controversial relationship advice

Review of Colin Farrell and Playmate Nicole Narain’s Sex Tape

It’s time for our once-a-week celeb sex tape review with actor Colin Farrell banging black model Nicole Narain. She was a Playboy Playmate in 2002.

Colin is completely shaved bald, with a black goatee. He didn’t look like a rugged movie star; he looked like a Neo-Nazi.

One of the oddest things about the video is that they are in a dirty, cheap ass apartment I can only assume is hers. And there’s a fluffy white cat who disdainfully observes them. Nothing sets the mood for sexy time like an animal watching and judging.

He looks like every felon I’ve ever seen in documentaries of San Quentin

Colin is hung okay and Nicole quickly starts giving head. Literally. She puts the head only in her mouth, and uses her hand on the rest of his shaft. It’s standard Evasive Blow Job Maneuver #2 when one doesn’t really want to put a cock in their actual mouth.  (Maneuver #1 is described in Kim K’s sex tape review. It’s the double hand-over-hand method to ensure not having to put your mouth on anything but the very tip.) These celebitches are sneaky weasels at cock sucking avoidance.

Turn-off occurs when Nicole gets Colin’s wiry naughty hairs caught in her teeth, stops and complains about it—a lot.

Nicole Narain

In his thick Irish accent Colin tells Nicole repeatedly, “You are so fucking beautiful.” Of course, every woman is a beauty Queen when she’s got her mouth wrapped around a guys’ dick tip.

Then they have unprotected intercourse. (Rumor is that’s the only way Colin will do it.) This is an unwise move with a drunken actor like Colin. Who knows how many women he’s banged? He probably doesn’t even remember. Unprotected sex with celebs can lead to joining the Derek Jeter Herpes Tree.

Btw, this tree is apparently real. These celebs can allegedly trace their herpes straight back to Derek Jeter. The top row of women from left is Jessica Alba, Mariah Carey, Scarlet Johansson, Jessica Biel, and Vanessa Minnillo. The guys include Marky Wahlberg, Justin Timberlake, Eminem, Orlando Bloom, Nick Lachey, Ryan Reynolds, Josh Hartnett and a couple others I don’t recognize.

Nicole reverse cowgirls Colin, but the sight of her bizarre horseshoe tramp stamp is unappealing. Normally, this would be enjoyable XXX action, but instead you are distracted, thinking, what’s up with that fugly tat? Does she want to be a farrier?

Important Sex Tip: Ladies, when your man is bending you over, he would rather see hair on your back than some some ugly ass tattoo. Remember, if you’re in a long -term relationship, he’s gonna have to look at thing many times. Do you really want the Blessed Virgin Mary staring up at him with recriminating eyes when he’s doing the nasty?

Back to the action: We get to see Colin do some oral on her, she moans and responds with more enthusiasm than celeb-u-tards Paris and Kim. Then they change positions and the video just ends. Yawn.

Like Paris Hilton, Nicole is also rumored to have banged Kevin “Britney Spears’ Ex-hubby” Federline. I mean, how is it possible this slob gets so much tail? He doesn’t even look like he’s into personal hygiene.

Another kid thinks Kevin Federline is his father

After her infamous tape with Colin “leaked” onto the internet, Nicole went on Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew. She claimed in interviews that sex was her food, that she masturbated constantly, adding it was “exhausting.” It’s amazing she can still see.

Rating:  1 Erect Penis out of Five.

It’s interesting to watch Colin have sex, at least for women and the gays. There’s really not much here for heterosexual males to enjoy.

To see the Dustin Diamond’s infamous “Dirty Sanchez” sex tape review go here. 

To see Paris Hilton’s sex tape review go here.

To see Kim Kardashian’s sex tape review go here.

To see The Three Hot Chicks On Porn Reviews go here.

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39 Responses »

  1. Pretty part of content. I simply stumbled upon your webite and in accession capital to claim that I acquire
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  2. Oh so she models the product known as “black”? Or was it super pertinent to note that she is black? Sheesh. “Playboy playmate” would have sufficed.

  3. (1) I do like the very start of the tape where she’s standing near the TV and then turns toward the camera and shows us what she’s got. Not bad, what she’s got. (2) Does anyone have any theories on why Colin Farrell gets more action than Hugh Hefner in his prime? My basic reason for watching this video was to try to figure that one out, and I’m still at a loss. (3) I once knew a woman who had this MASSIVE dragon tat all over her back. Ugliest thing ever. Scariest thing ever. I said, “You intend to go through life like that?” and our relationship went south really quickly. Hmm. I probably could have been more diplomatic eh.

  4. Lmao this was too funny

  5. ok the only reason Colin Farrell had a shaved head and a dark beard is because he was probably filming the movie Dare-Devil, which he played bullseye who’s character had a shaved head and dark beard. Look it up.

  6. “Evasive measures” with one or both hands are often a survival mechanism when the gentleman is very large or too vigorously enthusiastic about my skilled ministrations. You should do a post on these tactics. Dos and donts for men and women.

  7. “evasive blowjob maneuver”

    HAHAHAHA!!!!
    Well played Miss, well played.

  8. Wait. Having a shaved-head and goatee makes you look like a Neo-Nazi? Uh-oh.

  9. You are good at making my day. I didn’t know this existed and I think we both know what I am doing later….just to double check you. You know how it goes.

  10. Colin has the bad-ass look.That’s very attractive and Alpha.

    BTW,I’m not caught up in this Playmate hype where guys seem to pedestal them.

  11. Marky Wahlberg? Does that mean your stuck between my generation who knew Marky Mark and the new generation who knows him as Mark Wahlberg?
    Or are you pretending you’re not from my generation? Hmmmmmm???? Hmmmmmm???????

  12. Well now I would not fuck Kim Kardashian or Paris Hilton with Kevin Federlines dick with Colin Farrell pushing, those are some nasty hoe’s

Trackbacks

  1. The Top Five Hottest Batshit Crazy Celebrity Stalkers | Staked in the Heart
  2. 1 Night In Paris – A Review of Paris Hilton’s Sex Tape | Staked in the Heart
  3. A Review of Infamous “Dirty Sanchez” Celeb Sex Tape | Staked in the Heart
  4. Kim Kardashian’s Sex Tape: A Semi-Unbiased Review | Staked in the Heart

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