Another Bad Date Brought to You by

He looked okay in his pic, but younger than his 35 years. A marketing exec, he was born in a foreign country. He seemed “normal” in his emails.

We meet in a casino. He recognizes me first, and walks up to introduce himself.

I am stunned by his appearance. He was so small–and I don’t mean short–I mean tiny. He looked like a little kid playing dress up in a grown up suit. To make things worse he resembled Harry Potter with his round glasses.


Panic hits as I think he’s a kid around 10 yrs old who has pulled a trick on me. Here I am in public, meeting a child off the Internet. I was expecting Chris Hansen from Dateline’s To Catch a Predator to pop up from behind a slot machine and confront me. 

My  mind is a blur as a I rapidly replay everything we emailed each other. Thank God none of it was suggestive.

Then Boy-Man spoke. In a heavy middle-eastern accent he rails about how “online girls” were getting “free meals” from dating 3-4 nights a week. Obviously, he was no kid. I snap at him that I can pay for my own meals, and he calms down slightly.

Important Dating Tip: Don’t tell your date she’s using you for a meal. It kind of sucks the romance right out of the air. 

Actual size of his handprint

We stand awkwardly while I consider leaving. Boy-Man apologizes and we head toward the restaurant. He puts his hand on the small of my back to guide me and I stiffen. I don’t want people thinking I’m dating one of my niece’s grade school friends.

The minute we sit down he starts ranting again. This time it’s how all the “online girls” have kids, and are looking for partners. He doesn’t want to raise someone else’s child, blah, blah.

Boy-Man wouldn’t let me get in a word in edge-wise as he raved about online dating services. Everyone is “loser” and “lazy.” (He’s the exception, of course). I guess he’s not a happy camper.

I try to come up with something that won’t start Boy-Man on another diatribe. I try diets. That leads him to proudly tell me in great detail what he eats, and how much he eats. 

Important Dating Tip: Talking in detail about what you eat might be interesting to your mother, but to anyone else it’s a snoozefest.

After an unpleasant meal, I make a point of paying for my half and jump up to leave. He insists on walking me to my car.

I tell him, no thanks. He’s so puny if something were to go down, I’d end up having  to protect him.

To read my Worst Ever Nightmare Online Dating Story go here.

My Puppy is Super Sick!!

My puppy started getting sick a few days ago, and is now super sick. : (

To my horror I discovered I had unknowingly fed him chicken treats made in China, and sold by Canyon Creek Ranch brand. On the bag it says they are an American company. On their website you are greeted with this lovely western scene with the slogan “Welcome to the natural world of Canyon Creek.” As if they sell wholesome products that are grown on a ranch in America.

Canyon Creek Ranch chicken treats are the same ones responsible for the deaths of dogs a few months back. See FDA warning here:

Canyon Creek Ranch needs a more accurate portrait on their website:

Photo of waste water from a leather factory in China

Canyon Creek Ranch’s slogan should be: “Welcome to the toxic world of ‘Made In China’ products”

Read here the story of how a dog died after eating Canyon Creek Ranch treats:

I bought these treats at PetSmart, even though PetSmart is well aware of Canyon Creek’s history of producing toxic treats. They got the FDA warning.

I call the local PetSmart to ask them why they are continuing to sell a product with a history of killing pets. Even if it doesn’t kill my puppy–and he’s sick from something else–I don’t appreciate being sold potentially toxic treats.

The PetSmart manager didn’t even bother to feign an interest. When he went through customer relations school he missed the part about how a manager should at least pretend to listen to a customer, and act like he cares, even though he has no intention of doing anything about the complaint.

I told the manager it shouldn’t be my responsibility to have to Google products before I buy them to see if the FDA has issued a warning/recall, it should be PetSmart’s responsiblity to NOT SELL these poisoned things in the first place. He told me to call corporate.

Oh, and I love how our FDA only issues a “warning” about these deadly treats, not a recall. They are supposed to work for us–the people–not corporations.

Please warn other pet owners not to buy Canyon Creek Ranch products.

The Rules are Baaaack!

The authors of The Rules have written yet another book to help us bag Mr. Right.

The Rules books give strict guidelines for women to follow when dating. You are to play extra super hard-to-get by not expressing any interest in him at all. The idea is that The Rules force the man to be the aggressor–’cause men love to chase–and don’t mind coming across as creepy stalkers.

Here are some of the gems: 

1.  Don’t call him and rarely return his calls

2.  Never initiate contact either in person or on online dating sites (don’t wink, for instance, that’s way too pushy, might give him the impression you’re fast)

3.  Men can ogle you, but don’t you dare ogle back

4.  You be passive like a slug drunk on beer, and let him take the manly lead 

5.  Don’t tell him what to do (God forbid!)

6. Be mysterious

Is this mysterious enough?


7.  It’s like Fight Club when it advises, “Don’t break The Rules” and “Never discuss The Rules.”

8. End the phone calls first to show him how busy you are (“Oh, time for my Massengil Moment! Have to go!”)

9. Expect expensive, romantic gifts because you’re so worth it

And my personal favorite:

10. Be a “creature unlike any other” 
(Do we really need to work at being more creature-like to men? They are already freaked out by all the strange stuff going on down there in our lady bits.)

I think men don’t always want to be the aggressor.  It must be exhausting to have to be the one to put yourself out there and face rejection. I think most men would be flattered and welcome it if a woman were to show some interest.

Following The Rules is a mistake. For one thing, it’s going to automatically weed in all the super aggressive men, you know, the ones destined for a maxiumum security prison. A normal dude is going to just going think you aren’t interested and give up.

Here’s what an exciting date following The Rules would be like:

It’s a good thing most women don’t follow The Rules or the human race would die off. 


The Puppy Essentials

Since the last time I got a puppy was five years ago. Things have improved in the field of puppy management.

Here are the life-saving puppy essentials:

The Snuggle Puppy – this is a plush toy that comes with a beating heart sound maker you put inside it. No longer do you have to endure whining so piercing it can shatter glass. This helps baby adjust to being alone. Caveat: The battery won’t last a week if you don’t turn off the heart when not in use.


DAP Spray – This is a synthetic spray designed to smell like a mother dog so puppies (and adults)  feel comforted. Use to calm them for car rides, thunderstorms, fireworks. I spray some on a handkerchief.

Kong Crate – I had never crated before, and I don’t know how I did it.
Crating helps with potty training, and gives you a break so you can actually finish a shower. These are built fairly well, and come with optional red pad that has bumpers around the edges. Be sure to attach a water bottle.  

Wee Wee Pads – Got to have these lined up all around whatever room you designate as The Puppy Room. This room should not contain things you care about. I transformed our family room by putting in a rug I didn’t care about, unplugging everything, and removing most items. Get XL, I think they are the same price.

Chew Toys – Unless you want to lose your remotes, cell phones, shoes, glasses, sofas, pillows and everything else, get plenty of chew toys. My favs are the Nylabones, not the ones called “edibles”, those won’t last a day. Also, rawhide chews are good.  

One thing dogs LOVE are the cattle hooves. Described as “providing endless chewing entertainment,” these chews emit a pungent odor that makes your entire home smell like a feedlot. Avoid.

Also, avoid the deer/antler chews for the power chewers. They’ll just eat them.

For the power chewers:  Tuffy Toys are the best. They are super reinforced and extra stitched to not fall apart under the most relentless thrashing and gnawing.

My Rott puppy loves Gary the Gator.

Grannick’s Bitter Apple Spray – This will easily stop all kinds of bad behaviors: pawing at things, chewing, biting, jumping. No need to scream or slap. Just a spritz near the face, or drench the item. Note: other brands don’t work as well.

Lupine No-Pull Training Harness – This one is designed to use gentle pressure on their leg, which stops their pulling. The harness is pretty toughly made. Trains them pretty quick. Note: it clips onto the dog’s existing collar (that you buy separately.)

Loc8tor Pet Tracking Device – This is not a GPS. It’s a  little homing tag you put on your pet’s collar and through this you can track them with the handheld device that lights up as you get closer, and makes louder beeping sounds.

Guides you to within a inch of your pet. Also will start tracking inside when your pet is outside. You can also locate them when they are above you. It works amazingly well.

This has saved my pets many times. Order it online from a British company here, takes a couple weeks to get it.

I will update this post as I find more useful items.

But There are So Many of You!

Other bloggers have said they wouldn’t mind having an after-date survey to find out why they didn’t get asked out again. This reminded me of the one date where I would have liked to have had him fill out a survey to find out what happened.

I was set up on a blind date, that was also a double date, with my two friends, Laurie and Brandon. My date planned everything, and generously picked up the tab for everything, including a super expensive restaurant. We had what seemed to be a great time ’cause we all laughed our asses off. They dropped me off at my house at 6 am.

Thursday evening I call him to say thanks for the great time. This is how that went: 

Me: “Hi, this is Carolina. I just wanted to thank you for the other night. I had a really great time.”


Him: “Oh….hi……oh, by the way, I saw your sister yesterday, and she blah blah blah….”

Me, interrupting: “I don’t have a sister.”

Awkward pause. It was clear he didn’t have a clue who I was.

Me, trying to jar his memory: “We went out to dinner two nights ago? With Laurie and Brandon? Went for dessert at the Cheesecake Factory?”

Him: “Oh, yeah, yeah. Sorry. It’s just that I’ve met so many other Carolinas this week.”

Others?! There so many Carolinas roaming around out there he is getting us mixed-up? Like the Cylons from Battlestar Galatica, there are many copies, and we are indistinquishable from one another.

Our clumsy conversation lasted for a few more moments. We never spoke or saw each other again.

I don’t know what was going on with him, but one thing was for certain. Despite the fact we had laughs, and he appeared to have a good time, he was so not into me that in less than 48 hours, he had completely obliterated me from his mind.

He didn’t devote one measly synapse in his brain to me.

Guys, That Stripper Isn’t Your Soul-Mate

An online guy I went out with called himself “Cool Kelly”. 

“I gotta come clean. There’s one image that consistently makes me happy. That image, that one image–is your big tits.”

A former pro baseball player, he was so obnoxiously egotistical he came across like the character Kenny Powers from Eastbound and Down. He looked like him, too.

He boasted his ex-wife wrote a four page letter to Oprah suggesting that O give him an “Ex-Husband of the Year” award because he was so awesome for making those child support payments on time. Oprah’s staff must just love having to wade through that kind of crap.

He bragged about himself so much, I wasn’t sure I wanted to date him, but I thought I would give him a chance.

He turned out to be a soft-spoken, hard-working, and didn’t brag about himself in person. He said God spoke to him telling him his mission was to spread The Word. He called himself a “Crusader for Christ” and quoted from the Bible often. When I questioned one of his quotes, he smugly said that explaining it to me would be like “trying to teach Algebra to a kindergartner.”

Important Dating Tip for the Guys:  Few things make a woman less interested in having sex than being lectured about her inadequacies in regards to the Holy Bible.

After we had dinner, he suggested we go to a strip club. 

What?! I was expecting we would head to a Bible study or hand out tiny Bibles on The Strip.

We get to the club, and it turns out he’s looking for one stripper in particular. He confessed that “Princess Puppy” was his soul-mate, the love of his life. He had been supporting her for about a year when she just mysteriously disappeared ran away from him.  

Important Dating Tip:  Don’t take a woman out to a place searching for another woman. Do your stalking by yourself.

While observing a stripper spread her legs in front of us, Cool Kelly wistfully sighed. “I’ll never forget Princess. You would have liked her.”

Important Relationship Tip:  Guys, spend less time memorizing Bible quotes, watching sports, playing video games, collecting Avengers figurines, or whatever and more time getting to know actual women. That way you won’t be so easily played by them.

Here’s a big clue that she’s just not that into you: You have to go to a strip club to see her.

Read my Worst Ever Nightmare Online Dating Story here.

Robo-Butt is Less Than Asstounding

Those clever Japanese masters of robotics have done it again.

Meet Robo-Butt. Or Shiri, as its creators lovingly refer to it.

Described as “a buttocks humanoid robot that expresses various emotions with organic movements of the artificial muscles.”

I didn’t realize we expressed emotions through our ass. Maybe this is a Japanese thing?

They spent a lot of time, effort and energy to create a creepy robotic slab of man-butt. Looks like the Ice Truck Killer struck again on Dexter.

And Robo-Butt’s life-like movement? It looks as if they slapped a butt skin over one of those awful pokey “Shiatsu” massagers you buy at Brookstone.

In the promotional video we see Robo-Bottom vibrating, inhaling and exhaling, and beating like there’s a heart inside. Note to Japanese:  our hearts and lungs are not located in our asses. 

The creator claims that one of the goals of Shiri-san “is to raise the argument as to what perceptions will be manifested in the minds of people who communicate with Shiri.”


Exactly how are we supposed to communicate with Robo-Butt? We’re supposed to do some sort of Vulcan Butt Meld? “Captain, I can feel its pain…”

The only potential use for this product, which would be as a sex toy for those into anal, is ruined by the fact it doesn’t come with an a**shole

That will be sold separately.

The Puppy Diet

I’ve discovered a new weight loss program! It’s super simple. There’s no calorie counting, no food portioning, no restrictions whatsoever. You can eat whatever you want, when you want

It’s The Puppy Diet. No, you don’t eat puppies, just get one.

Sure, I look cute, but I have the destructive force of a tornado

No more lazily sitting on your burgeoning buttocks watching tv. No more idling away hours on your favorite hobby while your muffin tops explode, because you’ve got to:

–  stop the puppy from pile driving the cats

–  stop the puppy from eating the wall

–  clean up after the puppy has unloaded everywhere but the XL wee wee pads

–  repair speaker wires the puppy has chewed through

–  stop the puppy from eating weeds, rocks, decorative mulch, dirt, bugs, disgusting stuff in the yard, and anything made of wood

–  chase the puppy down the steep hill, then climb back up said hill while he squirms and bites your hand

–  stop the puppy from eating the rest of the steel wool pads in the grocery bag

–  chase, feed, clean up after, and do everything else that goes along with a puppy

The pounds and inches will melt right off. You’ll see results in as little as two weeks!

You’re welcome.

Men are the New Women

Once the whole metrosexual thing started we’ve all been on a slippery slope. Men are starting to become women.

Used to be we could easily tell the men from the women.

See? You can totally tell this is a man. He’s hairy and he has guns.*

Men used to leave their manjunk alone, and au natural….now they’re waxed, “pejazzled” and “scrotazzled.”

The creators of Vajazzle have designed crystals for the guys called Pejazzles. For those who don’t know, Vajazzle is the words vagina and bedazzle combined. Vajazzling is where magical Swarovski crystals are glued in a cute design, like a heart, fairy or star, onto one’s newly waxed vajayjay.

One salon advertised, “Nothing says confidence like Vajazzling, since it shows you are not afraid to be different, and to be seen.”

Important Relationship Tip for the Ladies:  Your man isn’t going to see your sparkly vadge and think, “Wow, she’s a maverick!” More likely, he’ll be worried it’s a choking hazard.

Once a guy has his naughty hairs effortlessly painfully ripped out by Verushka in what’s called a “Boyzillian” wax, the Pejazzles are attached.

They come in many designs, including a manly iron cross; barb-wire to show  how tough he is to other prison inmates: and a crucifix
for those who want to Pejazzle for Jesus. (Doubles as protection in event of vampire crotch attack.)

Dude, if you’re finding yourself sticking crystals on your manjunk in the shape of a frolicking dolphin–and you don’t realize you’re gay–let me assure you. You are. Gay. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.)

Like the new prom dresses which leave nothing for the high-end hookers to wear, men are leaving nothing that’s just for women. You’ve stolen our earrings, eyeliner, mani/pedis, facials, waxing, spanks, purses, and now our sparkly nether regions! Enough is enough.

*Thanks to Rubarbs for letting me borrow steal this great pic from her hilarious blog. Was it his profile pic? That would explain the blurring; he’s protecting his reputation.

7 Days Of Forced, Uneventful and Dumb Sex

There’s a new tv show called 7 Days Of Sex. Each episode follows the lives of two married-with-kids couples who have serious marital issues. In order to repair their relationship, the couples are told they must have sex every day for seven days—with each other.

The women are horrified.

This is the actual couple #2. Obviously, they’re married.

Husband #1 tells his wife excitedly that to get ready for their first sexy time he has shaved his nether region. It’s hard to tell which is a bigger turn-off for her, that he shaved or that he used her razor to do it.

Important Relationship Tip:  Guys, we don’t want to know about your boys, let alone visualize them with or without hair. We don’t want to visualize them at all.

Husband #2 is so uptight about their first session, he asks if he should put his pajamas on first. Surprisingly, his wife calls their sexy times, “uneventful”, “a disaster,” and “dumb.”

To loosen him up, Wife #2 forces her husband to go to….egads….a lingerie store, and pick out something cute for her. He flounders in the store amidst the corsets, crotchless panties and lace, admitting that he can’t handle “being surrounded by drawers.”

Important Relationship Tip for the Ladies:  Okay, if your man refers to lingerie as “drawers” there’s a good chance he’s not going to be spicy in the love-making department. (And he might need to have that Bible pried out of his hands.)

The show has a happy ending. Both couples lovingly renew their vows, but that’s the part that isn’t reality.