I can smell the cat piss from across the Internet
I stumbled across a blog from a single middle-aged woman looking for love and was struck by the lengthy “non-negotiable list” of demands her next non-existent man was going to have to meet.
She explained that she had bad relationships in the past, and she wasn’t going to “settle” for anything less than everything she wanted.
She went into great detail explaining each category—as if men out there are eagerly reading each word— hoping they are The One who meets her stringent requirements. This is her edited list:
- Honesty/Integrity/Loyalty/Sincerity/Values/Priorities – No flirting with other women allowed
- Best Friend/Confidant
- Confident/Secure
- Self-awareness
- Humility – knows/accepts when he’s done or said something wrong and can apologize (no excuses, but rather reasons)
- Responsible/Dependable
- Chemistry/Passion/Intensity/Sexual Compatibility
- Respectful
- Non-procrastinator (terminal)
- Must be good to me and FOR me (as well as for my children…i.e. male figure, role model)
- Enjoys snuggling/kissing/PDA
- Social/Work/Hobbies/Alone Time
- E.Q. – the ability to correctly assess the emotions and oneself and those with whom one interacts
- Conversation/Communication skills
- Shares all household responsibilities (cooking/cleaning/bills etc)
- Ambition/Dreams/Goals
- Non-abusive
- Vulnerable
- Compassionate
- Empathetic
- Willingness to grow
- Boundaries
- Work Ethic
- Enriching/Challenging/Nurturing
- Sense of humor
- Financial stability
- And maybe even more….
Okaaay.
Glaringly absent was any mention of what she was going to do for this vulnerable, sexy, motherly, affectionate, funny, humble, well-off, work horse of a man.
Several of her visitors actually encouraged her, commenting how she shouldn’t lower her high standards and that her list was “reasonable.” But not me.
I told her to GET REAL.
Any man reading her list is going to RUN.
Her list is not only wildly unrealistic, it’s insulting. This “lucky” man is to work his ass off (but hey, that’s what men are good for, right?) and when he comes home from work on time, he is to engage in appropriate conversation by first correctly assessing her emotions, make her laugh, cook dinner, clean up, help her kids by another man do their homework, and then cuddle with her.
Maybe some day robots will be able to do all this, but there isn’t a man alive who can. Men are human. That means they are flawed. They aren’t superhuman. But, most importantly, they aren’t here to serve women.
You ladies with lists will be needing a lot of these for your ManFree homes
And to all the women out there with lists of what you want in a man: Throw them out!
Or you’re going to be needing a lot of cat litter boxes.
If you insist on hanging on to your lists, I recommend the ScoopFree.
To read the hilarious male equivalent of the list go here.
It is a list that’s too long, and many things could be overlooked without a man being a bad boyfriend. I agree with those who say it’s not reasonable. Some points:
3. A somewhat insecure man is no trouble, we all have some weak points.
9. Procrastination, unless severe, can be a charming flaw, what does “terminal” mean?
12. What does this requirement mean btw? I didn’t really get it, although I assume she means compatibility socially, in hobbies and work.
13. SOME EQ is needed (I wouldn’t date someone with Aspergers syndrome to be frank, I heard it can be really hurtful), but in general you can simply tell someone how you feel instead of making them guess. However, not being able to identify your own emotions is pretty damn bad – it’s just emotional immaturity, and the person won’t know where their feelings are coming from, and will just blame you for causing them or other people and lash out.
This was funny — especially the title.
Thanks, Sword Chinned! (I read how you got your name.)
There’s a whole lot of people out there who have such lists that they stick to and which therefore keep them alone. We all know that. What we should also remember is that a lot of them *know* that they will be alone and have accepted that as the alternative to being with someone who doesn’t meet their standards. And if you’re cool with that, and don’t complain about where it leads, and instead live your life to the fullest possible measure in areas other than relationships, then everything is fine.
If, to you:
Being alone is a 3/10;
Being with a person who meets your standards is a 10/10; but
Being with a person that doesn’t meet your qualifications is a 7/10.
Then clearly, if the middle option in unobtainable, the last option is superior.
BUT if, to you:
Being alone is a 9/10;
Being with a person who meets your standards is a 10/10; but
Being with a person that doesn’t meet your qualifications is a 3/10.
Then clearly, if the middle option in unobtainable, the first option is superior. Make your choice and live with it.
I love you. Lol.
I don’t have a “list,” per se, but I do have requirements in the back of my mind. It’s kind of like, when I know I know kind of thing. There has to be a happy medium between searching for “perfection” and something “ideal,” (doesn’t exist) and mitigating our expectations. We don’t want to end up in the dumpster after all, or saddled in a bad relationship. I would rather have 100 cats and be alone than with someone who’s wrong for me. It’s been said before.
I’m a total cat lady, btw.
No man will ever be that… ever… Period… Unless he’s gay, but even than, its a very slight chance, and sex is out of the question….
But people think its “reasonable” and gave me grief for saying it isn’t.
I know a lot of ‘perfect guys’… I mean these guys should be role models for any husband, they clean, cook, work, spend time with the kids, have a great sex life, satisfies their wives, home handymen, trade, earn lots of cash, genuinely attracted to their wives, great hygiene and presents oneself respectably most times. a couple would make Tatum look like zombie in the handsome department… But be damned if they make half that list…
They drink with their mates every thursday, fish for a whole weekend, golf/footy/soccer/pigunters… Two are farmers, two are underground miners, 1 is actually a male model and two work as rail line labourers… Meaning most of them are away from home half the year because of career, and when they get their down time and rostered days off, ya think they wanna be a slave some chick expects them to be?
that description was one from saying “must sparkle in sunlight”… a word of warning IF any women ever find that man from the list, he’s a sociopath a fraudster or a serial killer.
I say, tell her to put out an add on the worlds biggest dating site and see how it goes…
Oh, that was a great list and a nice reminder that there is an entire demographic of middle-age women who still perceive themselves as 20-something princesses who believe they deserve an alpha prince to sweep them off their feet. But what these delusional cupcakes haven’t quite learned is that they better offer something to a man (that he actually wants in a woman) because men are the gatekeepers to commitment..
You’re right, men are the gatekeepers to commitment. It is up to the woman to please a man, read my open letter to her. I tell her what she needs to do to make herself attractive to a man.
http://stakedintheheart.com/2012/08/09/my-open-letter-to-the-crazy-cat-lady-blogger/
This list reminds me of when my friends swear they have a “type” and then go on to list 40 characteristics that that “type” has to have. Sometimes they are so rigid, I wonder if some really wonderful guys pass them by because they don’t meet that rigid criteria. I got married young; at that age, had a type as well and my husband does not in ANY WAY fit that profile. But I surprised myself, and found that he was unexpected and great in so many different ways than what I had expected or wanted. I remember reading somewhere that when looking for a partner, think of “Absolute” lists and “Would be Nice” lists. Your absolutes are things you absolutely cannot bend on (i.e. religion, geographic location, wants kids or not, etc) and should be a relatively short list. Your “Would be Nice” list could be lengthy, but you have to be willing to bend on every one of them.
She is 49. No single man at any age will touch that unless he is to old to care and will likely not meet any requirements on her list. Often times some women have no idea what they truly want even for themselves. I could easily believe she would date someone the opposite of everything she listed. Great blog.
FTS, don’t say that! 49/50 is the new 20, and dating is all the rage at that age! Look at Madonna and her hunky 20 year old model boyfriends
Madonna is wealthy, and a celeb. Otherwise, I don’t think she’d be with such young hotties.
i wanted to add after giving it some thought. What if this “man” meets her list but he has some things on his list that she would refuse to do like..serve his breakfast/lunch/dinner on a one armed hand stand. Or buttsecks only and nothing else of any variety whatsoever. Would she compromise for his list if he meets hers? A bit of an exaggeration yes, but her list is unreasonable: so why not have unreasonable demands of her? She makes it seem as if by default she is the perfect woman for any man who meets this list. Strongly doubt that.
And Madonna looks amazing for her age. But without the celep upkeep that comes with being rich its possible she would not look as great as she does
You should go to her blog and ask her that.
I would be curious to see her response. She does make it seem like she is the perfect woman who deserves a perfect man, but I can tell from just what I’ve read about her on her blog that she has a couple things most men would hardly consider perfect. I’m not going to be rude and mention them here.
i think i will. I did go over there earlier and i saw that everyone, and i mean everyone pretty much approves of her list. And it seems like quite a few of them would rather lie and make her feel good then be honest with her. Thats not what women like her need. But i will pose the question on her blog it should be interesting.
It seems like everyone approves of her list because she won’t allow any negative comments to get posted. She moderates them.
Hysterical – awesome post!
No, but seriously what’s weird on this list???? It’s a lengthy list that could probably be less specific but it would still mean the same thing. She wasn’t asking for him to be tall, dark and handsome. The only thing on that list that I find remotely tricky is best friend/confidant but some relationships roll that way and others don’t. I couldn’t find the original blog post with the explanations so I guess I’d be interested in seeing if those explanations seem off the hook, but ultimately she wants a guy who’s an adult. Like a full grown adult. I’m dating a guy who’s a full grown adult. He meets at least 25/27 things on that list but again, those are just qualities adults in relationships probably should have if we’re going for a healthy situation.
Here’s one thing I would say about lists. Choosing a good/non-evil guy does not come naturally to a lot of women. A shit load of women. I was/am one of those women. I am very grateful that I have never been in a physically abusive relationship and I don’t think my head space is such that I’d put up with that–but emotionally abusive, absolutely. And I know a shit ton of women in that situation. I recognize that those women have a lot of work to do on themselves before they’re ever going to recognize that the men in their lives are awful, awful people, (much like myself) but a list is generally something that happens when you’re working your way from being the girl whose friends are always groaning about the guy she’s dating to the woman who is dating a normal human being. Lists will get refined over that time (and thus may grow longer or shorter), but they’re basically a mechanism for reminding us that there are adult men out there and to help us weed out terrible, terrible guys. Basically she’s making a list of things that probably come naturally to you when choosing a guy. And that’s awesome for you. Some of us just need to have that shit laid out explicitly or we’ll find ourselves back in a relationship with some guy who think it’s totes normal lie to us all the time, or never try to be employed, or disappear for days at a time or tell us we’re ugly…well you get the point.
So if you’re really good at choosing good guys, which I assume you are, this can seem like an absurd exercise, but what this list is doing is ensuring she doesn’t end up in a blog post about another woman in an abusive relationship.
Here is the original blog post with her more detailed explanations. Tell me what you think when you read those. Then tell me if you think there’s a man out there who wants to feel the pressure of measuring up to all the things on her list.
http://lifeinthedashlane.wordpress.com/2012/06/02/the-non-negotiables-list-impossible-even-for-a-super-man/
Thanks for pointing me to the full post. Having read it (I actually expected it to be waaaay longer from what you had said), I think there are three things that are going to be hard. No major debt (other than mortgage/vehicle), can listen without always wanting to solve or fix, is looking forward to having me as his best friend and being my best friend. A lot of people have debt that isn’t about a house or a car and that’s generally something up for discussion in my opinion. Most dudes I know have a *super* hard time not trying to solve or fix. In fact I think most human beings have a hard time with that, but it’s something to work toward. And the one that I mentioned before, I don’t think all couples end up as best friends and I don’t think the ones that aren’t are necessarily less healthy for it.
But nothing else in there struck me as actually odd or not something we’d all want in a partner. It’s all work for sure, but all good relationships are work. Of course it’s overwhelming to read it in a long and specific list but just because she blogged about it, I doubt highly she’s handing this list to potential partners and saying “get on this.” She certainly doesn’t say anything like that in her post. (And I don’t think that by virtue of blogging it, that it necessarily follows that her potential partners are all reading it or none of us bloggers would ever date!). I have a list; my boyfriend has never seen it nor read it nor will he ever. It was about me not settling for shitty guys anymore, not about having him work towards a bunch of requirements. He met those requirements by virtue of who he is–that’s why I’m dating him. And it’s not even like I was thinking that hard about the list when I started dating him. I think the list helped me get into a head space where I finally decided I was happier being alone than with a guy who treated me like shit. That’s ultimately what the list is about. And it worked (even if we don’t stay together forever, I would still say it worked because he’s da bomb).
I’ve seen FAR more stringent and insane lists from men and women that I think pass the test of “unrealistic” more more than her list does (i.e. must have these measurements, must have that car, must have this job, must make that much money, must not have kids, must be this tall, must own home, must be that ethnicity, must enjoy this or that activity, must have all kinds of superficial qualities that have nothing to do with anything in the long haul). I think she’s just laying out what an emotionally mature adult male looks like in detail. But it seems pretty obvious to me that the list is more for herself than for any guy to actually look at. And as she says, the guy who is like this is probably looking for a woman like this anyway.
Okay, so people have made worse lists, that doesn’t change the fact this one is ridiculous.
This isn’t an “emotionally mature adult male.”
If this is what you think a man is, you don’t know men at all. For starters, men in general are not great communicators because their brains are wired differently. They also don’t have EQ, because, again they are different. They don’t have that sensitivity to other’s emotions that females have. And either he’s isn’t confident or he is, in which case he wouldn’t be vulnerable. I could go on.
Have you met even one man who fit everything on her list?
I’m going to assume at this point that there’s nothing I can say that will convince you of the validity of her list and there’s nothing you can say that will convince me of the opposite, so I’m gonna bow out now. I think comment sections are just about the worst place to have real discussions of fundamental (differing) beliefs about stuff, which is why I rarely comment on anything like this and kicked myself immediately after doing so. If you ever wanna chat about it in real time (chat, skype, phone), you can contact me through my blog http://www.heavyme.com and I’m totally up for it. I’m on vacation!
I agree it’s hard to have a good discussion in this format. I will check your blog out.
Don’t ever kick yourself for voicing your opinion! That is what is great about Freedom of Speech.
Read my new blog on the male equiv of her list. See if that changes your mind.
http://stakedintheheart.com/2012/08/08/male-equivalent-of-the-crazy-cat-lady-non-negotiable-list/
I fall in love with your blog more and more every time i read it.
Salut!
Thanks. I appreciate your interest.
It seems like there are too many people, especially women, going out into the dating world with too many criteria, prerequisites and sky high standards. If you want to succeed, go into it with an OPEN MIND. You will most likely be surprised. Don’t write someone off just because they don’t seem to be your ‘type’ upon the first impression. You don’t know them yet, you have no idea what ‘type’ they are. And I wish people would understand that relationships are two way streets. If you can’t offer the same qualities and standards that you are asking for than you have no right to ask for them.
Agreed.
My advice to her: instead of having an elaborate list, go places where men hang out, like the golf course, and start dating whoever is attracted to her.
She may have had a long list, but life finds us and teaches us. You seem very judgmental to have recopied her list and made a blog about her to laugh at. It’s mean spirited, not very sisterly at all and I’m always suspect of women who are too quick to cut other women down. You’re welcome to delete my response too, since I’m not one of the yessers on here going “Haha, you’re RIGHT. That’s so GREAT!” O_o
I rarely delete comments. You are entitled to your opinion. I believe in Freedom of Speech.
That also means I am entitled to MY opinion, and this is it: her list is so stupid, so utterly ridiculous that it begs to be mocked. Sorry.
Just because you don’t agree with her wants/needs does not warrant completely disregarding them & pushing your views on her. Stating your opinion is totally cool, just be respectful. She listed qualites that she can do with/without so that she could see for herself what she’s been looking for. You’re right in saying that she put it out there, so people are free to say what they want, but I think that it takes courage to be honest with yourself & others about what you want.
Your honesty is appreciated, but the snark isn’t really needed. Nice blog by the way (that’s a genuine compliment, no sarcasm).
Take care & play nice.
Thanks for the lecture, daddy.
Welcome hon. Take care.
Wish more women thought the way you do, Carolina.
This list is actually a fairly reasonable one and it’s hard to argue with. However, I’ve seen longer, and frankly unrealistic lists that some have put together.
You can have any “list” you wish. As long as you want. As detailed as you wish. But it doesn’t mean you’ll necessarily get it.
Lists can put people in danger of being overly-picky or over-value themselves in the dating market (which is a complex formula based on your looks, your situation, where you live and the availability of what you want where you live, your personality, etc etc etc). I mean, a man could say that’s he’s only going to date 24 year-old underwear models who think the sun rises and sets in his pants — but it doesn’t mean he actually has the attributes and lives somewhere were he can land this type of person.
Smart people don’t date with an impossible list of demands. Instead, they adjust their expectations to what their market will bear.
Or they will end up alone. Dating is not a matter of getting everything you want in someone (as if they were an automobile or something). It’s about loving someone for who they are and being loved back for who you are.
As I said, I can’t really argue with that list much — other than to most men, when a woman utters that a man must be “successful” or “financially stable,” she’s saying that she wants a wealthy man and that’s a turn off for most men as it is considered superficial. At least this person didn’t list too much that’s physically related, although I’m guessing those attributes are in her head, and she doesn’t want to appear shallow. And that’s fair.
but all in all, I think it’s a decent list. It’s not unreasonable. And it’s not overreaching for a divorced mom to want to find in a man.
That list is beyond ridiculous and sometimes even contradictory.
Since you think it’s so “reasonable” I assume you meet every requirement on it. Great! You can hook up with her then. Go to her blog and introduce yourself.
LOL. No, I didn’t say that either. I’m hardly perfect. I just didn’t think that was such an unreasonable list.
Wow, you have like some sort of weird, knee-jerk defensiveness, don’t ya?
I’m just responding to your being absurd. Her list is cray-cray. Let’s call it like it is.
the babe in the picture with the article will never end up alone! lol!
She seems to know what she wants – a perfect man. Some said they exist.
But, she also wants a man who is willing to grow. If he’s already perfect, how is that possible?
Imperfectly perfect.
Reblogged this on Life In The Dash Lane (1962 – ?) and commented:
Obviously, according to these folks, I’ll end up as a cat lady. I’ve actually seen quite a few bloggers post my “non-negotiables” list on their blogs and then attack it. That’s okay with me. As I’m a person who doesn’t mind criticism, I’m reblogging this one as I found it to be the harshest of the lot.
This is the harshest? I take exception to that. What I Desired to Say’s was way more harsh than me saying you’re going to end up a cat lady.
If you don’t want people to make fun of your list for a perfect man, don’t put it on a public blog anyone in the world can read!
And here all I want is a man who doesn’t lie, has a job and a car. Did I mention the part about not lying?
Her list is absofrackinglutely ridiculous – this is exactly why men lie. (Did I mention that lying is a critical non-starter for me?)
Thanks for sharing the silly today – I needed that.
>clink<
is this a taste of the future for the western world, or are more women going to wise up and realize that a man is not an entitlement?
I know this: men can survive just fine on their own.
I think this is what women are like now, judging from the online dating profiles I’ve read. They all have this laundry list of what they want/don’t want in a man, but not one word of what they are bringing to the relationship. That’s interesting to me.
And yes, I’ve been trying to get the message out there: men can do without women just fine.
I went over the list and . . . is 3 out of 27 a good percentage?
And we have a winner!
I’ll tell her you’re available.
Available I am, but I prefer pictures first.
You’re so shallow, Shoe!
But then I always tell my girlfriends: men don’t masturbate to images of your bubbling personality.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been with women who became cuter as you got to know them (uglier too), but if we’re all being honest it all obviously begins with a physical attraction.
It does, and instead of bemoaning that fact, women should embrace it. No one is saying women have to all be supermodels, but asking women to keep themselves fit, groomed and in decent clothes is not too much to ask.
Same for men. Couldn’t agree more.
mehhh, pretty average score I’d have thought.
What ‘she’ should do is start keeping statistics on the droves of men that try to get it on with her. Let’s see some analysis of how frequently men ‘measure up’ in each department. There’s a research paper to be had, one that the wimminz studies’ gang will love
Dang. That puts my list to shame:
- funny
- taller than me
- takes care of personal hygiene
hahaha
And yet, you will have trouble meeting someone who fits this.
I have noticed, haha.
I remember when I was dating and seriously, I was wondering if the only requirement I could fill for a man was 1) had a pulse.
It was bad out there. Well, you’ve read my stories.
What a woman! Where do I contact her? LOL! follow up post on my blog coming up later today!
Here is MY response to that person: http://whatidesiredtosay.wordpress.com/2012/08/06/fantasy-vs-reality/
I commented on your blog about this. Absolutely hilarious!!!
I gave you the link to her website so you can see it for yourself and share it with her personally.
http://lifeinthedashlane.wordpress.com/2012/06/02/the-non-negotiables-list-impossible-even-for-a-super-man/
Lol. She commented on my post saying I took her words out of context. Lmao!
Did you read her detailed explanations of all of them? My god. You didn’t take them out of context. You took them as they were.
Yeah. she is going to end up the crazy cat lady. LOL!
No one has even mentioned the fact that sometimes what you think you want when you get it is the worst thing for you. She sounds like a woman that this perfect man would be dropped in her lap and she still wouldn’t be happy. At least a lot of cats will be getting a new home
She’s holding but for a superman, but she’ll have hot, dirty sex with the next jobless bad-boy to cross her radar. That’s why she’s a single mum in the first place.
If she wants Superman, than she better be superwoman! Or at least Lois Lane.
G-E-N-I-U-S!!! I’ve spent the past decade trying to say this to people. Mr/Ms Perfect does not exist and if they did they would certainly pass you over because you come nowhere near to what they want.
People have got to be more rational when thinking about relationships. Put yourself on a grid and be honest. Stop pretending you’re an 8 when you’re actually a 5.5 on a good day. Be honest about your professional life and life experience too.
If you’ve never been to Europe but want a well travelled partner, chances are they’re not going to be into you or want to spend the next few years answering questions about their travels.
You make minimum wage and require a wealthy professional partner… chances are- fat chance…
Well said. Good point on how someone who has all that going for them isn’t going to want the person demanding of it.
People need to get real about relationships, like you said. If you’re a 5 on a beauty scale, don’t expect to land a 10.
I think it’s toddlers and tiaras syndrome. Parents keep telling their kids that they’re perfect even if they’re not and some kids end up believing it. How many awful singers have we seen on idol or any of those talent shows saying: “but I know I’m good, I really want it”- well, tough luck, I say. Some people just aren’t going to make it and the first step to having a decent life is recognizing our limitations.
I was lucky in that I was extremely self-aware, so by my mid twenties I knew more or less what I could bargain for in relationships and work…
My apologies to the Dumb & The Ugly if that sounds cold, but that’s real life
That is an excellent point about Toddlers and Tiaras. There’s this documentary about child actors who live in this apartment in LA while trying to break into show biz. They are not talented, not attractive, but their mothers think they are stars.
What would help if those children were forced to listen to themselves sing and then be asked, “Now did that sound good to you?” There’s a whole industry in LA that feeds off these hopefuls by taking their pictures, charging them for acting lessons. Everyone lies to them. “Oh, you can do it. Just hang in there!”
What they need is the truth. Not necessarily be told they aren’t pretty because that’s not nice, just don’t tell them they are going to be the next Angelina Jolie.
I’m more curious to what kind of comments you got blasted with, when you told her to get real…lol
She told me she was “willing to hold out” and that she deserved her “Superman” . She also thanked me for my honest comment.
She probably has already had people tell her she’s nuts for that list.
“superman” seems to be the common wish list among middle aged women. I did try to convince one to try for a Batman instead of her superman…lol. because Batman is more feasible and the impossible superman…lol
Btw, when I went to your website to read about you, I noticed she’s one of your blog readers. LOL
lol, I just responded to your other comment on this. Question should be asked. Why hold out for impossible superman when batman is more readily available…lol
Wow, I thought I had a tall order on my demands list! I am only 30…? Hmmm. http://younganddivorced.com/2012/08/13/fantasy-dating/