You asked for it, and you’ve got it. Another celeb-u-tard sex tape review.
1 Night in Paris starring Paris Hilton and Rick Salomon should have been titled 1 Night in a French Morgue because as far as sex goes, Paris is deader than Kim Kardashian. At least Kim attempts to fake orgasm; Paris couldn’t be bothered. Even when her co-star is eating her, it’s like Paris is the zombie.
Paris is filmed doing the nasty in an pricey hotel room, just like Kim K. What’s with these rich celebitches, don’t they ever get banged in their own 2000-thread count sheets? Or are they worried one of their servants might surreptitiously film them and then — horrors — leak the tape?
Let’s review the resume of Rick Salomon, who was deemed worthy enough to enter the hallowed hall of the great Paris Hilton. He must be something really special.
Rick’s nickname is “Scum.” He refers to himself as a gambling magnate. (He meant to say “magnet”.)
His claim to fame is…..moving his dick in and out of Paris’s vagina and taping it. He’s a skeev. How this guy manages to even get to see vagina—let alone bone women—is beyond me. (And he was married to both Pam Anderson and Shannon Doherty.)
Another skeev Paris has let up all in her business is Joe “Girls Gone Wild” Francis. She’s also rumored to have banged Kevin “Britney Spears Ex-hubby” Federline. Keep in mind, Paris wouldn’t lower herself to give you directions if you were hopelessly lost, but she f*cked them.
Back to 1 Night in the Rue Morgue – The video is not really one night, but a series of clumsy encounters. Some of them are filmed in green night vision, where Rick and Paris look like raccoons caught red-handed snarfing out of garbage cans.
The XXX action is interrupted often by Paris’ phone ringing which leads to such sizzling dialogue as:
“Let me get my phone!”
“F**k your phone!”
“I wanna see your pussy!”
“Rick, you’re disgusting!”
and “That’s hawt!”
Paris spends a lot of time admiring herself in the mirror, while flirting with Scum, who is behind the camera. At one point he suggests she stick a magnum bottle of Cristal champagne in her vadge. Now that’s class. Who wants to stick a bottle of cheap domestic shit up their cooch?
The only reason Scum had the camera out was because he wanted to capture his own dick on film. He strokes himself constantly, which is truly nauseating to witness. Although, in his defense, maybe that was done to stay hard since he’d have to be into necrophilia in order to stay excited around The French Zombie.
Highlights include: Paris gagging as she gives some decent head, and close-ups of Scum banging away at her vadge while she lays there silently clawing at her clit.
Rating: One a scale where 5 Erect Penises is the hottest action possible, this rates a 1 Limp Dick.
Click here to read the review on Kim Kardashian’s sex tape.
Click here to read the review of the infamous “Dirty Sanchez” celeb sex tape
Click here to read the review of Colin Farrell’s sex tape.
Click here to read The Three Hot Chicks on Porn’s hilarious review of “Another Night in Chyna”