Recently, Kris Jenner has come under fire for suspicion of being the master-mind behind the planning, staging and releasing of Kim’s scandalous sex tape. Trust me. She isn’t responsible.
I’ve seen Kim’s tape. I was forced to watch it. I didn’t want to.
It was clear no one directed the embarrassing abomination known as “Kim Kardashian Superstar.”
First of all, Kim K and Ray J are two of the most unimaginative “lovers” out there. There are no sex toys, no role playing, no kink. Not even a lousy pair of pink fluffy handcuffs. There is no steamy foreplay where he slowly rips her clothes off or teases her with his tongue.
What we get is Kim prancing around in a robe and expensive lingerie, probably purchased at Agent Provocateur, you know, $800 panties. Those come off pretty quickly because—God forbid—she doesn’t want that fancy French lace to get
torn crusty stains on it.
She and Ray J both smack gum the entire time like two cows chewing cud. I had a revelation watching them. I realized chewing gum, and having sex at the same time is not sexy. At. All.
The ancient hotel phone in their room piercingly rings. Ray J answers it—in the middle of their getting down to business—because who wants to miss that important call from hotel staff about whether you need more towels or not?
They both pose and play up to the camera constantly. I’m not sure who they think their audience is. But maybe they know that some day the world will be seeing them doing the nasty.
Okay, here’s the fun part you’ve been waiting for: Kim gives Ray J a perfunctory blow job. She uses the clever two-handed method created by women so we don’t have to actually go all the way down a man’s meat shaft. Kim barely dips his tip into her
greedy unwilling mouth before quickly spitting it out. (It’s obvious that’s one more job Kim doesn’t want to work at. )
Ray J gives her oral, and she lies there unmoving like a slice of cold lox waiting silently to be smeared with cream-cheese.
Its hard to tell which entry he goes in because of the camera angle, but he does her doggie style while she lies on her stomach on the bed. (I’m thinking Greek.) He pounds her bulbous buttucks region like a champ.
Kim moans and screams over and over, like a broken record, “Oh, shit BABY, oh shit BABY, oh shit BABY, oh shit BABY….” But she changes things up for her man by varying the rhythm and word emphasis, “Oh, baby SHIT, oh baby SHIT, oh baby SHIT….”
Then to get him to hurry up already and cum–’cause she’s bored and getting sore—she fakes orgasm.
She grunts and cries out repeatedly, “BABY, I’M CUMMING! I’M CUMMING! I’M EXPLODING ON YOUR COCK!!!! I’M JUST EXPLODING BABY!!”
Kim needs to watch more videos done by highly trained professionals so she can learn some tips on how to properly fake an orgasm.
RATING: With the highest score being a possible 5 Erect Penises, this gets a 1 Limp Dick.
Click here to see the 1 Night in Paris sex tape review.
Click here to see the infamous “Dirty Sanchez” celeb sex tape review.
Click here to see the review of Colin Farrell’s sex tape.
Check out The Three Hot Chicks on Porn’s hilarious review of “Another Night in Chyna” here