His Hands Should Be Registered as Lethal Weapons

I went to a small printing company to get updated modeling cards, called zed cards.

I sat down at a clerk’s desk while he scanned my photos. It was taking a long time because was scanning them at 1000 dpi. I told him not to scan that high. He insisted, bragging, “I’m the best scanner in the city.”

While I’m a captive audience, he enthralls bores me with tales from his alleged ex-Navy SEAL days. I found it hard to believe this person with the breasts and buttocks of an avid Star Wars fan had ever been a lean, mean fighting machine.

He tells me he knows 268 ways to kill a man, and he’s trained to blow things up.

“I could kill you right now with this #2 pencil,” he boasts while nonchalantly leaning back in his chair.

Important Dating Tip Here:  Women want to feel safe around a strange man. We don’t want to hear you say words like “kill” and “explosives.”

Master Scanner put his elbows on the desk, pretended to look through an invisible camera and squinted. “We had to hold the camera steady like this for night recon.” He must have seen that  in some Steven Seagal movie.

Fast forward: I go to pick up my cards and they look terrible. He scanned the photos at such a high resolution it pulled out all the defects. The images were peppered in dots.

I demand they be redone. I leave him in a sweat trying to manually remove the thousands of  dots.

I come back later to get the cards and this time the photos on them look worse. Taking out all the dots had caused major distortion–and no one at the printing place noticed I suddenly developed a Lantern jaw.

Here this guy was supposed to be the best of best, an elite Navy Seal, a real life Rambo. He was a demolitions expert, possessing the stealth of a ninja. His hands were lethal weapons, yet he couldn’t scan and print a couple photos.

Tagged as: comedy, dating, dating tips, entertainment, humor, love, Navy Seals, relationships, romance, Star Wars, what not to say to a woman