controversial relationship advice

eHarmony Thinks a Zombie is Your Perfect Match

Is this eHarmony couple for real? They look like paid models

Recently, one of my girlfriends signed up for eHarmony, and went on a date.

If you’re a follower of my blog, you know I hate online dating. I think it’s a horror show, and her experience proves my point.

eHarm claims to be the Number #1 relationship website. It boasts that it “takes romance and passion to a whole new level” and will help you find “the love of your life.”

I joined eHarm years ago. After answering pages of questions, eHarm spits out a “Personality Profile” which analyzes you in detail. Sometimes the questions were hard to answer, like “From the four choices pick both the least and the most that apply to you.” Often, none of them applied. Here’s how off-the-wall the four choices could be:

  • I am hungry most of the time
  • Clowns scare me.
  • I wish I were a Princess.
  • Anna Nicole Smith was my idol

I guess they were cleverly trying to ferret out if I was a gold digger, had an eating disorder, clown phobia or was a diva.

Even though I answered honestly about my hot temper and how I’m not good at resolving conflicts, my Profile was glowing. There was not one negative thing about me. I’m awesome!

Back to my friend:  eHarm found one perfect match for her out of thousands of men in Las Vegas. They email each other and arrange to have dinner.

They meet at a casino. He is well-groomed, dressed in a suit. They have an  uneventful dinner with banal chitty-chat. As they walk back to their cars, he suddenly reaches over and bites her hard in the face. Not a love nibble—a full-on zombie chomp that ripped her skin.

My friend recoils from shock and pain. She screams. This draws the attention of the few stragglers walking around. They stop to look, which distracts The Chomper long enough to give her a chance to dash to her car. She drives herself to the hospital. The wound required stitches. His teeth left a clear bite mark pattern on her face.

I asked her if she saw any red flags. Did Chomper say anything weird or act in a creepy way? She said he acted “normal” right up until he tried to bite her nose off.

She’s a schoolteacher, one of the kindest people, and eHarm matched her with a flesh eating psycho. Wow. eHarm’s fancy algorithm that perfectly matches couples is astoundingly off.

Instead of asking how one likes to spend their Friday nights, eHarm needs to ask questions like these:

  • “Do you have a history of violence against women?”
  • “Are your favorite movies Psycho and Hannibal?
  • “Are you a complete whackjob?”
  • “Do you like to consume human flesh?”

I rest my case about online dating.

UPDATE: eHarmony emailed me about this story.

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32 Responses »

  1. Hahaha! This was funny … If you like hearing about the horrors of internet dating, please read my blog on Plenty of Fish ;)

  2. There was a story on the LA Times website a year or so ago about a woman filing a suit against one of these online dating sites, simply asking them to do background checks before they let people join. She was sexually assaulted on her 2nd date with this guy when she brought him back to her place. One of the things that was unbelievable to me were all the replies to that story of people pointing out that she was incredibly careless for bringing the guy home after only the 2nd date. I had to get in there and reply and say are you kidding me??? Men and women have been pairing off alone together under far more casual circumstances for generations now without incident and it is quite obvious that that guy was going to assault her once he got her alone be it after date number two or date number five. I couldn’t believe some of the responses to the story.

    I believe that particular online dating site starting doing background checks after that but I’m not sure.

  3. Chills…I wondered if there was a better class of people on that site compared to other sites. Apparently not!!

  4. What is it with all the flesh-eaters lately? How horrible for your friend. And I would love to know if eHarmony actually did anything about him. And who knows if he has done anything else crazy like this to other women. It’s highly likely.

  5. I tried online dating just for the purpose of blogging. It’s just not for me. I need to be able to read a woman’s body language and facial expressions.

    It seems most of the women are WAAAY over inflated on the sites.

  6. That is assault… your friend should be disease tested and this guy should be reported. What was the response from eHarmony – some sort of disclaimer? Stay safe ladies and be on your guard if online dating – you don’t know these people and they may not have good intentions!!!!

    • eHarmony asked if she reported him to them and I said that she did. But, they should know that. How many clients did they have in Las Vegas who reported another client biting them in the face?

      Here’s where my friend screwed up. It is an assault and she should have filed a police report against him. She didn’t. She NEVER reports it when a man acts violently toward her. Why? She has this fear it will makes things worse.

      • We have all been made to feel fearful by someone whether that power that they have is real or imagined!! It is not too late to report him to police…. he is probably doing the same to others or worse. These things don’t go away if nobody is willing to take action. You are a good friend to worry about her. :D

  7. Is Edward Cullen a zombie? And if so, is it possible for your wordpress friend April to be e-harm matched with him?

  8. I never tried eHarmony. I considered it because I thought that if one chose to pay that one would be more serious about the search…

  9. That is just so scary! I am on e-harmony and I am extremely disappointed by it. I guess I had high expectations – you know actually going on dates!. In 3 months I have had 1 date, but I guess I lucked out – I didn’t get bitten. He was actually a real nice gentleman, but unfortunately no chemistry. Once my subscription expires I am not signing up again, I think it is mostly a scam, people that are no longer signed up.

  10. Oh eHarm, it’s so cute how you think people are honest online…

  11. OH MY GOODNESS that’s just insane!!! In favour of eHarmony, it worked for my best friend…? Is that even fair to say?? This is brutal!!

  12. I think E-Harmyourface and all those other dating sites are for crazy people. And I thought you had to be a Christian to be on that site anyway. You might as well just go to church.

  13. I always thought E-Harmony was for rich old white ppl who were looking for a last chance @ marriage.Am I wrong?

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