space

If You’re Over 45—And Want A Man—You’re Going to Have to do Certain Things, Whether You Like it Or Not

The recent “Crazy Cat Lady” blogger got me thinking. (She’s the one who wrote the insanely ridiculous “non-negotiable list” for her next man. My post on that is here.)

I guess women have no idea what the reality is for a woman over 45 years old in the dating world. It’s time for a reality check.

Women who are over  45 years old are not a hot commodity.

Men can have any age woman they want—especially successful men—and they prefer 20-somethings. Rather than have a list of requirements for him, an older woman is going to have to be the accommodating one. Yes, I know that’s not fair.

This means that as an older woman, you’re going to have to work hard to attract a man.  

Let’s start with the basics:

1)   Get real – Accept that the competition is younger, funner and more sexually vibrant than you are, and you need to go the extra mile to compete with this:

This is your competition right here

2)   Weight – Lose it. Men are not attracted to women who look like they could be linebackers for the Miami Dolpins.

3)    Hair – Style it. Don’t just chop it off in some non-style and let it air dry. Get a  style. Also men like flowing, longer hair. Get hair extensions. Color your greys. Don’t look like a dried up old hag.

4)   Dress – Be sexy. Work what assets you have. Wear high heels, show some cleavage, show some leg. If you can’t wear high heels, just don’t wear comfy shoes a 90 yr old would. Don’t wear sweat pants unless you got them from Victoria’s Secret. Buy sexy lingerie.

5)   Baggage – Lose it. Men don’t want to hear about how badly your exes treated you, and how you’re going to have a hard time trusting again.

6)   Sex – Learn to like it because men love it. They are with us for sex. If your man likes to watch porn, watch it with him instead of giving him grief when you discover his stash of XXX DVDs under the bed.

7)   Cook – Men love to eat homemade cooking. Learn to make delicious cakes, icing, cookies, and all kinds of yummy dishes. Most men are not vegans; they don’t want to eat tofu burgers. They want Angus beef.

8)    Be quiet – One of the main complaints men have about women is that we yammer too much. Let him get a word in edgewise.

9)    Men are visual – Put effort into your physical appearance. Work out. Get Botox, fillers, facials and anti-cellulite treatments. Take advantage of the high tech anti-aging stuff out there.

10)   Always remember that women need men more than they need us.

Now you can dig your heels in and declare that you aren’t going to do any of these things. You can bitch that I’m being totally sexist and you’re not living your life catering to any man. You are going to be who you are—by God—and a man can just accept you.

That’s fine.

This is what a man free house and yard looks like

Prepare to die a lonely, bitter old woman, surrounded by fur balls with your house falling apart around you.

See my blog that started this discussion here.

 

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Categorised in: Crazy Cat Lady Collection, General Relationship Advice

96 Responses »

  1. Thank you for telling the truth. I am 46 years old and still attract a lot of male attention. I have to work at keeping up my appearance and one thing you should have touched more on is diet. I know you mentioned losing weight but that entails eating healthy almost all the time. At our age its not easy! I am at a normal BMI now, but I really have to watch my carbs and stay active. Therefore I can’t or won’t do number 7 as described (cooking) – as I don’t eat cakes, icing, cookies, and all “kinds of yummy dishes.” Otherwise you can’t be #2. If he wants cakes and cookies, then he’s likely overweight himself. I am lucky to be with someone who has a healthy lifestyle and I will grill a steak with veggies for him.

    I think comment is wrong –“10) Always remember that women need men more than they need us.” I make over six figures so maybe thats why? I do like having men around for companionship and sex. So in my mind, its an equal beneficial partnership.

    Lastly, don’t be insulted that he thinks some younger women are attractive. I think some younger men are attractive, so we have that in common!

  2. Have read most of the comments, suggestions and just plain crazy statements. Relationships are never easy and always require attention. I am so lucky to be married to the most wonderful man in the world. He is kind, kind, kind, generous to our family (and to me), very considerate, ultra intelligent and he listens …. my goodness, he is good at listening! He works long hours without complaining …. ever and always tries his best. Here is what I bring to the table : I do the same! I trust him 100% around other women – we have both stated that anything … and I mean anything that could make your partner doubt you for 1 second …. you will make SURE that you walk away in the opposite direction.
    We have a great deal of fun. We are serious gamers and spend hours playing PC games. We love reading and entertaining, travelling, sex and red wine (not necessarily in this order)! I absolutely love to cook and bake and make sure that everyone in the family gets their favourite meals. He trusts me to choose and buy his cars for him and I trust him with my heart!
    I think it must be very difficult to start dating again if you lose your soul mate and I am so very glad that I am getting old with him. He doesn’t notice my wrinkles and I don’t notice his bald spot! We are better than that!

  3. Well I was wrong . But just because u don’t believe doesn’t mean He’s not The Lord God A
    lmighty I sincerely hope you have wonderful marriage that lasts til death do u part. 😊

  4. Please forgive me my aim was not to insult but uplift…im sure u are probably a beautiful woman but u dont recognize how much so because u want a man’s approval but Jesus loves u just the way u are. Obviously you’ve been hurt. I get it.. Im just saying baby love yourself for who you are first…if it takes all that youre fighting a losing battle because beauty will fade and dogs will be dogs. I wish I could show you wut a real man. You need to know unconditional love. It’s real.

    • I’m a married woman, to the same man for over 20 years. I don’t need you to show me what a real man is. I have not been tragically hurt by relationships, so maybe you should give your internet psycho-analysis a rest. You’re way off.

      PS: There isn’t any evidence to support Jesus was even a real person, let alone some god who is actively paying attention to everything going on down here and guiding people, etc.

  5. I am a man. Whoever wrote this is obviously a foolish low self esteemed person who has no idea what a real man is. The bible teaches men to be supportive loving and thankful and appreciative of women. Women YOU just have to know what YOUR HEAVENLY FATHER “JEHOVAH” Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit
    have to say about you. He can and will give you what is perfect for you. You just have to humble yourself to Him. Salvation deliverance love hope peace joy happiness security strength love and acceptance is found in Christ. Satan will always tell you you’re not good enough. If a man can not except you for who you are he’s just not worth it. You Are Loved!!! min.woods80@gmail.com God bless us all.

    • This coming from someone who believes in invisible magical beings and thinks they are talking to him.

    • You speak the truth, but I’m probably going to get roasted on here for agreeing with you based on my nasty replies to this demeaning piece of writing. As crude as I have been in my previous posts in response to this and other similar writings, I am a believer in Jesus, God the father, son and hilt spirit. I appreciate that you are bringing god into this as much as people don’t want to hear about god, but whether they like it or not, God is a reality they cannot fight. The internet has become a platform of lies and deceitful messages to hurt humanity and set the sexes up against each other. God made men and women differently, but equal in value. I also believe that we are also the same in many ways because we are all human and made in God’s image. The writer seems to communicate that a man’s pleasure is to a woman’s detriment of her self esteem. That she must become less than God created her to be, just for a man’s gratification. Why would God want to devalue someone who he created in his image? He doesn’t. Why would God make the two sexes SO different that they can’t get along, leaving the woman hurt, scorned or a slave to a man’s approval or leaving the man feeling disrespected or misunderstood of his needs? Not God’s design at all. God created for BOTH the man and woman to love sex with each other. Both were meant to enjoy the aesthetics of their partner. Women are visual as well, but both are also meant to have the emotional connection that comes with sex. And then there are aspects such as companionship that go way beyond the sexual experience. Looks will fade, but unconditional love is forever. This world is getting further and further away from that and we have very bad examples that are being set for today’s youths. Many women take feminism too far, playing the game better than men and never get out of that habit of game playing. A lot of men go off to sow their wild oats to prove their manliness, but keep it up for too long and never learn how to be in a meaningful relationship. So as we fall into these ways, they become habitual. When will we stop being superficial with each other? There are people in their 30s 40s and 50s still acting this way and they longer they do this for, the harder it will be to find love because they are too conditioned by their old practices. So, I’m thankful that you brought God into this discussion because we need values presented to our children. We need less devaluing of the sexes which is a poison to society.

  6. Your comments are just nasty and rude! I think you just plain hate women. If women need men more than the other way around, then tell me why do single men DIE earlier than single women? LOL At this rate, I rather have a cat than a man if the man is a jerk like YOU!!!!

  7. Having had women up to the age of 45 I’d say they don’t put out enough and I get bored sitting around the tv, eating shit, drinking wine listing to the same crap my parents used to talk about. There is zero spontaneity and everything has to be planned, it’s like being with your mum!!
    I don’t give a shit if the worlds flat or want to know about bullshit science theories that can’t really be proved. As an insignificant human who’s life doesn’t really make a difference like 99.9% of the rest of the population it doesn’t affect me. Wasting time recycling isn’t going to do a thing, if you really want to cut your carbon footprint don’t get on aeroplanes or drive a car then I might listen. (you get the gist)
    I’m nearly 40 but am like an experienced 20 year old except I’m no longer with younger women that leave you spending your day thinking about your next lay. Not a problem, I’m not shallow but I still want to be out there doing things, older women just seem to have no energy or enthusiasm, it seems like just existing is hard for them (unless it involves wasting money). My advice (for energy) is shunned as it usually means doing something so my ignorant attitude of carrying on and generally enjoying life is treated with contempt.
    Perhaps a life with nothing but shattered dreams that didn’t work out just makes them miserable, shit doesn’t always work out for me but tomorrows a new day and yesterday don’t matter.
    Younger girls are all about social media bollocks, I don’t give a toss how the world views me so why would I waste effort taking numerous pictures of myself and things I’m doing. Then waste even more time talking about myself doing things in the pictures of myself doing the things I just talked about of myself??
    Then they all want kids, I’m too old for that now, life’s easy and enjoyable. Why make it hard, potentially depressing and a grind?
    I had the snip just to make sure I don’t get mugged into parenthood against my will, but I’m honest and don’t take advantage of it. Any sensible woman over 40 feels the same as me which is a major plus point.

  8. You are such a jerk, as a 45 year old female, I am not washed up like you make us (older woman) to be. I have younger guys hit on me all the time. And I disagree with a woman needs a man more ha! It’s the other way around, my husband would be lost without me. So for woman over 45 don’t believe this cra and think you have to lower your morals because of some young jerk comments.

    • You may not be washed up, but most women over 45, let’s face it, don’t look too fresh. I didn’t mean to imply a woman has to have a man around–but for those who want one—they will need to work at it. I wrote this in response to all the man wish lists I’d been reading, from all the women out there moaning about not being able to get a man.

      I didn’t suggest someone lower their morals. Where did I say that.

  9. funny because pre-40 something, I would have p-shawed this kind of list. Now, mid-40’s I’ve already put your list into action. By the way I clicked the link of the high tech anti-aging book for cheap but the link no longer routes to the Amazon page of the book you suggested. Can we get the name of the book to try to find elsewhere? thank you and keep up the interesting blogs!

  10. Good grief! All this advice is terrible. Better to stay single than stoop as low as this writer suggest women do.

    • Sandpiper
      I agree with BetterOffSingleThanCompromised. To Carolina, my question is , why do you hate women (or yourself) so much? No one, nor a man or a woman should think this way of themselves…this not only depressing but also unhealthy. All this external refurbishment (?!) is going to be only temporary if you lack inner quality…and there is nothing wrong with having your opinions, idea as you get old… because it is the experience and knowledge that make you stand out. And everybody gets old so try to have a healthy attitude about it. And that “women need men more than they need us” is a complete bull. I am a woman from a third world country who have struggled to make something of herself in US. I come from a culture where women were not highly regarded even 20 years back, but things are changing since women have forced that change gradually. So to hear this from someone in the first world is very pathetic…

      • What, women shouldn’t be honest about themselves and the reality of their situation? We should believe something that isn’t true?

        Why do you think when they have a choice men marry younger women? There isn’t super huge demand for women over 45 in this country or probably in any other.

        Look, you can live in your fantasy world and want things to be a certain way. You can want things to be “fair.” You can want men to be attracted to you no matter how much you weigh, for instance, but that’s not reality.

      • Hi hi! Guess who’s back? Your one and only terrible bitch…ME!!!!! Yay me!!!

        This way of thinking is most definitely unhealthy. It’s difficult enough to have a healthy attitude about aging without websites like this telling women that they are nothing without men and that we have an expiration date. How foul. We might as well say that once we reach 40 that we are wastes of space. Men are interested in what’s beyond our physical appearance. They like us to look good, but they connect with who we are as people. Good men are willing to listen because we are important to them.

        Sorry to graffiti your page Carolina. It’s been a while lol 😉

        • Welcome back! I didn’t realize I was saying women are “nothing” without men. That’s not exactly what I meant. I mean to say that a woman’s life is better with a decent man than without one. This is written in response to all women out there complaining about not getting a man, and wanting one. Maybe I need to clarify that.

          Men, in our society, are just not that interested in post-menopausal women. It’s probably biologically based, since these women can no longer reproduce. I am speaking in general, of course.

          I want you to point out to me all the older wealthy, powerful men who are married to women their own age. Because when a middle-aged or older man has a choice, he doesn’t choose to be with a post-menopausal woman. This is just a fact, and I’m the messenger.

          If men are so interested in us for our minds, and care about us as “people” why are there no men’s magazines featuring articles where women expound on their thoughts, but instead the men’s magazines are filled with scantily clad, young hotties?

    • I don’t think that all these things the writer says that women should donate inherently wrong. They are actually good/cool things alone and you’d probably agree with that as well, but men are not with women for just those reasons. Men want way more than that and I think the main problem here that you and I have with this writer is how she reduces women to objects that are here to please men. I have to wonder if she realizes this because when she replies back she tries to make it appear that her intentions are good, but then when I refer back to the original tone of the article, it reveals that women must behave like they’re inferior to men. I would never want to view men in such a negative light and if I come across such a man, I will walk the other way.

  11. I’m surprised point 10 didn’t generate some controversy. “What? What? But, what about the fish and bicycles? No!”

  12. Please please please.do one for men 40+..

    • Even a man over 45 can get an 18 yr old….if he’s rich enough.

      • Aye, and I’ve seen it work vice versa.

            • Carolina Courtland is a man posing as a woman. A very chauvinistic man. This is meant to poison the unity between men and women. Radical feminism has done major damage. Now the pua’s and mgtows, both misogyinnst groups are here to drive us further apart. The family unit is at stake and neither men or women can afford to be selfish now.

              • LOL You are just mouthing off. You have zero evidence I’m a man. You don’t know me personally.

                Men and women don’t have “unity” to begin with. I merely point this out.

                The “family unit” I suppose you define as one man and one woman, right?

                • One of the reasons for our lack of unity is hate posts like this against women.

                  • It isn’t “hate” posts, stop with the histrionics. Sorry if truth is a problem for you.

                    • It’s pretty damn misoginistic and its not even that women don’t do these things, but the way you state it as if women are only a piece of ass and that men can’t see an older woman as sexy when in fact o see it on a regular basis. I know plenty of women in that age group who take care of themselves very well and don’t need to bend over backwards to get a man to bend over backwards. I intend to follow suit when I get there, so truth is not something I see in what you wrote here. Most women I know don’t always want an older man unless he has taken good care of himself. Also, please get an unabridged grasp of histrionics before you state such things.

                    • You must be young and inexperienced with relationships and life in general.

                      Older men (who can) CHOOSE to be with much younger women, not women their own age. Example: name any wealthy, successful man. How about George Clooney, he got married and didn’t marry someone his own age, not even close.

                      Men, in general, do view women as “pieces of ass”. Why? Biology. That’s what women are to men: sex partners.

                      You don’t know “plenty” of menopausal women who have men chasing after them. Unless a woman over 45 is taking extremely good care of herself to preserve her looks and femininity, men just aren’t interested.

                    • Ehem. George Clooney is the exception, not the norm LMAO!

      • Or goes to Russia/Ukraine and marries a Slavic woman. Some of my friends have DONE JUST THAT. My homie’s wife was 19 when they met, he was 42. Been married five years now….

        • If your a male and over 45, you do not have to be rich to date an 18 year old, I mean if you wanted to. The fact is a lot of younger women prefer an older male or are open to dating one.

          • Sigh…..one of the greatest lies ever told is that women “like” or “prefer” older men. Women like nothing of the sort. I often hear women say they like younger men but never the opposite. When I look around at everyday life, I see people who are invariably with people their own age, even those who are on their second or third marriage. I’ve never come across an 18 year old who’d be happy to take up with a middle aged man, unless there was something wrong with her. This talk is a control thing…try and get women to think they have no options then they’ll be grateful for anything. The only women who buy into that type of rubbish are ones with really low self esteem. And so what if she (or he) lives her days out alone in a shack? At least nowadays women have choices, they can live as they please. A man looks his best in his 20’s, followed by his early 30s. He starts to look seedy in his late 30s, looses his looks in his 40s and is invisible in his 50s. That’s just how it is…continue to delude yourself if it makes you feel better.

            • Wow very interesting. I am 50 Arianna is 36. She does not have a low self esteem. Has a degree, a very good job, she makes twice what I make working. Bea my last long term who is now a teacher and married to an older Dom who is 63 Bea is 28 now I believe and very Happy.

              I have never dated women my age with the exception of when I tried to turn vanilla, big mistake.

              Last I am not a saver. I do not prey on those with problems, or one who has a low self esteem, that my friend is wrong.

              Even at munchs I see the age difference older Doms and younger submissives.

              Thank for stopping by

            • you said that right im a HOT 50 year old no botox here but great attitude and very good shape..told I’m always with a smile, I check out the other ladys when the men look and admitt if shes beautiful and men as young as 32 always make compliments to me and ask me out. most men accept we arn’t all porn stars. but for God sake stop comparing..and yes let him out of the house with his male friends! talk sweet( ie watch your tone) ask instead of telling him what u want..

              • I think that at 45 a woman who looks good is very attractive. If you know your interests and you know yourself, the problem is, sometimes you don’t really need a man. Unless he is as fit and happy as you are. Which could be a problem for a lot of men who spent their younger years drinking and smoking. Unless you just want to take care of him because he is tired and want to stay in front of the tv and you really enjoy that lifestyle…

            • Yay you make sense! Most of all, guess what everyone…here it comes…JOHN’S COMMENT FUCKIN RAWKS!!!

          • I prefer men that look good. Older men do not look good to me. Maybe when o get older they will, but as of now I date the haut ones.

    • why? you are a hot man. you don’t need the advice listing.

  13. Im in my 20s and I do all these things + laser hair removal + read + have a full time job, there are no excuses. DO it ladies, even if not for the men. Do it for YOU first 🙂 .

  14. Now, this is speaking to young women, but I think it’s just so true it fits great with this post:

    http://dannyfrom504.wordpress.com/2011/08/04/guest-post-by-detinennui32/

  15. Great post. My mom is actually not much older then she is and her husband is a few years younger and he is far far far from perfect. But she is happy. My thing is find someone who has flaws you can live with. I saw a comment on her recent post that said she may go back and revise her list.

  16. Interestingly, all of those points apply to gay men too 😀
    My advice has always been for gay men to find a partner before 28 (for myself I set the age of 25 as that’s when you get the biggest bang for your buck in Gaydom) and for god’s sake don’t sign a pre-nup. Once they’re stuck with you and you own 50% of their stuff, they won’t just trade you in for a newer model.

    • I was wondering about that as I wrote it, whether it applied to gay men. I tend not to mention gays when I write my advice because I don’t feel I’m qualified. I don’t think I know or understand the gay community that well so it’s good when you make comments.

      • It’s exactly the same. Of course there are exceptions for very successful and beautiful people, but that also crosses sexuality lines. If you’re a gay man over 45 and you want someone who checks all the boxes you’ve got to check all the boxes and more… Or you can go for someone who doesn’t check all the boxes.
        There’s an old French saying that translates to: For every callused foot there’s a comfortable old sandal 😀

  17. http://stakedintheheart.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/5212012223039fdgdfg.jpg

    Cannot… stop… laughing… and… giggling.. like.. a.. titmouse!

    You’re list is as always, impeccable and spot on. That a woman like yourself writes this makes you a high calibre catch.

    When you see your hubby tonight, gently slap him in the face and tell him “the men of the internet would like to remind you just how damn lucky you are, now take off your pants and lets do this like they do on the discovery channel!”

    😉

    • Thanks, M3. You’re a hot catch. A woman would be lucky to have you.

      My husband is amazing. He is supportive of whatever I choose to do, and proud of the things I do. He is my blog’s #1 fan, rushing to read each new post.

      Yes, he can be an asshole at times, but he has put up with more shit from me, like my animal rights, my animal rescue. We have spent a fortune on my little “hobby” of animal rescue and at times have a house filled with strays.

      And right now he is installing a new expensive dishwasher for me. 🙂

  18. Doing certain things is not even the only issues.It’s managing expectations and keeping them minimal
    Sent from my BlackBerry® device from Digicel

  19. Well the fact is Carolina an increasingly amount of women 45 and over do not take care of themselves, men are just as bad. If your ever in wal mart, and look at some of the women, who weigh 350lbs wearing a pair of cotton shorts, and it looks like their crotch is eating them, that is nothing one would find attractive.
    How ever there are some fine women over the age of 45 and older who are still hot.
    The list is not obtainable on anyone’s standards , and she will never find it..

  20. “8) Be quiet – One of the main complaints men have about women is that we yammer too much. Let him get a word in edgewise”

    Accept the fact that most men don’t like to talk that much, or at least not that much with you. Is it because of something you do? No. It’s just their innate nature. When men have a problem, they DON’T want to talk about it and that is part of their problem solution. Women naturally want to do the exact opposite.

    It’s not so much that he wants to get a word in edge-wise, it’s more that he actually enjoys peaceful silence!

    I’ll also add:

    11. Help your man out! You’re in the supportive role, you don’t have to wash his feet, but if you try I bet you can find little things that he GREATLY appreciates and that will have him wanting to make you happy. It’s a TEAM.

    • I agree. I almost put in the peace and quiet thing, but I noticed the older a woman got the more talking she did. My grandmother and mother run their mouths incessantly. They don’t even take a breath between topics.

      On a road trip recently with my mother from California to Vegas, my mother didn’t stop talking the entire time. I thought I was going to lose my mind.

    • #11 is why you used to always hear the phrase behind every great man is a greater woman acknowledging the complementary and supportive role women played in helping their men achieve greatness.

      for 2012 it’s now said behind every broken defeated beta-chump there is a nagging masculine independent tankgrrl woman. it’s all about them, me me me attitude, never submit, never yield, controlling, domineering and emasculating attitude.

    • Some people are extroverts and like to talk. They will NEVER be a quiet shrinking violet. Why should they be anything other than themselves? What they need to find someone who can accept them as they are. If a man can hold their own in a conversation, then they shouldn’t feel intimidated by a woman who talks.

  21. You’re so right again.

    I mean,it should be common sense as a woman ages,she should lower her standards and expectation.

    You can’t want an Adonis-bodied guy with a Brad Pitt face when your 47 years old.
    Sent from my BlackBerry® device from Digicel

    • Whoa whoa whoa.. hold on a sec…

      … you mean women can’t… “have it all”™?

      • But Stormlover’s blog showed that women clearly don’t realize they can’t have everything they want, they can’t “have it all”. She seems to think she should be able to get a perfect man, even at her age, and women were jumping right in there telling her how “reasonable” she was being.

        Btw, I wrote her and asked her why she wasn’t posting any negative comments. I haven’t heard back, and I’m sure she won’t let that post out of moderation.

        • After all the spot on posts you’ve written about her list.. you’ll never hear from her again except when she makes it on the local news when her place is condemned for being saturated in feline urine & feces.

          Letting the comments through would mean she’d have to attempt to refute them which is too much trouble for her. I still find it funny that the last comment she agreed with refuted all the other comments who sided with her.

          I’m waiting for her follow up post with breathless anticipation where she acknowledges that she can’t have everything on that list and has to lower her expectations to what she can live with vs. what she desires.

    • lol ya but they r good for sex! hey im a class 1 truck driver,, 5 4 120bls. (oops gotta bend over to hook those glad hands up! ;)) when ppl ask me how old i am i laugh and say 42..wow u look good for your age..really? hah im 50..they fall all over themselves..women need to stop being so needy..most older women have that over the younger ones.. and yes i agree with u kinda..dont lower your standards too much tho..wouldnt want her with a junkie..right?

    • Lower one’s standards and expectations? NEVER! Then no one is happy

    • Funny. I actually have a date with a guy tomorrow night who has a perfectly built body, gorgeous masculine face, 10 years younger than me who has been trying to get with me for two years now. Gonna be fun fun fun 🙂

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