It’s time for our once-a-week celeb sex tape review with actor Colin Farrell banging black model Nicole Narain. She was a Playboy Playmate in 2002.
Colin is completely shaved bald, with a black goatee. He didn’t look like a rugged movie star; he looked like a Neo-Nazi.
One of the oddest things about the video is that they are in a dirty, cheap ass apartment I can only assume is hers. And there’s a fluffy white cat who disdainfully observes them. Nothing sets the mood for sexy time like an animal watching and judging.
Colin is hung okay and Nicole quickly starts giving head. Literally. She puts the head only in her mouth, and uses her hand on the rest of his shaft. It’s standard Evasive Blow Job Maneuver #2 when one doesn’t really want to put a cock in their actual mouth. (Maneuver #1 is described in Kim K’s sex tape review. It’s the double hand-over-hand method to ensure not having to put your mouth on anything but the very tip.) These celebitches are sneaky weasels at cock sucking avoidance.
Turn-off occurs when Nicole gets Colin’s wiry naughty hairs caught in her teeth, stops and complains about it—a lot.
In his thick Irish accent Colin tells Nicole repeatedly, “You are so fucking beautiful.” Of course, every woman is a beauty Queen when she’s got her mouth wrapped around a guys’ dick tip.
Then they have unprotected intercourse. (Rumor is that’s the only way Colin will do it.) This is an unwise move with a drunken actor like Colin. Who knows how many women he’s banged? He probably doesn’t even remember. Unprotected sex with celebs can lead to joining the Derek Jeter Herpes Tree.
Btw, this tree is apparently real. These celebs can allegedly trace their herpes straight back to Derek Jeter. The top row of women from left is Jessica Alba, Mariah Carey, Scarlet Johansson, Jessica Biel, and Vanessa Minnillo. The guys include Marky Wahlberg, Justin Timberlake, Eminem, Orlando Bloom, Nick Lachey, Ryan Reynolds, Josh Hartnett and a couple others I don’t recognize.
Nicole reverse cowgirls Colin, but the sight of her bizarre horseshoe tramp stamp is unappealing. Normally, this would be enjoyable XXX action, but instead you are distracted, thinking, what’s up with that fugly tat? Does she want to be a farrier?
Important Sex Tip: Ladies, when your man is bending you over, he would rather see hair on your back than some some ugly ass tattoo. Remember, if you’re in a long -term relationship, he’s gonna have to look at thing many times. Do you really want the Blessed Virgin Mary staring up at him with recriminating eyes when he’s doing the nasty?
Back to the action: We get to see Colin do some oral on her, she moans and responds with more enthusiasm than celeb-u-tards Paris and Kim. Then they change positions and the video just ends. Yawn.
Like Paris Hilton, Nicole is also rumored to have banged Kevin “Britney Spears’ Ex-hubby” Federline. I mean, how is it possible this slob gets so much tail? He doesn’t even look like he’s into personal hygiene.
After her infamous tape with Colin “leaked” onto the internet, Nicole went on Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew. She claimed in interviews that sex was her food, that she masturbated constantly, adding it was “exhausting.” It’s amazing she can still see.
Rating: 1 Erect Penis out of Five.
It’s interesting to watch Colin have sex, at least for women and the gays. There’s really not much here for heterosexual males to enjoy.
To see the Dustin Diamond’s infamous “Dirty Sanchez” sex tape review go here.
To see Paris Hilton’s sex tape review go here.
To see Kim Kardashian’s sex tape review go here.
To see The Three Hot Chicks On Porn Reviews go here.