Recently, one of my girlfriends signed up for eHarmony, and went on a date.
If you’re a follower of my blog, you know I hate online dating. I think it’s a horror show, and her experience proves my point.
eHarm claims to be the Number #1 relationship website. It boasts that it “takes romance and passion to a whole new level” and will help you find “the love of your life.”
I joined eHarm years ago. After answering pages of questions, eHarm spits out a “Personality Profile” which analyzes you in detail. Sometimes the questions were hard to answer, like “From the four choices pick both the least and the most that apply to you.” Often, none of them applied. Here’s how off-the-wall the four choices could be:
- I am hungry most of the time
- Clowns scare me.
- I wish I were a Princess.
- Anna Nicole Smith was my idol
I guess they were cleverly trying to ferret out if I was a gold digger, had an eating disorder, clown phobia or was a diva.
Even though I answered honestly about my hot temper and how I’m not good at resolving conflicts, my Profile was glowing. There was not one negative thing about me. I’m awesome!
Back to my friend: eHarm found one perfect match for her out of thousands of men in Las Vegas. They email each other and arrange to have dinner.
They meet at a casino. He is well-groomed, dressed in a suit. They have an uneventful dinner with banal chitty-chat. As they walk back to their cars, he suddenly reaches over and bites her hard in the face. Not a love nibble—a full-on zombie chomp that ripped her skin.
My friend recoils from shock and pain. She screams. This draws the attention of the few stragglers walking around. They stop to look, which distracts The Chomper long enough to give her a chance to dash to her car. She drives herself to the hospital. The wound required stitches. His teeth left a clear bite mark pattern on her face.
I asked her if she saw any red flags. Did Chomper say anything weird or act in a creepy way? She said he acted “normal” right up until he tried to bite her nose off.
She’s a schoolteacher, one of the kindest people, and eHarm matched her with a flesh eating psycho. Wow. eHarm’s fancy algorithm that perfectly matches couples is astoundingly off.
Instead of asking how one likes to spend their Friday nights, eHarm needs to ask questions like these:
- “Do you have a history of violence against women?”
- “Are your favorite movies Psycho and Hannibal?
- “Are you a complete whackjob?”
- “Do you like to consume human flesh?”
I rest my case about online dating.
UPDATE: eHarmony emailed me about this story.