controversial relationship advice

Finding Mr. Right in the Zombie Apocalypse

See, even Jim Carrey is a zombie!

Since the Zombie Apocalypse is here, we ladies must re-evaluate what to look for in a Mr. Right. You want to be partnered with the best man possible when zombies attack.

According to a 2009 University of Ottawa analysis, an outbreak of even slow zombies like those staggering around in Night of the Living Dead  “is likely to lead to the collapse of civilization, unless it is dealt with quickly.”

The researchers found that all humans end up turned or dead.

So, that means there are few things Mr. Right will need to possess, and certain things that just aren’t needed any more in these scary times.

Here are examples of the type of man you no longer want to hook up with: Mr. Rip-Off-Investors Wallstreet, Mr. High-Priced Lawyer, Mr. Hundred-Million-Dollar-Bonus Banker, Mr. Pretty-Boy Actor, Mr. Rock Star, Mr. Got-Filthy-Rich-Inventing-Computer Software.

Those fancyass lawyer briefcases aren’t going to be much use when a zombie is munching on your intestines.

Sure, Orlando is gorgeous, but what good is he when the zombie horde is pressed against that flimsy barricade?

Mr. Right needs to be fully loaded, and I don’t mean in the man junk department. I’m taking weapons. Like this guy.

I know you’ve been grossed out by him in a previous post, but he has what you need.

 I don’t know what this guy is holding, but it looks like it could kill lots of zombies. He’s a keeper.

The type of man you need now is going to be more like this:

They have lots of experience cracking skulls, like when that drug deal went bad or the witness saw everything. And–bonus–they’ve been working out daily.

Ask yourself, which group would you rather be with during a zombie attack? The group of pencil-necked pansy ass book readers shown below or the buffed-out convicted gangbangers?

That’s what I thought.

No, this isn’t one of the zombies. It’s just a wanna be, but he could pass right through a zombie horde undetected. He’s definitely a keeper. (And to think everyone gave him shit for getting that “impractical” tattoo on his face. Who’s laughing now?)

In a nutshell, ladies, it’s all about re-adjusting your “wish list” to fit the current situation. This is out: 

 and this is in:

 

Deal with it. It’s for your own survival.

Here’s another type of guy you should go for now:  His Hands Should Be Registered as Lethal Weapons.

 

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Categorised in: The Best of Staked, Zombies

23 Responses »

  1. Hahahahahaha!!! “He’s a keeper!” LOL Hilarious post… I need a guy to protect my intestines. Gangsters here I come! :)

  2. Thank you for following my blog, my friend! I hope your visits in my blog have been and will always be an enjoyable experience!

    I’ve been enjoying yours so please keep sharing and keep inspiring! :-)

    Subhan Zein

  3. Carolina, the CDC has a protocol in place in the event of the zombie apocalypse. Because I care about you, I will share this with you so that you too can be prepared :) http://www.cdc.gov/phpr/zombies_novella.htm

  4. i think i love you. lol.

    oh, and for the record Danny-boy is ARMED.TO.THE.TEETH.

  5. What’s with everyone and zombies!!?

    Honestly,like 4 fellow PUA bloggers have blogged about this since yesterday,and more over the past weeks.What am I missing?

  6. You are so right. The crazy gun nut dude with the gun pointed at his testicles may not be your best bet, as he will probably blow off his balls before he gets to killing zombies. All those other fat gun nut dudes will probably be okay, but consider that half of them will have heart attacks from all the bacon flowing through their veins. This is a problem if they get too excited by the zombie uprising.
    Just adding some important tips.

  7. Currently reevaluating my priorities lol.

  8. I think you’re right. Find someone heavily armed and make him go first.

  9. Shoulda said maybe YOUR best work. It was the tears in my eyes, I swear.

  10. Maybe you’re best work. Tears in eyes.

Trackbacks

  1. Living In The Zombie Apocalypse | Staked in the Heart
  2. The Coolest Homemade Zombie Costumes | Staked in the Heart

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