A Politically Incorrect Zone with No BS

Where No Buffoon Has Gone Before…Prometheus Review

This is our creator. His DNA matches ours exactly. We are apparently blue and made of wax

I’m a huge fan of the Alien franchise, but Prometheus sucks.

The film opens with amazing special effects as we watch a humanoid male dissolve himself in the waters of Earth to seed all the life here with his DNA. It goes downhill from there.

 

 

The infamous black goo that is never explained

The story is about a motley crew of idiots sent to explore an alien moon for evidence of our creators. The crew, who were supposedly handpicked for their expertise in various fields, don’t follow any kind of basic infection control or quarantine procedures. They remove their helmets, freely tromp through black alien goo, spread infection through intimate personal contact, don’t wear gloves when examining alien stuff, and open the doors to the ship to let other infected crew members attack them. It’s as if they failed an exam for common sense and were told, “You’re hired!”

 

 

There are so many holes and implausible behavior it’s laughable. For instance, this tough guy snarls to fellow crew mates, “I’m not here to make friends. My job is to protect you.” He’s the first one to run like a little bitch when they are in the alien lair, and promptly gets himself killed.

Charlie isn’t bothered by a ‘lil ole alien worm in his eye

 

Another crew member, Charlie, sees a worm wiggling in his eye.You’d think he’d run from his bathroom screaming, “MY GOD! I HAVE AN ALIEN WORM IN MY EYE!!”  But, no. He doesn’t bother to mention this to anyone. He then has unprotected sex with crew mate, Elizabeth.

After her sexy time with Charlie, Elizabeth discovers she is pregnant with an alien. You’d think she’d scream, “I’m preggers with an alien!! Some help would be nice people!” But no. She uses a high-tech medical device to cut the baby out herself. Now she should be shrieking, “MY GOD! YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE HIDEOUS ALIEN SQUID THAT CHARLIE GOT ME PREGNANT WITH!” But no. She doesn’t mention this to anyone.

 

 

Charlie Jr.

It’s unclear what the purpose of the black goo is, what the relationship is between the creators and “the aliens” or just what the hell is going on in this movie.

In the middle of this clusterf**k of confusion is a smarmy android named David. David is up to no good, infecting crew members with goo, lying, trying to force Elizabeth to carry the alien baby, but we don’t know his motivations. He has been brought on the expedition because he can read and speak the alien language.  At one point, the crew find a live creator in stasis and awaken him. It’s the biggest moment of the film. Finally, we can ask our creators the meaning of life.  Why are we here? Is there a God? Tell us a little about yourselves. But no.

David, the metrosexual android

The android can translate what the creator says, but he doesn’t. We have no clue what they say to one another. Whatever is said causes our creator to fly into a rage and he kills almost all the remaining crew. The film ends with Elizabeth and  David getting on a ship and heading to the home world of the creators to “talk” to them. Yeah, cause that first little chat ended so well.

She should be thinking, “Gee, I got impregnated by calamari. My fiancé became The Thing and had to be killed. Everyone died except me. This android is responsible for much of the mayhem and can’t be trusted. I need to go home and have a good soak in the tub.” But, no. She wants to spend more quality time with the black goo and the creators. It makes no sense.

Here our creator speaks to David, but we aren’t in on their convo

Rating:  Two Stars out of five. Watch for the special effects. Turning the sound off might help.

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