A Politically Incorrect Zone with No BS

He Doesn’t Want to be Your Effing Friend!!

Even this nice young man just wants to bone this nice young woman

Ladies, here’s the deal with the “friend” thing. Guys, no matter their age, don’t need or want friends who are females. They have their guy friends to hang out with, play sports, go to games. And guys prefer their guy friends for most activities.

It can happen, where you have a genuine male friend (with no benefits), but when he gets a real girlfriend or wife, you’re history. Unless you become his mistress.

Men primarily want women for one thing, and one thing only: SEX.

Oh sure, men want female companionship sometimes, but any personal relationship a man has with a woman is incidental to his primary desire to have sex with her.

This is what he’s really thinking

In other words, if it weren’t for our vaginas, men would have nothing to do with us.

You know when that guy from your past—that you didn’t have sex with back then—emails out of the blue asking how you are doing? He doesn’t care how you are doing. He isn’t getting in touch so you two can swap Martha Stewart recipes for homemade marshmallows. He putting out feelers to find out what his chances are of boning you now.

And to that email guy, and to every other male you’ve ever encountered you didn’t sleep with:  you’re just a woman they haven’t boned yet.

So here’s the deal. When a man says he wants to be “friends” with you, it can mean ONLY one of two things:

He’s letting you down gently ’cause he’s not interested in you (sexually).

-Or he’s pretending to be your friend, but has ulterior motives. He will act all casual, all strictly clean and “friend-like,” but he’s using the “friendship” to put you off guard, to worm his way into your inner circle and get close enough to—bang you.

Let me repeat this: That dude you’re emailing/texting/whatevering just wants to sleep with you. That’s it. He doesn’t want to go shopping, go to a sporting event, watch a movie, meet your family, or eat with you. He’s only going through all that bullshit so he can eventually……what?

That’s right, bang you.

See video example of what I’m saying here:

http://shoeuntied.wordpress.com/2012/04/26/wait-everybody-didnt-know-this-already/

 

 

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139 Responses »

  1. This article is rather dissapointing because it’s basically saying that men give no fucks about a woman whatsoever and they see a vagina not a human being? What kind of monster is that?

  2. In the past I would have 100% agreed with you! But ever since college I have come to see that this is not always the case. 99% of the time it is, but I have been blessed with an amazing friendship that proves that there are men out there who are mature enough to handle a truly 100% Platonic relationship with an attractive woman. My friend Hector and I have been friends since college(4 years). We became very close and requested each other as roommates in the dorms. A few weeks later he met his girlfriend. They have been together ever since and him and I have been roomates ever since. His girl lived with us on one occasion but for the past 2 years she has been in college in North Carolina.
    I met my handsome bf 3 years ago:)
    Hector and I are still roomates and I know this man better than almost anyone. We have never even come close to being intimate! We live together, work together, do shows together and are the best of friends without any of that other crap getting in the way. He loves his woman and(Hopefully she isn’t seeing this) plans on marrying her sooner rather than later!! 🙂 What we have is super rare! I have tried to have friendships with other men I have met but none were as pure as this one. So yes he is rare but it proves that the platonic friendships we seek can be found.

    • Yes, of course, there are RARE times when a man and woman can be just friends, but is not the norm.

      It is also highly unusual that Hector’s woman doesn’t mind you living together and hanging out all the time. Frankly, she is being an idiot. She shouldn’t allow it because one day the two of you are going to lock eyes…and BAM… you’re gonna decide that you’re meant to be together.

      Lesson of the Day: Never allow another woman to get close to your man. Case in point: all the nannies who snagged some actress’s husband away from her, like Robin Williams, or Woody Harrelson, etc., How about the maid Arnold got pregnant at the same time he knocked up his wife, Maria. Maria should have spent less time hanging out with Oprah and more time in her own kitchen.

  3. Met a guy online. We talked a bit, texted a bit and I was hoping to make it to a first date. Seemed o.k. until he pulled out the friendship first caveat. I told him I’m not looking for friends. Then he got honest and said maybe he wasn’t feeling the chemistry so I got honest and agreed with him. Told him I’m a passionate person and I’m certainly not online looking for more friends. I think that surprised him a bit because I suspect at that point he thought he had the upper hand. Anyhow, I stopped the correspondence completely and two weeks later he texts me to say “hi” at some ungodly hour. At this point I’m starting to feel suspiciously like a booty call and we haven’t even met in person yet…

    If we were have to become intimate partners clearly there’s already some level of friendship implied. If we were to have broken up, friendship would have been irrelevant because distance would have been necessary to heal.

    I think that in order to find love there is always a big risk and vulnerability involved. If you stay in your safety zone, you’ll always get what you get.

    A few years ago. I probably would have fallen for that craps because I was emotionally unavailable. It’s amazing how you begin to cut through the crap when you learn to get real with yourself and others.

    • So this guy was using the “I just want to be friends” line hoping to have sex with you with no strings attached because men don’t really want women to be their “friend.”

      Good for you for seeing through that crap.

      One thing to remember is that when you haven’t met someone in person, you truly haven’t met them. It’s hard to have “chemistry” with someone online. Wait until you see them in person, then make that determination.

  4. Saw this video today and thought I HAD to pass it on to you… It’s called women are pervs too:
    http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=fe9_1389892607

  5. So true! You should not and I repeat, SHOULD NOT, be “friends” with a guy in which you wanted different than a “friend.” Men are not mysterious. A man who wants to be with you will make a conscientious effort to be with you. I’ve had guys give me these following reason;
    -I just want to be friends
    -I’m not looking for a relationship right now
    -I don’t feel the chemistry (this reason by far is very stupid)

    When these reasons are given or any reason that implies, “I don’t have time for YOU” is when you need to run, run, run, as fast as you can in the other direction. Don’t hurt your ego by running after him. Leave him alone. Let him search for what he wants. You don’t need to convince anybody to be with you. Not only is it unhealthy but not fair for you. There is someone waiting for you out there. If you concentrate your edforts on somebody you doesn’t want you the same way, you are holding yourself back from law of life. Clear clutter out of your life. Don’t hang on to someone who doesn’t want to hang on to you. Love yourself first and you will see how easy love will come to you. Cliche but it is very true.

    Live, learn, love…. Do you see how live & learn come before LOVE? Do those things first before you seek love.

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  7. I wish i had found your blog sooner i could have weighed in on this while relevant But…
    From my experiences no they can’t TRULY be friends in the true sense of what friendship is. A female friend is ethier:
    -Unattractive
    – Off limits with respect to marital status (married)
    – She friend zoned you verbally (you are a great friend, i think we should just be friends) which is basically her saying “im not attracted to you in an intimate sense” and if you stick around after that, you are wasting your time.

    No man goes out to meet women under the pretense of forming a friendship. NONE. They are lying if they say they do. Friendships with women form under conditions that put them off limits due to status (married,your boss,batshit crazy, friend’s girl)
    Thats reality. Its not that every man is looking for sex its that men are the primary drive behind the beginning of a relationship. We introduce,court, make all the first moves by AN OVERWELMING MAJORITY of the time in a relationship’s development.

  8. Yup, this is true. I have a gf and I definitely see my other girl FRIENDS a lot less. I have enough “girl” in my life from my girlfriend so if I want a break I hang out with my guy friends. Or I hang out with my other girl FRIENDS who are like dudes.

  9. So much truth. Thank you.. the honesty is refreshing. I’m sorry you got so much hate male on it. It really gets the hamsters riled when you force them the run extra hard on the wheel.

    • Oh, people got NASTY and insulting. Telling me my dad was abusive, and I had mental problems. (He wasn’t.)

      But you can’t psychoanalyze someone over the internet about their parents. Please.

      Interestingly enough, a study in the Journal of Psychology came out the other day citing that male and females can’t be in platonic relationships, mostly due to the male wanting to have sex with the female.

      • If not for evolution of civilization, men and women would never be friends. Cavemen didn’t ‘friend’ cavewomen. They just fucked and did their roles to care for offspring. End of story. Once civilization was being built and we needed rules/morals to guide society and a docile population to work to produce/buy/consume, we had religion, and assortive mating that put rules on courtship and mating and higher interaction between the sexes beyond just reproduction. Then feminism finally killed it in so many ways i wont bother to elaborate. Point is men hang out with men, women SHOULD hang out with women and the 2 only get together for sex. But women didn’t like hanging with women dealing with catty issues, gossip, etc.. But guys don’t work like that. They see a vagina, they know they want it. Once girls started being ‘friends’ with guys, they also tried to feminize them by doing things they would with their girlfriends. If you want a girlfriend.. hang out with GIRLS! Don’t ask guys to do girly stuff or get pissed when they don’t want to go see ‘the Notebook’ or walk along the beach and sniff flowers. If a guy does relent, it’s not because he appreciates it or wants to enjoy time with you as a friend.. he’s hoping this display of whatever will earn him a shot at the V.

        Can men and women be friends? I’d say they can be acquaintances, work chums, even activity partners. But friends where there might be emotional involvement or serious time or resource commitments? No, that’s just a road leading to a cliff.

        I included this video in a post i made about why platonic isn’t possible for me.
        http://youtu.be/Ym4imlnMalc

        http://whoism3.wordpress.com/2012/07/04/why-platonic-is-not-possible-for-me/

  10. I think the ultimate test to the veracity of this statement is simply this. Ask the male, if she wanted to, would you have sex with her? Most, if not all would say yes. Ask the same question of the female, and they’d most likely say no, or even be repulsed by the idea.

    While the comment that men are only interested in women because of their vaginas is hyperbolic, I would contend that sex, or at least the potential for sex, is usually a constant in any ‘platonic’ male/female friendship. Women have a lot of peccadilloes that men can find extremely irritating, for which they’d either shame or drop their male friends, but they put up with them from their female friends simply because of that whole “potential for sex” thing.

    And, in the end, many women wouldn’t tolerate hanging out with a man who treated her much like he treated his male friends. For all their demands for equal treatment, women are often surprised and upset when that equal treatment comes in the form of good natured harassment, bullying, or hazing.

    In my life, I’ve had only one female ‘friend’, who could handle herself in the same dynamic as the rest of my male friends, and that made her even more attractive to me. But never in my life have I had a female friend whom I’ve either not considered as a potential sexual partner, or decided that, even provided the opportunity, I wouldn’t have sex with her. Men simply do not want to waste time with women who are not potential sexual partners.

  11. I did put a stop to the hostile comments , I have it like that, she was wrong for opening up her mouth,

  12. True, true, true… great post! 🙂

  13. Haha! so true. I like how you say ” …to worm his way”. Great post.

    • Thanks!

      Did you read the hate comments where visitors slammed me for daring to saying this? I was “ruining” relationships, I must have “daddy issues”. I wrote this with young people in mind. Turns out this is shocking news to a lot of people.

      Maybe it’s how we all define “friends”. If people think “friends” are what they have on Facebook I could see the confusion.

      • I guess the post is a bit forward. But true. I have many “friends” who are still my friends precisely because they haven’t gotten it yet 😀

        And yes, I am sure that’s why.

      • Are we still on this, I thought it had truly passed, and I saw the video of those guys in school.
        Just because you ladies got the monkey between your legs, does not mean that a male cannot just befriends. I have several female friends who I go out with.
        I will share with you, lets say Carolina and I started hanging out, That is just it hanging out, she is a friend. In my lifestyle I have to have feelings, and she has to have the same feelings..
        Then I would look at Carolina as a sister, nothing more. she could sleep in my bed nude, and be just as safe as if she was at home…
        Maybe most men think with their dicks, and not their brains, at that is really pathetic….
        As always much Love

        • I disagree, Vile. 🙂

          Men can be friends at a CERTAIN AGE maybe, but when they are younger, no way.

        • “she could sleep in my bed nude, and be just as safe as if she was at home…” Gimme a break! You must be gay to make that statement. I agree that men & women can be “just friends”. That’s not to say that sex doesn’t enter the mind of either the male or female…it’s called self-control!

          • @ InMyHead commented on He Doesn’t Want to be Your Effing Friend!!.

            in response to thekinkyworldofvile:

            “she could sleep in my bed nude, and be just as safe as if she was at home…” Gimme a break! You must be gay to make that statement. I agree that men & women can be “just friends”. That’s not to say that sex doesn’t enter the mind of either the male or female…it’s called self-control!

            I was not even going to reply to this idiot, Wow have you been thinking about how you should comment since last June when Carolina Courtland
            June 19, 2012 • 10:56 am
            Posted this, you piece of crap you call me gay really? I believe what I posted was speaking about control, unless your education does not allow you to read through the lines, your the only dumb ass to make such a statement.

            Carolina whom I have much respect for makes post so they are objective you little twerp.
            Call someone gay and you do not have a clue who they are or what they are about.

            Could you not of giving your own explanation, or maybe how you disagreed with my statement and then giving your side of what a moron thinks. Can people not be respectful? I just might I mean just might have valued your opinion but you just had to be an ass.
            Maybe if you has sex with someone other than yourself you just might understand
            Wow.
            Vile

            • First off, I’d like to thank you for the good laugh you gave me. Really! I find it hilarious that you wasn’t even going to respond to “this idiot and moron”, but obviously you couldn’t restrain yourself. Seriously, before you call people such names, maybe you should proofread your response before sending. Also, given all the name calling and the general tone you spoke to me, I’m assuming you thought I was a male. Sorry, I’d be one of those with “a monkey between my legs”.

              Listen, you came across a bit odd trying to be Mr. Nice Guy using odd scenarios and distasteful language. Instead of “dick”, how about “penis” or even “other head”? If you are looking at Carolina “like a sister” then why in world would she be sleeping in your bed naked? I get your whole “I’ve got self-control” whatnot, but come on. I find it EXTREMELY hard to believe that ANY man, no matter his age, could contain himself lying next to a naked woman. Maybe you’re an exception. I don’t know. Have you ever even been in a situation like that to make such an absurd statement?

              • Four days 55 hours I am tired grammar was not at the top of my list. You know nothing about me. In my lifestyle I take in women who were being abused, in many ways some I would not even share. Yes women nude have slept in my bed, and not a thought about sex. I am not going to explain my actions. Being married now does change things, now when helping someone I make other arrangements.
                I will give one example however I took in a 33 yr old female who was running from someone from out of state. I took her in, she had lost her medicaid. Yes a nudist no clothes except when out.

                I spent an entire year helping her obtain insurance a lot of inner health issues. She is now getting ready to start receiving SSI and has since obtained her GED.

                So yes there are a few good men out there. I expected nothing in return nor did it cross my mind, nor did I even want a thank you.

                She was not the first, but as I stated being married now changes things, I have one to look after now, I have no more room.

                Your response could of been somewhat different, knowing you are a female I do apologize.

                I agree as well my grammar is not the best it is even worse after 65 hours of work or more.

                Vile

                • Vile, You have mentioned your “lifestyle” quite a few times now. So, out of curiosity and confusion, I did check out your blog as well as your wife’s blog. I’ll be honest, I don’t know much about the BDSM lifestyle, nor do I have the interest to know more. Your site was a bit much for me to handle, while I found your wife’s blog more “real” so to speak and relatable. But, that’s based on only reading her “People Watching” post. It seems as though you two have a good marriage with mutual respect for one another. I find that great. I was a bit bewildered by the use of her calling you “Sir”. But hey, to each his own.

                  Here is what I find the most confusing and disturbing: “In my lifestyle I take in women who were being abused, in many ways some I would not even share.” The confusing part is that you are combining your “lifestyle” with taking care of abused women. You go on further to explain all that you’ve done to help this particular woman with no insinuation that she was involved in your “lifestyle”. Perhaps I need further explanation/understanding.

                  Listen, I can only speak from personal experience, as is the case with every individual. Considering that I have been abused in every way possible, sexually abused by my father being at the top of the list, I find much of what I know of the BDSM lifestyle to be very demeaning. Of course I don’t know every detail of your life, but what I have read seems to be a rather normal, caring, and considerate marriage…with the exception of the personal descriptive terminology.

                  If it is just you, your wife, and children, and you have no desire to bring in another person, then why use such degrading words for each other and your relationship? I am so confused by words for each other such as: Sir, Master, Slave(s), Dominant, Submissive, and Vanilla…what the hell is Vanilla anyway? The point I’m trying to make is that in every successful marriage, there is a Dominant- the one that has the final say (however, the final decision can be made by either depending upon the situation). It’s a mutual understanding, give and take by both, and submission to each other out of respect for one another. Do you understand where I’m coming from and what I’m trying to say? I have gone so off topic it’s ridiculous–sorry!

                  On a final note, I would like to apologize for my “gay” comment. Just as you’ve said several times that I do not know you, you do not know me as well. I just started my blog last month as a way to “release” my built up feelings. But when I’m not caught up in my feelings and sorrow from past and present, I try to be the “real me”. I like to have fun, joke around a lot, and can get a little over the top sarcastic. It’s all in good fun, but I understand that not everybody is going get me. That’s why I was able to literally laugh at your initial response and not go for the kill when replying back. Anywho, after these few exchanges, I think we can both say we at least have a little better understanding of each other.

                  Have a great weekend & I hope you get your much needed rest 🙂
                  ~ A.

                  • Of course you do not understand the BDSM lifestyle even if I tried to explain as I have a hundred times, it would not make since.
                    There has to be a Dominant in every relationship though few will admit to that everyone wants a 50/50 relationship but it seldom works in any ones favor.
                    My wife Arinna is very smart, she is a very strong woman, she has two degrees, and a very stressful job.
                    She does however come first, she is the light at the end of the tunnel, last last thought before I sleep and my first breath when I wake.Arianna has never been abused be it physical or verbal, nor has it ever crossed my mind. We have an open line of communication. Every night we turn the TV’s off and sit in the middle of the bed and just talk sometimes a half hour, then at times for hours, about everything and anything.

                    On my days off we spend time doing what she wants to do, places she wants to go, without her I am just me, with her I am great. She is my whole world, my universe.

                    Keep reading my blog, in time you will sit with a bag of pop corn and a drink, I promise.

                    Yes my friend was in the lifestyle has been for many years, just like any relationship abuse does happen.

                    You are Vanilla I am afraid , your like the June Clever on Leave it to Beaver.

                    It is good to vent, that is what your blog is for, happy, sad, and pissed off, your life experiences, what you want to share.

                    Your not going to agree with everyone, I agree with less. Just please ask before assuming.

                    One more thing all men are not dogs.

                    Vile

                    • “Just please ask before assuming.” These are your words. Everything that I am about to respond to can be linked back to this quote.

                      “Of course you do not understand the BDSM lifestyle even if I tried to explain as I have a hundred times, it would not make since [sense].” This statement yells at me, emphasizing my lack of intelligence and inability to learn and understand. Please don’t assume or underestimate me. I’ve had no interest in educating myself in the BDSM lifestyle because of the misconceptions and stigma it carries. I was quite offended by a few of the things you said, so I was compelled to run through a crash course on this subject in my defense. I now understand why you responded to the original post the way you did. Your lifestyle does make you an exception.

                      This is a quote by Bert Cutler, whom conducted a study on BDSM relationships/lifestyle. I believe this quote represents your point quite well.
                      “The respondents valued themselves, their partners, and their relationships. All couples expressed considerable good will toward their partners. The power exchange between the cohorts appears to be serving purposes beyond any sexual satisfaction, including experiencing a sense of being taken care of and bonding with a partner.” ( Bert Cutler)

                      “You are Vanilla I am afraid , your like the June Clever on Leave it to Beaver.” You never did explain this term, so once again I had to research. You just went on to tell me that I am Vanilla and even worse, said I was like June Clever. I don’t know how you came to that conclusion from what little I have shared. I will correct you though–I am NOT Vanilla and I’m surely no June Clever! I’ll just leave it at that.

                      As for the rest of your response, I think you just reiterated what I said before. If you look back, I was agreeing with you on many aspects of any good relationship. Moreover, I think you dismissed my major concerns and focused more defending your lifestyle. I do believe that a woman would have viewed my comment much differently because biologically women are different than men…and for good reason. And please don’t take that as a stab toward you or men–we [men & women] are designed to think and react differently.

                    • I did not take it as a stab, I was just rambling it is all good.
                      Have an awesome weekend.

              • Just to interject here quickly: I have never been in his bed, naked or otherwise. I’ve actually never met him in person.

                Carry on.

  14. So true! I especially like the captions and thought bubbles on the images.

    • It’s interesting that you agree. I got slammed by dozens of people who argued hotly about how wrong I was on this issue.

      • I totally agree and I have male friends. All of them have either tried to hit on me at some point or are gay. The ones who are not gay are guys I’ve known for at least ten years and we are probably friends because I have very guyish sensibilities, Ricky always tells me no straight guy would so much as spend five minutes with a woman he was not trying to bang. Aside from my old old friends, I’ve found that to be totally true.

  15. Doesn’t every girl know this?

    • No, sadly they don’t.

      Apparently, a lot of people don’t know this. I got majorly flamed from outraged readers who claimed they have plenty of friends of the opposite sex, and that I must have issues to say such outlandish things.

  16. Entertaining post & discussion! I can’t say that I agree that ALL men only want to have sex with their female friends, but I can certainly attest to the fact that a SHITLOAD of them do, even if they know it will never happen. Being a female, I can also testify that I have been friends with men who wanted to have sex with me and enjoyed being admired “from afar.” I got an ego-boost from being an unattainable object of desire. It works both ways. Don’t hate me!

    Here’s something that pissed me off: I worked in a restaurant and partied A LOT with everybody there. After I introduced my husband (then boyfriend) to them after a few months, they all thought he was cool and we all partied together after that. We all still hang out to this day, 15 years later. A few of the guys now ALWAYS introduce me to their friends as “my boy Scott’s wife.” As if we weren’t friends first and I am “just” the wifey of a friend.

    This has got to stem in part from this guys can’t be just friends with girls thing. These guys flirted around with me till they got to know my man, then I was relegated to “a buddy’s girl,” even though they used to confide to me all their girl troubles and I helped clean them up when they were puking drunk and gave them rides. I respect the fact that they didn’t want to disrespect my man, but to LABEL me a friend’s girl and not just a friend sucked. PERHAPS it is a guilt-induced behavior because they wanted to have sex with me till they became friends with my hubby (not sure, they never made a pass at me). I could understand that, even if it stings.

    Conversely, I worked with guy that wouldn’t do the smallest favor for me. ME: “Could you help me pull this big-ass trash bag out of the can, it’s stuck?” JERKFACE: “No, do it yourself. I’m not helping you just because you’re pretty. You women are always asking for favors because you’re cute. I’m not falling for it.” ME: “Um, okay. You’re not invited to my kick-ass party, douchebag.” AND…he always did show up to the party. AND…I always let him in.

    Sorry for the long response. You got me thinking;)

    • That’s interesting your male friends refer to you as an extension of your husband. That’s a way of separating you in their minds and reminding themselves you are “off limits.”

      Which proves my point about male-female friendships. They didn’t really ever think of you as a “true” friend then. Until you were “taken,” you weren’t off limits; there was potential for sex. Now you’re on the Forbidden Bone List.

    • Are you serious Shoe, really ? That was an interview with college kids with a testosterone level of 750. I have several females I hang out with and have no desire to take them to bed . No it has nothing to do with there looks, but I am past that.
      Ive tied women to my bed, nude, spanked, flogged, used Hot wax, showered walked around my house naked, and never fucked. WTF .
      There are men who think with there dicks, and the size is probably there IQ .
      I mentor several women in the BDSM lifestyle, and have never had a thought about fucking them We have this understanding, I for one cannot just use a female , it is wrong.
      So I do not agree with that at all….

    • That video surprised me, that the women all said male/female friendships were possible, but all the men admitted they weren’t.

      Then the girls giggled when asked if the male “friend” would want to have sex with her if she let them. So, the guy is just hanging around pretending to be a friend hoping he’s going to score….

  17. Oh my… I am too scared to comment in case the “snarkie experts” bite my head off!!! LOL Carolina as far as I can see you have always shown respect and tolerance toward your audience no matter what their opinions are. I am sure you are a good friend as well 😉
    Hahaha… Thanks for the entertainment (as usual).

  18. Ugh….I fall for it evvvery time. Great post.

  19. Wow um Carolina I am going to disagree with you on this, you maybe be right , in some of the areas, because it is true most men think with there dicks.
    I myself prefer females as friends, and yes female friends without sex. Ah yes I am dating a female, and I still have female friends over. I have a bowling friend who is female, once a week. Another who comes over Saturday nights and we play cards.
    The fact is I get along with women much better than I do men. My friends are just that friends. You know I never thought about sex until you brought up the subject.
    I would not want to ruin the friendship I have with these women , once I get that sister thing going there is noway, I could even go there.
    In my lifestyle it is different Carolina, if you and I were friends that is as far as it could go, I pick friends to be friends.
    I am not sure why I get along with women better than men, I just do. I do enjoy the company, I have a young female friend who is married to an older woman, and she calls me dad, now that makes me feel good.
    I am not sure where you got your information, maybe from your past experiences I am not sure.
    I like to have what I call vanilla female friends, someone I can talk to.
    Again I maybe wrong but if you want a male friend who is not looking for sex here I am..
    Much Love
    Vile

    • Vile,

      You strike me as mature, know what you want, etc. I can see you having friends with no prob.

    • You engage in bondage and all that extreme /deviant stuff, you’re already objectifying/demeaning women to the point of no return.

      Sorry but it rattles my cage when people who engage in extreme sexual lifestyles try to come off as ‘mature’ and ‘polite’ and ‘well mannered’.

      The reason why you are able to have women as ‘friends’ is not because your so ‘well mannered and mature’ its because you’ve done everything else under the sun to them….you prat!

      You remind me of those classic villains who pride themselves in not being ‘impolite’ or ‘rude’ or ‘uncultured’ but engage in all sorts of wrongdoing on the highest level.

      In a sick sort of way you prove the original premise. You’re only able to be ‘friends’ with a woman because you get your sexual kicks (which is extreme in nature) in another form.

  20. I feel sorry for you if your male friends are so dull and shallow that the best they can think of getting from their female friends is sex. Personally I find that I get along better with my female friends when sex isn’t even a remote possibility, because they’re either a) married or b) not remotely attractive to me. And probably all but one of my current female friends fall into one or both categories.

    Maybe, just maybe, men are not a few billion individuals whose behaviour can be readily classified into simple categories. Just maybe. Or perhaps I don’t care. Perhaps women who’ll treat men as though they are all the same deserve to end up with average men, and the really interesting men can save themselves for women who are a little more open minded or thoughtful.

    • Or maybe you’re as gay as me but you just don’t know it yet 😉

    • Dick head, both of your examples basically fell into sex being outside of your power. “they are married or they don’t find you attractive”. Trying to sound like a nice guy when its because they’re not giving you the snatch. Would you be as ‘supportive’ and ‘mature’ if your girls as friends wanted you screw you…..hmm I don’t know you personally but I think you would bang your ‘friends’ without a care for your friendship.

      You sound like a bad looking fat feminist ….only a feminist because men don’t find her attractive….be real throw off that ‘nice guy’ role you seem to want to portray and be the dick head you are underneath …its liberating!

      • In fact, I never said either that I hadn’t had sex with friends before or that I wouldn’t. You would probably have noticed that if you spent more time actually reading what other people were writing and less time falling over yourself in rather pathetic attempts to insult them. What I said was that I get along better with my friends when sex is off the table. I have learned from experience that most friendships are not worth sacrificing for sex.

  21. one question i do have, though, because i got confused by some of the verbiage in this whole discussion … how do you define a “friend”?

    • A friend is someone you spend time with on a regular basis, who is there for you.

      You can call a friend if you get arrested, and they would bail you out of jail. You have known each other for some time, which I define as more than a couple months. (I think it takes awhile to truly get to know someone.) You also both care about each other.

      A friend is not someone you “met” on Facebook. It’s not some co-worker you talk to at the water cooler. It’s someone you spend time with, and share your life with.

  22. ooooooh, i get it. i was confused at first.

    for a minute there i thought you were trying to make a case that *all* hetero men are like this, or that they’re like this *all* the time, or for *all* women. i was concerned for a minute there, and considered forwarding a link to all of my female friends so they could explain to you how some men are actually pretty awesome friends. even when they’re married. 😉

    but i read your comments and now realize that you’re saying that only *certain* heterosexual men (there’s no research to say how many!) want to have sex with *some* women (there’s no research to say how many!), at least in *some* situations (there’s no research to say how many!).

    and i think that’s a statement we can all get behind 100%. thank you for clearing that up. insightful!

  23. Btw-

    I’m laughing my ass off at these guys (and even women) that are getting pissed at this post.

    It’s very telling.

  24. Very good post Dear.

    And yes, while I may be friends with women it’s usually for reasons that involve me NOT being able to eff her.

    Spot on Pet.

  25. I have a female friend, and yes…I want to bone her. I want to make her scream my name at the top of her lungs…but I also want more than that. too bad I’m still married.

  26. In reply to your comment to David:

    “So, you’re saying that men aren’t driven by sex? Men aren’t driven by sex to be with women?”

    No. That is (not) most men’s primary motive. Anyone with the slightest social intelligence knows this without thinking about it. There is no debate. Do you spend most of your time indoors writing Twilight knock offs?

    Research has proven that men and women are pretty balanced, and share many similar traits regarding sex, behavior, and psychology.The only way to prove yourself right, is if you try everything in your power to prove yourself wrong.

    If you have any humility what-so-ever, and if you can tame that fiery inflated ego of yours, try this:

    Research Julia Heiman, Phd. Heiman is the director of the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender, and Reproduction at Indiana University.

    Her team’s new research on heterosexual relationships shows that the majority of these beliefs about men are incorrect.

    Have fun hot shot 😉

    • I know what I see. Please. Men are driven by many things, competition, accomplishment, but one of their main motivators is sex or women, however you want to word it. Ask any rock star why he picked up a guitar, most will answer: so he could get chicks. Even terrorists are motivated by the promise of 72 virgins.

      Why is it that older men who can be with younger women, choose them? Is it for their personalities, and intelligence? No, it’s because they want a sexually vibrant woman.

      My book was written before Twilight, but, we’re getting way off topic here.

  27. Being honest about men doesn’t mean I’m jaded about them I have no emotion one way or another about how they are. Of course, I don’t hate them, but I do ‘get’ them.

    And this post is not supposed to be about women, and whether they want sex or not. Off topic.

    I’m not at all insecure in my relationship. Why would I be? I competely understand males, and where my husband is coming from .

    Did you read my answer to Hanif when I pointed out that Maria trusted Arnold and look where that got her? (Now this is going off topic) No, of course, not all men are going to cheat, but a woman should be at least aware of the possibility and not be blind idiot to it.

    • But you’re not being honest about men! You’re being honest about SOME men, and there is a clear difference. You get a specific demographic of men from a specific culture, and you think that you are knowledgable? That is just ignorant. As many of your readers have demonstrated here, there are men who are outliers, and probably many men at that. But again, I will ask where do your friends meet these men? Bars are frequented by men looking to get laid. I will agree that that is the target demographic of males at bars. That’s why we have Ladies Night, that is why a lot of things in bars (at least the ones I have experienced) are catered towards the needs of women.

      It may not be ABOUT that, but it is a relevant argument, not off topic. You are being hypocritical by claiming that men only want sex, and not thinking about the human species as a whole. Women think about sex as well. You brought up the statistic earlier showing that men think about it more, but that is because, evolutionarily speaking, women are at peak fertilization for a few days a month. Men are at peak fertilization for years at a time, daily. And you never answered my question: What are you attempting to accomplish with this?

      You may not be insecure about your relationship, but you still don’t fully trust your husband, and you are making comments based on your level of trust with HIM. You claim to be knowledgable about men, but you seem to be spouting the stereotypes of men that are shown on TV. Not all men like sports, not all men objectify women, not all men are after sex.

      In regards to Maria and Arnold, are you really basing your observations about men by what you see in the media? I mean you could say Hilary Clinton trusted Bill, but look where that got him. I could just as easily say that women can’t be trusted around men with power, but I don’t actually believe that. I will agree that skepticism should be maintained when in a relationship, but trust should outweigh it if the relationship is going to last. Jealousy is normal. Do women cheat? Of course, but you failed to bring this point up as well. You are talking about one side of the argument and claiming it as fact, but, I can’t stress this enough, you really don’t know what you’re talking about. You only know about an small portion of this culture.

      • Agreed that not ALL men are just after sex, having said that MOST of them are motivated by by sex. And you act like that’s a bad thing. It’s natural. There’s nothing with that. Women just need to be less naive.

        I trust my husband completely because he has no reason to lie to me. And he wouldn’t be able to pull the wool over my eyes anyway. But that’s off topic.

        What am I attempting? Entertainment. And I like a love a good debate. I like to see what people are going to say. I like to hear other’s opinions. See if they can persuade me to change my mind.

        • Your rhetoric makes it sound like it’s a bad thing! Your whole post has the connotation “don’t trust men.” You offer nothing to soften it from being a straight up attack. “In other words, if it weren’t for our vaginas, men would have nothing to do with us.” There is no way you can argue that that wasn’t said without malicious intent. You use no wording that isn’t directly saying, “all men.” “He will act all casual, all strictly clean and “friend-like,” but he’s using the “friendship” to put you off guard, to worm his way into your inner circle and get close enough to—bang you.” Your word choice isn’t making the argument that you are just telling it like it is either. This is making it sound like all men are after sex. That seems to be your thesis with this post, all men are after sex, and that is our ONLY motive.

          And that’s good that you know and trust your husband to that extent, but it just doesn’t seem right to give men this ulterior motive, when you know your husband wouldn’t cheat.

          Touché.

          I noticed you used “Rock Stars” as an example of men who are driven by sex, but again you’re using men of power, a specific sect of music, as your example, while excluding classical musicians, folk artists, and I am personally offended that you proclaim that is why these men “pick up a guitar.” I have been playing music for the better part of 8 years, and I can assure you that it was not why I picked it up in the first place. I have never used music to get a girl into bed, or as a pickup line.

          Also, could you quote where in the Quran it talks about 72 virgins? As someone who is interested in theology, I’m curious about specifics. It also seems like another hearsay claim. Something you heard in the news, or on tv, but you actually haven’t READ for yourself. I could be wrong though, I know nothing about you, and I should probably apologize for acting like I do.

  28. Basic Biology? My mother got a degree in biology, and went onto get her Phd in social work. She’s had these discussions with my sister before, and trust me, my sister had the same opinions. It did not end well. I’m also not emotionally damaged and lacking a frontal cortex enough to believe some angry girl’s rants.

  29. I personally live with 5 dudes. 1 of them is my boyfriend. The rest are guys I am just friends with, I did not move into my boyfriend’s house my boyfriend moved in with me where I was living with my friends. My ass is not being passed around like weed at woodstock in my house. I feel safe there in every way. I have multiple other male friends (including Hanif-and can attest to there being zero sexual feeling there). As a touring artist my favorite touring partner is one of my best male friends. Sure I have had male friends that I’ve lost tough with after they were married, but I have far more female friends I have lost touch with that way too. Lives change and people have different goals. If a friend gets married and starts planning a family and I am still single and staying out all night and am not saving to buy a house, etc than unfortunately the late night milkshake runs and movie marathons that were a part of that previous friendship are going to get pushed aside.
    This is such an extreme generalization that it does make people question if some degree of trauma is involved.
    I am not looking to silence you or edit you but suggesting that maybe look deeper at what this statement is really all about-what specifically motivated you to write this blog?

    • This blog doesn’t have much to do with me personally. I have also had male friends with no benefits, of course. That doesn’t change my observations.

      I wrote this blog because I got tired of hearing my girlfriends misinterpret men’s motivations. I began to realize the women don’t “get” men at all. My girlfriends were finding themselves in scary, dangerous situations because they weren’t reading men correctly. And these are not young, inexperienced women. These are grown-up, been married before women.

      • I am all for staying vigilant against predators but this gross over generalization is part of a much bigger problem. If you blanket a whole community of men as predators it makes it a lot easier for actual predators to get away with shit. Misandry, while not typically as prevalent, is just as damaging as misogyny.
        If your friends are often being preyed upon I would suggest a self defense class rather than labeling an entire gender as the enemy.

  30. So…if I’m not demonizing men by falsely over-generalizing them as sex driven animals….I’m not useful. Right..

  31. Why don’t you contribute something useful to this discussion?

    • You’ve yet to contribute anything useful to this discussion! Your entire argument is so juvenile that it’s come across as laughable. I am a man. A beer-drinking, sports-loving, steak-eating man. A man who’s head-over-heels in love with his girlfriend. And a man who has attractive female friends. I’m not friends with them because I’m waiting to catch them between relationships or when they let their guard down. I’m friends with them because I like them, as people, and because they’ve been there through good times and bad. I go with my female friends to grab something to eat, to watch a movie, and even downtown for a few drinks. I also make new female friends all the time. My girlfriend knows this and is fine with it, just as I’m fine with her male friends. I’m not trying to get in their pants. I’m enjoying the company of people that are close to me. It’s the way normal couples – and even normal singles – live.

      If your post is about your experiences, then you should frame them as such. Because I assure you, in real life, the typical male/female interaction does not occur in the way you paint it. Your generalizations are astounding, leading you to sound like a terribly bitter woman that refuses to take responsibility for the type of men you attract and/or allow in your circle. Both sexist and insulting. Well done.

      • The reason I wrote this blog was because I was tired of hearing my girlfriends get themselves into bad situations with men due to their misreading their motivations. One of my girlfriends was been naive to the point she put herself in serious danger, adn was raped. She needed to be more clued-in to what men’s motivations can be.

        I do write tongue and cheek, but my message is still there for women: don’t be so naive as to think a man just wants to be your friend.

  32. You might not know the right guys, then… I have plenty of guy friends. Had guy friends even before I was with my boyfriend. That’s all any of us wanted.

    I find it rather sad that this article paints women as “oh, every man wants me…” while painting men as nothing but whoremongers who are incapable of being friends with women.

    I guess what I am saying is I am concerned that this article paints relationships/friendships in broad generalizations. That does a disservice to the reader. This does a disservice to men and women who work hard to maintain their friendships.

    • You have plenty of married guy friends? Without being friends with their wives? Of course, we’d need to define “friend” to really get into this discussion. I don’t know what you think constitutes a friend.

      Women and girls should be, at least, keeping in their mind the possible motives of ALL the men around them. That might save them from getting into situations where they are drunk or in a hotel room and the man takes advantage of them. Now, if they read my blog, they can’t say they didn’t see that coming. I’m warning them.

      And don’t give me that about how men aren’t horndogs. According to the Journal of Sex Research Jan 2012, male sex thoughts ranged from 1 – 388 per day. Less than half that for women. So, if your “friend” is hanging out with you, is he thinking about having sex with some other woman?

  33. Wait….I can’t tell if this is serious, or sarcasm. If it’s sarcasm, I dig it. Extremely clever.

    If not…..this is a really bad generalization to make, and so far off base, in my opinion, it’s a bit damaging to reality.

    • Right. It’s so off base ’cause men don’t want to have sex with women. Well, gay men don’t.

      • That isn’t what this is saying at all. It’s saying, and I’m directly quoting, “if it weren’t for our vaginas, men would have nothing to do with us.”

        Had you written, “Heterosexual men desire sex with women”, I’d complain not. That makes sense. What you’re saying here is a vast generalization of men (AND women, really), and yes, it’s off base. To say that it’s impossible to have friendships that are between opposite sexes (healthy friendships) is absolutely off base. I see it daily. I’m involved in many. And trust me, I’m not having a ton of sex, nor am I pursuing sex constantly.

        I mean, the fact that I read this as great satire says a lot about how much it’s reaching, in my opinion.

        • Your comments make me think you are single male with little experience in relationships.

          I’d like to see how long your great female friends last when you get a wife. Unless they are friends with her first, she won’t allow them to be “friends” with you, and rightly so. Are you going to go out to dinner with your female friends alone when you’re married? I don’t think so. What woman in her right mind would trust her husband with another woman alone? That would be simply stupid. That’s how nannies end up married to the husbands of the kids they once nannied. Case in point: Robin Williams who divorced his wife to marry the nanny.

          And, yes it’s a generalization, of course. There will always be men who aren’t that hot for sex. And there might be one or two male-female sexless friendships out there.

          Having said that, women need to understand that’s where the majority of men are coming from. Men aren’t interested in having women for friends—unless they are gay. I should have made that disclaimer.

          • I am not “single male”, actually. Little experience is subjective, I’d say.

            While I don’t have a wife, I do have a girlfriend, and have had others….and the friends I’ve had have stayed the same. For years. I’d say that YOU have had an unfortunate glimpse of relationships. It’s not about “allowing” anything. It’s about trust, and mutual respect.

            If a woman can’t trust her partner alone with another woman, or if a man can’t trust his partner alone with another man, that’s a relationship issue, I’d say. I’ve had the same makeup of my circle of friends for years now. Relationships or not. And my relationships haven’t suffered from them, because they are adult relationships where trust and respect were exhibited over broad generalizations and feeding into things like this.

            There are more than “one or two” sexless friendships out there. And I don’t even know how one can measure this being the “majority” of men. Again, it’s a blanket statement that’s poorly constructed, and provides very little of anything in real life to back it up. I mean, if women reading this want to believe this, and put faith in it, that’s fine. But, I would instead suggest that maybe your experiences have been with the wrong men. I’ve got friends who I am friends with because they are great people. And that’s it. I would hope that you experience men who want you for more than just sex. If that’s all that you’ve run across, I’m really sorry. That sucks. I assure you, that’s not all, maybe not even most, but, sure, it is some.

            I don’t want to live in a place where it’s suggested that men stick to their men friendships, and women stick to their women friendships. Oh, unless the men are gay. Of course.

            • Hey, I would think it would be great if men and women could truly be “friends” and even throughout each other’s relationships. It just doesn’t work out that way.

              Sorry, males are sexual creatures. I’m just calling it like it is.

              Let’s talk about trust, since you brought it up. Maria Shriver trusted her husband Arnold Schwarzenegger, and what did that get her? He screwed the frickin’ maid and got her pregnant. In other words, he had sex with whatever female happened to be around at the time he felt the urge.

              Why did he do this? Because he’s a man.

              • How stupid of us to forget that the all-knowing Carolina Courtland is aware of every experience we’ve had in our lives. Your counter-argument of “It just doesn’t work out that way” completely triumphs over what I have seen with my own two eyes.

                Your view is not only depressing, but terrible for society. Imagine explaining to your adolescent daughter that from this point on every man she encounters is only looking for sex. Yes, because that will absolutely help gender equality..

                Oh, and way to grab one extreme celebrity example for comparison. Arnold didn’t do that because he’s a man. He did it because he was a person who is liable to cheat on his or her spouse. Straight or gay, man or woman, if someone wants to do it, they will.

                • It isn’t my “view”. It’s the way things are. This post is a generalization, of course, but there’s truth to it.

                  I would definitely explain to my teen girl that males are out for sex! And that way, I can avoid becoming a grandma.

                  So, what do you think we should tell our teen girls? That males have no ulterior motives, and only want to be their “good friends”? I’m laughing at this idea.

                  You missed the point of what I said about Arnold. If Maria hadn’t been so naive about men, she would have kept a closer eye on him instead of a blind one.

          • Wow. I am so sorry for the way men have treated you that has caused you to think this way.

            • Johnny, why would you assume men have treated me badly. They haven’t really. I’m getting these ideas from observing other people’s relationships. I am a married woman whose husband treats me just fine.

              Oftentimes, it’s about how you let people treat you.

  34. This post is so true!! Couldn’t be more spot on. And also, love the new look of your blog. Looks great!

  35. Yeah, I can count on one hand the number of men friends I have who aren’t gay or married — both limited! By the same token, there aren’t many men out there who I’d want to be friends with outside of a relationship, either…

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