controversial relationship advice

I’m a Dude and This is What I Want in a Perfect Bitch

Recently, Kanye West wrote a love song for Kim K called “Perfect Bitch” so I asked a male friend to come up with a list of qualities his ideal woman should possess. He used, as a base, the exact list from the female blogger I mocked in my “You’re Going to End Up a Crazy Cat Lady!” blog. I thought her list of requirements for a man was beyond ridiculous, but others thought it was “reasonable.”

Let’s see how her “non-negotiable list” sounds coming from a man. (Her original list is in bold face. What he wants in a woman is written after that.)

 

  1. Honesty/Integrity/Loyalty/Sincerity/Values/Priorities – I would prefer a virgin, but it’s okay as long as she hasn’t spread herself around too much. Sluts need not apply. (And I don’t like tramp stamps, ladies.) I am to be her priority, of course.
  2. Best Friend/Confidant – She needs to keep her big mouth shut and not blab everything to her girlfriends or the gay guy doing her her hair.
  3. Confident/Secure – I don’t want to have to give her compliments every five seconds or lie and tell her I don’t want to bang any other women.
  4. Self-awareness – A lizard has self-awareness, why is this on the list?
  5. Humility – She needs to know/accepts when she’s done or said something wrong and apologize
  6. Responsible/Dependable – She needs to accept responsibility and take care of things and not expect me to do everything because I’m the man.
  7. Chemistry/Passion/Intensity/Sexual Compatibility-  She needs to have a perfect body, Nice tits, nice ass. And be horny for me all the time. She needs to engage in lesbian sex while I watch. Also she needs to change her hair color often. I don’t always want to be boning a brunette.
  8. Respectful – She needs to know when to shut up when I am tired of hearing her little stories. She should quickly back out of the room when I give her “the look” that I’m bored with her.
  9. Non-procrastinator - She immediately needs to jump when I tell her I want something, whether it be to bring me a beer or get me another pillow. I don’t want her late for things, either. No excuses, like she had to do her hair.
  10. Must be good for me – This goes without saying.
  11. Enjoys snuggling/kissing/PDA - She needs to give head often and engage in threesomes. I also don’t want her embarrassing me in public with displays of PDA.
  12. Social/Work/Hobbies/Alone Time – I don’t want to spend time with her family. And she needs to accept I need alone time. Leave me alone so I can jerk off in peace.
  13. E.Q. – the ability to correctly assess the emotions and oneself and those with whom one interacts – She needs this in order to read my mind so she doesn’t get on my nerves by babbling about topics I’m not interested in, like fashion, her family or celebrity gossip.
  14. Conversation/Communication skills – She needs to stop trying to communicate so much. I want quiet, especially when the game is on. See #13
  15. Shares all household responsibilities - In addition to the household chores, she should change the oil in the car, be able to overhaul the engine, clean out  gutters, repair the roof, trim hedges, that sort of thing.
  16. Ambition/Dreams/Goals – She needs to do whatever she can to help me achieve my goals. I don’t care what hers are. I don’t want to deal with some woman’s pipe dream of being a “singer” some day.
  17. Non-abusive – That means no throwing vases and slamming doors when she’s angry.
  18. Vulnerable – I want her to be less vulnerable. I don’t want to have to deal with tears. Stop crying so much.
  19. Compassionate – Goes without saying
  20. Empathetic – See #13
  21. Willingness to grow – This is psycho babble. I don’t even know what this means.
  22. Boundaries – She needs to respect my boundaries, like when I want to go out with my guy friends without her.
  23. Work Ethic – She should work at a full-time job like I do.
  24. Enriching/Challenging/Nurturing – I don’t want her “challenging” me. I don’t need that from a woman. Nurturing goes without saying.
  25. Sense of humor – It’s okay for her to have sense of humor unless she brays like donkey. And no raunchy jokes or jokes about sex, unless we’re in private.
  26. Financial stability – Stop spending so much of my money, especially on shoes. I don’t give a rat’s ass about fancy shoes.
  27. And maybe even more….I would also like her to go to that Geisha school in Japan. No, I don’t want her wearing all that clown makeup or playing that stupid little instrument. I want her to learn how to please me.

Now, readers, how does this list sound coming from a man?

He sounds like a male chauvenist. Why is it those of you who found The Cat Lady list to be reasonable, think when a man demands the same things, he’s a pig?

Admit it, you think he’s a pig.

Because when you look at this list from a man’s point of view it is patently absurd. But, hey it’s her list.

To see the Crazy Cat Lady Blog go here.

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34 Responses »

  1. I’ve seen the non-negotiables list that men write…and it’s very short…and just as unrealistic. They expect a woman to be thin, pretty and always available for sex even if she doesn’t feel like it…and even if she jumps through every hoop, once she turns 40 he’ll trade her in for two 20s. Trouble is the guy is usually a 5 looking for a 10.

  2. Much better than I could have done. Laughed my ass off.

    But yes, he sounds like a chauvinist pig.

  3. Some of this is all right: be punctual, be respectful, don’t throw things, but the bottom line is: He’s a pig. Parts of this get so over the top that it could be a joke, but apparently it isn’t.

    This is a list of things he wants in a slave, not in a woman. All of it amounts to him saying, “I am your ruler. Obey me or I’ll throw you out.” The requirements for sex alone are beyond demanding. She must be horny for him “all of the time” and have sex with lesbians while he watches? Good luck on that one. Here’s a question for him: would he be horny for her all of the time as well? It doesn’t look that way. It isn’t realistic to expect a person to be horny for you all the time. I know I’m not horny all of the time and I don’t expect my lover to be either.

  4. I tried leaving 2 reasonable comments on her posts to digest. So far she hasn’t let them out of moderation. Looks like you’re the only comment she allowed to go against her fabulous train of thought and echo chamber. You should feel special.

    • If she didn’t want comments, she should have kept that list to herself. I love that, how she puts it out on the internet in a public blog, then doesn’t like it when she gets comments.

      I wonder how many men so far have raced to apply for the job as her life partner?

  5. women are fucking crazy. The list should consist of one thing and one thing only.
    1. laughter.
    if you can laugh together, you have the world by the ass.

  6. if I end up the male equivalent of the crazy cat lady, that’s okay with me. I’ll have lots of peace and quiet, occasionally get laid, and work on projects I find interesting.

    Enjoy your crazy cat lady existence, ladies.

    • There was a female reader who commented that the Cat Lady List was just “a mature adult male”. I responded to her by saying that she didn’t know men. Men, for starters, are not great at communicating. Their brains are wired differently. A man is never going to “communicate” well enough to satisfy a woman.

      What is interesting is how many people think that list is “reasonable”.

      • I find it even more amusing to consider this from the perspective of an employer posting a job versus the employee.

        Employer’s list:
        1. Comes to work early, leaves late, works overtime for free.
        2. Takes 20 minute lunch breaks at desk while working.
        3. Perfect grammar/spelling at all times
        4. Types 250 WPM and speed reads with 100% comprehension.
        5. Takes on extra work at home for “fun.”

        Employee’s list:
        1. Let’s me take naps whenever I want.
        2. Expects me to work only about 50% of the time.
        3. I can come in late/leave early whenever I feel like it.
        4. Trains me, pays for my training, doesn’t mind if I leave right after finishing my training.
        5. Provides free food, long lunches, let’s me jerk off in my office and sexually harassing coworkers is encouraged.

        Both sound reasonable right?

  7. I think that is hilarious. Beyond hilarious. Not that I’m applying or anything. (Please don’t let my husband see your list). I can laugh at it from a distance, can’t I???

  8. MY New Dating add Carolina….

    Looking for an immature woman with a criminal record that doesn’t drive or have a job. Prefer you bathe once a week and rarely, if ever, brush your teeth. I love Hair extensions hot! Please ask me for naked pictures and for crying out loud, don’t have dreams or ambitions. If you went to a collegiate institution – YOUR OUT! I prefer you didn’t pass 10th grade. Manners and common courtesy should never be used. Don’t return my calls or texts. Smack your food, chew with your mouth open and refer to my father as Big Daddy! Grammar and English are foreign to me. Chemistry and physical attraction are not important. It’s my sincerest hope you’re mentally deranged, sit in front of the television as a national pastime and despise conversing. It would be incredibly boring to find a person to enjoy stimulating conversation. I prefer we sit together and stare at the walls. If you have phobias to water, motorcycles, airplanes, restaurants, life’s adventures or the great outdoors – YOUR MY Woman! Rest assured you NEVER find me dancing around the house, on the sofa, chair, beds with the music cranked. Never! I can’t stand a house with an amazing sound system with an outstanding selection of music. Not me. Last, but not least, I will never use sarcasm and have zero sense of humor. This is a tall order, but I don’t have high expectations. Treat me like crap and you’re in there. I prefer you live in a single wide trailer with 5 kids. On Medicaid and food stamps is a plus…
    Don’t be shy contact me

    Lets talk

Trackbacks

  1. You’re Going to End Up A Crazy Cat Lady! | Staked in the Heart
  2. My Open Letter to the “Crazy Cat Lady” Blogger | Staked in the Heart
  3. If You’re Over 45—And Want A Man—You’re Going to Have to do Certain Things, Whether You Like it Or Not | Staked in the Heart
  4. My Open Letter to the “Crazy Cat Lady” Blogger | Staked in the Heart

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