controversial relationship advice

Guys, Don’t be Such Dumbasses

So I’m minding my own business in my front yard picking up kids’ toys left behind. The kids in the neighborhood played in my yard because it was the only patch of real grass for blocks.

I’m holding a black plastic broken toy in my hand–when out of nowhere–this strange guy I’ve never laid eyes on before strides up to me.

Without any lead-in, he looks at the object in my hand and asks, “What is that? Is that a BOMB?”

WHAT?! A BOMB?!! THERE’S A BOMB?!! WHERE’S THE BOMB?!! CALL THE BOMB SQUAD!!

After I calm myself down from the initial shock of hearing the word “bomb,” I answered, “It’s a child’s broken walkie-talkie.”

Then he bends down to carefully examine the other part of the broken toy in the grass, like he’s CSI: Lawn and flashes me this:

While I’m trying to keep from upchucking my lunch, Agent Butt Crack is hot on the case. He inquires, “Why would anyone leave that here?”

As if finding a child’s discarded toy is a big mystery that requires lengthy analysis.

I responded that I didn’t know why. Then I realized I was being drawn in to yet another boring conversation with someone I didn’t know, and didn’t care to talk to. I turned and walked in my house.

Important Dating Tip:  When approaching the ladies on the street, in a club, or at Starbucks, don’t use loaded words like bomb, kill, explosives, shoot, stab–words like that. It immediately sends us into scary panic mode, and all thoughts of romance and hot sex with you fly right out of our heads.

And for God’s sake, please don’t bend over and show us your bepimpled, hairy butt cheeks.

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Categorised in: General Relationship Advice, You Got No Game

16 Responses »

  1. Damn. Personally I get GREAT results by stringing a woman down while licking my lips, rubbing my finger tips together and cementing, “NICE” when she makes eye contact.

    Great results as in the pepper spray ALWAYS follows. Lol.

  2. Wow ,nice dating tips.I’m impressed but not surprised Carolina.Nice point about choice of words to use and NOT to use.

  3. Agent Buttcrack has a pretty good faux cleavage. I was a little confused by that pic. I’m back on track now…and I’m disgusted.

  4. It does seem to be a trend with men. Not sure why anyone would think it’s attractive though.

  5. Dam is that what ive been doing wrong

  6. I don’t know, Carolina. I live in the ‘burbs, and a couple of our handmen and gardeners seem to almost have this contractual obligation to flash us the crack on a daily basis. I think it’s gotten to a point where I’m almost immune to it.

  7. Seriously no game. His fake attempt to create a damsel in distress & reinacting porn he just watched was epic failure!

  8. He blew his chances for sure.

  9. Oh my god I love it. This sounds like something that will happen to me in the future.

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