His Hands Should Be Registered as Lethal Weapons

I went to a small printing company to get updated modeling cards, called zed cards.

I sat down at a clerk’s desk while he scanned my photos. It was taking a long time because was scanning them at 1000 dpi. I told him not to scan that high. He insisted, bragging, “I’m the best scanner in the city.”

While I’m a captive audience, he enthralls bores me with tales from his alleged ex-Navy SEAL days. I found it hard to believe this person with the breasts and buttocks of an avid Star Wars fan had ever been a lean, mean fighting machine.

He tells me he knows 268 ways to kill a man, and he’s trained to blow things up.

“I could kill you right now with this #2 pencil,” he boasts while nonchalantly leaning back in his chair.

Important Dating Tip Here:  Women want to feel safe around a strange man. We don’t want to hear you say words like “kill” and “explosives.”

Master Scanner put his elbows on the desk, pretended to look through an invisible camera and squinted. “We had to hold the camera steady like this for night recon.” He must have seen that  in some Steven Seagal movie.

Fast forward: I go to pick up my cards and they look terrible. He scanned the photos at such a high resolution it pulled out all the defects. The images were peppered in dots.

I demand they be redone. I leave him in a sweat trying to manually remove the thousands of  dots.

I come back later to get the cards and this time the photos on them look worse. Taking out all the dots had caused major distortion–and no one at the printing place noticed I suddenly developed a Lantern jaw.

Here this guy was supposed to be the best of best, an elite Navy Seal, a real life Rambo. He was a demolitions expert, possessing the stealth of a ninja. His hands were lethal weapons, yet he couldn’t scan and print a couple photos.

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15 Responses »

  1. You know, I think he might’ve been telling the truth about the explosives thing, because it sounds like his attempt to impress you blew up in his face…

  2. Haha, well I guess they can’t be talented in every area.

  3. I don’t know about 268 ways to kill a person, but this guy probably knows 268 ways to kill a photo.

  4. And now we know why he has the physique of a Star Trek geek…

  5. he found you attractive and was trying to impress you.


  6. Your post is hilarious and by the way my name is Bond, James Bond you know like bondo tape but sexy like fresh caught tuna on a day when the heat is 105* sexy. I mean I am so sexy and so lethal that my reflection has a superiority complex!

    Where in the hell did you find this guy love, Anybody knows that for standard printing you never go beyond 400dpi and that 200dpi is really the best for office printing even when there are graphics unless the distortion is intended. Any printer should know this dpi (dots per inch) does not mean the more the better. How someone who calls themselves a professional printer could lox up something so basic is just plain funny. Thanks for sharing

    withetton – jdcwitherton.com

  7. Thanks : )

    I watched Sex and the City and I remember that scene. It was epic. I should do a post on that, that phrase needs to be said over and over.

  8. You’re hilarious! And gorgeous!! Thank you for wandering to one of my blogs (psst, you found me at PandorasHopeless) – you might also like my main blog (RinseOrRepeat).

    I couldn’t find the FOLLOW button here – will add you to my Google Reader. Loved reading your post about what guys really think! Reminds me when Berger told Miranda “He’s just not that into you” – someone’s gotta say the truth…


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